Internal Battle

  While it was great to be with my family when I went home for my Grandpa's funeral, it also was the moment I decided to put myself first and cut ties with my Mom.  I have been in a bit of an emotional slump since then.  I feel like everywhere I turn whether its TV or facebook, everybody is talking about how family is everything.  While I do agree with that about my husband and kids, my sis, little bro, and Dad....I lost a good chunk of the rest of them.  If family stands by you through thick and thin, where are they now?  I see on TV families deal with struggles and disagreements, but pull together for each other in the end.  Its heartbreaking to me to know that I will never have that, no matter how much I wish I did.  I see these mothers who are their daughters best friends.  When I think about my mom, I'm everything but happy and proud.
  There was an interview that was a part of the case against my mom that happened today.  The person touched base with me after the interview to let me know, that its still more waiting.  They said that they had some evidence of my mom admitting she may have done these things, and that they turned them into the police.  This is huge in the case, as its the first real piece of evidence in the case, besides interviews.  Its definitely not looking good for her.  If/when they decide to proceed, they will issue a summons or just go arrest her.  This waiting game is killing me.  Not that it will be easy when I hear that they arrested her, but I just need whatever is that's going to happen, to happen. So I can figure out what I need to do to finally move on.  But then comes the reality of dealing with the fact that my mother is now a sex offender, who will likely spend the next 25+ years in prison!  How to I tell my kids?  How do I put that aside, and still carry on with my normal life?  I know I have asked myself and you, this question a million times.
  I feel like while learning how NOT to be in a marriage and as a parent, I have set the expectations of myself high.  Right now I feel like I'm giving and giving and giving, everything I can, to everyone else.  I'm trying to be the best wife, friend, sister, daughter, mother, aunt.  I just wish for one second I could be happy with some aspect of that.  I don't by any means think I'm a bad mom or wife etc. But I guess I am not where I strive to be or where I think I am in my mind.  I just want things to go smoothly for once, and not require so much of me when I need to sort myself out.  From making sure my marriage is a priority, to being a full time stay at home mother of 3, to constantly worrying about my brother and wondering how I can help, to dwelling in the reality of the accusations of my mother and my strained relationship with her, to not being a part of my sisters and her kids' lives, to stressing and looking for alternative ways to treat Braydens ADD, to the reality that my dad had and still has a drinking problem.  I usually do so good about keeping that smile on my face, no matter what is going on in my life.  Its just lately its harder to smile, when I feel this way inside. 
  I don't always feel like this.  I know how blessed I am, and I do not take it for granted!  But I don't think people understand just everything that is on my mind right now, nor can they understand what its like to be in this situation unless its happened to them.  Cant someone just cut me some slack on the little things, when internally I'm at battle?  What about what I have accomplished, given everything I've been through?  What about the fact that everyday I make it a point to not be the mom my mother was, to not be the wife she was, to realize that her actions have nothing to do with person I am?  To not choose to live in self pity or be fine with being the victim...

Which Way To Go

  When I was younger, I was always interested in the medical field.  I went from wanting to be a doctor, to nurse, to EMT.  I enjoyed EMT school and the shifts we did on the ambulance and at the hospital!  Now that I'm a mother though, I just don't see myself being able to handle the emergency aspect of being an EMT.  I think I would still be OK with adult Emergency Medicine, but unfortunately you get the children too.   I don't see being able to go home at the end of the day and not feel that devastation of telling a parent that their child didn't make it, or seeing that sweet life go away.  I don't see myself being able to separate work and home the way I would need to be able to do.  I still have awhile to decide because I plan on being at home until Brycen starts school all day.
  I know I would be good at helping women who have struggled with sexual, emotional, or physical abuse.  Or people with thoughts of suicide.  While my experience with physical abuse is minimal, I still think my understanding of it is where it should be.  I also would LIKE to still have a compatible schedule with the kids schedule as far as school hours and summers off.  But that right there is limiting in itself.  I've always wanted to be able to stay at home and experience as much as possible with the kids as they grow.  And I don't for a minute regret staying at home and not following a career path earlier.  I do however feel a little intimidated by the women who are mothers and still career driven.  I feel jealous to see all these women brag about how they have worked their way up and are successful in their careers.  But that jealousy is short lived when I realize the value and love I have for the job I do now.  I will never get these moment back and I'm proud to say, I have been here for every moment thus far!
  I wish I knew though, because I don't want to be starting my schooling (if it requires it) in 5 years.  If I can figure out what I want to do, I can POSSIBLY start the schooling process now.   There is just so much up in the air and things that I am unsure of right now, and I hate that feeling!

Here is a song that motivates me!

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTCDVfMz15M

Brother

  He had buried all of these secrets (which is a normal coping mechanism for someone who has endured such abuse) and they just recently in the last year and a half started coming out.  He has been in a mental hospital multiple times.  He suffers with self esteem, anxiety, and depression.  He has socially withdrawn.  His mentality is that of a 13-14 year old male, so he is extremely immature for his age.  He lies and has been in trouble for stealing multiple times.  He is stuck in this rut of what happened to him, and cant seem to get out.  The problem with that is, is its not something we can make him do.  Until you WANT to get help and move on in your life, nobody can make you.   And until you want to, therapy isn't going to be effective, if you aren't there for yourself!
  I struggle with the line of being a sister and now feeling like somewhat of a mother to my brother.  He no longer associates with my mom, which I don't blame him for.  He likes to use being the victim to skate through any issues that arise.  Which I totally get, but you cant just assume the role as victim for your whole life.  You have to choose that from this moment on, I no longer choose to be a victim.  I know what I went through is nothing comparable to what he has endured, but in my honest opinion, he is capable of so much more than he is showing now.  Yes he will suffer with depression and anxiety, probably for life, but its no excuse for laziness, no drive, lying or stealing.  I want to motivate and empower him, but he also still needs that discipline and push to succeed.  Its a fine line between empathy and enabling.
  He lives in Missouri now, and is being helped taken care of by a family who has been there for him so much in the last year and a half.  He got his GED finally last year, and just got a job for the summer.  I'm hoping he uses this to take the first steps in the direction of healing.  I also have strongly pushed the therapy issue.  He will need therapy for quite a while, if not for life.  I know its scary for him to deal with, and its going to get harder before it gets better, I just wish that he could see, what I see in him!  He is capable of so much more!
  Can you imagine living your life on a daily basis with the thoughts and memories he has to see?  With the things that happened to him constantly replaying in his mind?  I know its so hard to separate what happened to you from the rest of your life, but I cant imagine that when its your own MOM.  I cant believe this is my reality and my mother is accused of this?  Also, can you imagine finding out your spouse of 30 years, has done this to your son?  I don't know that I would be able to stop myself from severely hurting someone if they did that to my child, even if it was my spouse of 30 years!
  I stress and worry about my brother on a daily basis.  He has been watched for suicide multiple times, so that is always a worry in my mind.  He knows my younger sister, my Dad, and I all support him.  He decided to proceed with pressing charges (well now its up to the DA) and he gave his interview.  I'm hoping once all of the legal proceedings take place and its over with, he can finally dig himself out of this rut and search for the light that I know is at the end of his tunnel!
 

Brayden's Diagnosis

  It all started in Kindergarten.  Brayden struggled to stay on task, but it wasn't any different than the other boys his age at that time.  1st grade came, his teacher kept saying she was struggling keeping him on task again.  We tried a reward system for staying on task, it usually didn't end well.  We ended up getting rid of that system since it wasn't successful.  I asked his teacher if it was something I need to get checked out, she didn't think at that time, it was enough of a concern.  Then, 2nd grade came.  As we got close to Christmas, his teacher came to me with the same concerns as the first two teachers.  They had never spoken to each other regarding him, so it couldn't of just been word of mouth.  She said at that point it was concerning and we might want to think about getting it checked out.  His teacher has been teaching for over 20 years and she said compared to all of the other boys his age, its definitely different than just being a "kid."  I was devastated!  I didn't get it, he know all the stuff.  We would study for a spelling test and he would do great, then go to school and fail it.  I was scared to see what we found out, and to think my first born baby boy wasn't "normal".
  We took him in and they diagnosed him with Attention Deficit Disorder.  I had researched vitamin therapy, dietary changes, and medications.  I was so scared and opposed to the medicating.  We went forward with medicating, and the vitamins I had originally wanted, weren't enough on their own to treat it.  She prescribed Ritalin, which was the one I feared the most.  But the insurance companies want to fight you for everything and wouldn't pay for any other medications until we tried the Ritalin.  The side effects were so scary and I was a nervous wreck the first few weeks.  Was he gonna react badly, would anyone at school notice the changes like I would at home?  Was my sweet, caring, full of energy boy going to change into a zombie?  I was so nervous about losing his personality and sense of himself.  He was started on the lowest dose possible and it wasn't effective. 
  We went on to switch to a different medication.  This one, we didn't see a whole lot of change in the focus department and he started biting himself all of the time.  It wasn't a listed side effect, but something definitely out of the ordinary, so we stopped that medication and switched to a different one again.  It helped somewhat with the focus, but caused extreme sleepiness in the afternoons and evenings.  He would come home and fall asleep watching TV, which is extremely out of character for him.  I can barely get him to go to bed at night and he is always up early!
  We decided to switch back to the original med we tried, and just upped the dosage one step.  It has been effective the last few months with no real side effects.  I'm happy with the outcome of it, but worried about long term usage and problems it can cause.  The good thing about it, is we do not medicate him on weekends or breaks, so his body does get a break.  And he will be off all summer, so there are a few natural treatments I would like to try, and see if we can come up with a better alternative to medication for next school year.
  I went through all of the phases.  Sad, anger, confusion, and guilt.  Was it something I did while I was pregnant?  Should I have known sooner?  Why him?  I'm thankful its not a terminal illness and something that's treatable though!  I just hope he doesn't ever feel or get treated differently because of it!  I also have dealt with the people who are against medicating their children and think I shouldn't do that to him.  They say oh he is just being a kid, or he is just a boy!  Unfortunately its not that simple, and its beyond being "just a kid," although I wish it was.  I have made dietary changes, but haven't cut out certain things completely yet.  I plan too when I start him on the essential oils in a few weeks for his allergies, so he will not have to medicate for that as well.  If they are successful, they make a combination oil that's used for focus and is all natural and certified pure.  I plan on trying that and we are really hoping that it works for him! 

Religion

  I have always been one who believes in God.  My parents made us go to Sunday School and church growing up, but didn't always attend themselves.  I was in Awana growing up and did Vacation Bible School.  Once I started going through all of my problems, I turned to God on my own.  I attended church regularly through my senior year of high school on my own free will.  It was a place to let my emotions out and talk to someone without feeling judged.  But it didn't seem to lessen the pain.  I haven't attended church regularly in years.  We keep saying we will and need to, but haven't.  I want to find a church of our own so we can do that.  But I don't want to pressure my children into religion.  I want it to be their choice to know God and learn about him.  I want them to WANT to.  We teach them about God and we pray everyday.
  I've been criticized for being too overbearing as a parent.  An example from the past is for not letting my 3 year old knee board behind a boat, on a lake full of people. Although I believe in God and try to live my lifestyle accordingly, that doesn't mean that I will put my kids lives SOLELY in his hands.  I'm not going to say, God will take care of him out there, so I shouldn't still make smart decisions as a parent.  I trust in God, but that doesn't mean I will still not make the choices I feel is best for them.  Most people don't know my whole story, so they don't get why I am the way I am.  I feel misunderstood and just wish people would see that I have the best of intentions.  I guess it isn't such a bad quality to have!
  Also another thing I have been criticized for is supporting my Dad still, after he committed adultery.  It wasn't something I just got over immediately and it was very hard.  It still hurts.  But I see it as, he is the one who will face God for the things in his life.  Its not my job, nor my responsibility to punish him or judge him.  He has apologized for the things that happened and tried his best to be a better person, Dad, and Grandpa.  That's all I can really ask of him now.
  Something else I feel like people don't understand, is how I can forgive my offender and move on but not my Mom.  My forgiving of my offender came after 8 years of struggling, therapy, many tears, bloodshed, and the maturity of being an adult and seeing the situation for what it really was.  My mom still fails to acknowledge any part of what she is accused of, or acknowledge how she has treated my sister and I since the divorce.  She hasn't listen to our request for her to go to therapy or accept responsibility for everything she has done.  Until these things, there is no chance.  THAT'S the difference!

Always A Work In Progress

  I struggle with not being the way my parents were.  I saw so many things that I would take mental note of, I didn't want to be that way to my kids or in my relationship.  I didn't want to invalidate any ones feelings, put others down, be selfish.  I wanted the best relationship possible with my kids and hubby.  I didn't want to argue in front of the children and wanted to show them what a loving marriage should be like.  I have a temper that I would say comes from my dads side.  I remember growing up it was either he was happy and talking calmly or he was yelling and cursing.  No real in between.  But I'm determined to take control, and I'm learning :)  I also saw my parents argue and fight on a regular basis and it was awkward.  That's one thing I'm completely blessed with, is a loving respectful relationship with my hubby.  Yes we disagree and fight, but we never put each other down or call each other names.  And if we start an argument in front of the kids, we always try to take it in the other room, or wait until they leave the room to continue. 
  How do I explain to my children, that there grandma is in prison and why?  Obviously I know only age appropriate, but the day will come when they wont let me beat around the bush and they are going to want answers.  They have already dealt with so much change, just makes my heart ache.  And my poor hubby, can you imagine marrying someone and being brought into this dysfunction?  I feel so bad for him, but we lucked out with his family!  He takes it all in stride and I'm so grateful.
  When I moved away from Montana, it ended up being beneficial because after my secrets came out, a lot of people blamed me and thought I made it up.  So I dealt with threats, stares, and people pointing and talking.  They knew it was me, even though the papers didn't say my name.  Now I have to deal with it all again, except the stigma that my mom will now have.  Not only up in Montana, but here.  It all happened here and she will be on the news I'm sure here.  I feel sorry for everyone on my dads side that now has to be associated with my mom (since she still has my dads last name).
  Now that my secrets are out, I'm hoping whatever happens legally with my Mom, just happens already.  Sick of waiting and wondering whats going to happen next...

A song that Im enjoying
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tPd1GIwjRFM&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A

Also here is the link to the only article still available in archives about my offender:
http://www.laureloutlook.com/news/article_0198ad37-de8e-567d-a2de-67613f9212fb.html

Stuck

  A part of me was sad that my sister didn't attend the funeral because I was looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephews.  I texted my sister after the funeral to see if I could see them.  She was hesitant but after some begging on my part, agreed to let them come outside and see me for a minute.  When I saw them I was so happy, and immediately extremely sad.  This is the first time I had seen them since my sister decided not to let me in her life.  They were so big and I realized just at that moment, how much I was really missing.  I was used to only seeing them a couple times a year, but it had been a year and a half since I had seen them.  I immediately broke down, which is not like me.  I can usually put on my brave face, but I just couldn't this time.  I sat back down in the car and tried my best to compose myself.  I regained my composure and threw my sunglasses on.  I stepped out and finished talking with them for a few minutes, hugged them, and left.  My sisters husband came out and talked to me for a min (this was before she was accused of attempting to kiss the married man). 
  It was just a couple weeks after funeral, that all this went down with my sister and the bar fight.  My mom of course, after all of this went down, wanted to text me about my dads girlfriend again, like I had asked her a million times not to.  She also took the opportunity to put me down.  She rubbed it in that my brother in law was no longer talking to me, like it was my fault that my sister got punched in the bar.  I told her how stressed I was and told her I could no longer deal with her treating me badly.  I said "Ive already lost my sister, nieces, nephews, brother in law, and my relationship with my mom.  I cant deal with this right now!"  What would a normal reaction for a mother when your child came to saying something like that?  Well hers is to automatically turn it into what she has lost.  She cant even for a moment encourage me, tell me it will be OK, anything.  She has to immediately turn it back to herself.  It was so hurtful that she couldn't for one second, let the conversation be about me.  That was my last straw with her, and I blocked her in all ways at that moment.  I haven't heard anything from her since, and its overall been peaceful and nice.
  Now I'm trying to adjust with the reality of my life.  My mother is possibly going to be arrested soon and possibly for multiple felonies.  One of those being sexual assault on a child.  I no longer have a relationship with my sister, nieces and nephews, brother in law, or mother.  I feel stuck, like I'm never going to be able to get over what my mother is accused of doing.  How do you process with that and move on with your life?  I have known for over a year now and still just cant understand or process this.
  I, as a mother, just cannot fathom, understand, or get how its possible to do that to a child.  Having endured it in my past has caused struggles I will continue with in my life.  A main one being too overbearing.  I believe it made me probably more scared and cautious then most mothers.  I'm so thankful that my husband is there to balance me out.  He lets me know when I'm being too overprotective and I try my best not to be and adjust accordingly.  Its like I need to go back into therapy again and instead of dealing with being the victim, I deal with being a child of someone who could commit this crime.  Its embarrassing and humiliating to say the least. Although everyone says it isn't a direct reflection of me, I cant help but think that.
  Like I said earlier my relationship with my dad has always been OK.  He drank a lot growing up, which is something I always have resented him for.  He drove truck when we were younger, so he was gone weeks at a time.  We have always gotten along for the most part.  He has made it clear he has made mistakes and now he does his best to make up for the mistakes he has made.  He is a great grandpa and has been there for me the last two years since my mom filed for divorce.  I'm so happy that we are working on our relationship, since a lot of my other ones are crumbling.  I'm also thankful to be so close with my younger sister too.  We are going through a lot of the same issues, and its nice to have someone who understands where I'm coming from.  She is one of my best friends and we are very active in each others lives!

Beyond Comprehension

   Bear with me if this is a little all over the place!  A little over a year ago, I am informed that my mother, the one that birthed me, is being accused of some heinous crimes.  Crimes that I cannot fathom, nor comprehend and I'm not sure how I ever will.  She is accused of sexual assault on a child!!  I couldn't for the life of me, bring myself to process this.  MY MOM!!  We never had a close relationship, but she never ever gave me that impression.  I'm immediately sickened and nauseous!  I'm instantly judging myself...how does this reflect me?  This is my mothers blood running through my veins.  The time frame that this happened was well after all of the stuff had happened with myself.  How could she watch me endure hell, point the finger at my accuser and take him for all his money, and then do something so mortifying?  No wonder she didn't care or reach out when I was going through what I did, she was sick in her head and probably didn't see what was wrong with the situation.  I immediately think of my children.  How could someone ever do this to such an innocent soul?  Its only then that I am so thankful that my mom was never alone with my children.  Its extremely saddening that I am thankful for something like that, but better than the alternative.  All of these accusations came out, and my mom was supposed to be coming to stay with me for Easter.  But we were sworn to secrecy, as the person who is accusing her, wasn't ready for this to be made public at that time.  I had to respect their wishes, it wasn't my place.  So how am I supposed to allow my mom in my home, like everything is normal?  I didn't want her anywhere near my children, much less staying in my home.
  I think just that right there, is something major in itself, to have to deal with.  Then I found out, that not only do I know the victim, but he is family.  He is, my brother :'(  It just keeps getting worse.  How could this happen to any child, much less her OWN child?  I struggled for a while and lost about 10 or more pounds.  Not because I wasn't eating, but literally because of the stress.  I wished that I could just have the family dysfunction of the divorce back, I would take all of that in a heartbeat over the bomb that was just dropped on me. 
  Please explain this to me.  How one of the worst crimes you can commit, is now being said about my mother.  How could she do this?  What actually goes wrong in the brain for people to be this way?  The fact that I'm made from that woman at this point is scary and disturbing.  I continued to support her, from a distance.  She still after all this, would send me harassing messages, always putting me down.  Making me feel like, I am somehow to blame for how her life is.  It always gets turned around on me.  I never noticed this as much growing up, but now see that she has never recognized my feelings in any situation.  If I said I feel this way, its a no that's not right or that's not true.  Then instead of doubting her, I always doubted myself.  Did I remember this wrong?  I must not have a right to feel this way.  She would always turn it into something else.  She would get upset at me for not doing the things she wanted me to do or feeling the way she wanted me to feel.  How does she honestly think, especially after my past, that I am just supposed to act like this never happened?
  I got a call from a police detective and he did and over the phone interview that he recorded.  I don't think I was much help, as I never saw her act inappropriate or cross any boundaries with anyone, much less my brother.  But the time frame of when all of this stuff happened, is right when she started her downhill spiral.  And also right when my brother started changing too.  He suffers from depression, anxiety, and social disorder to just name a few.  He will need lifelong therapy and at 19 is incapable of functioning at the level he should be.  I worry about him on a regular basis.
  She hasn't always denied it.  Sometimes she denies it, others time she is unsure.  She even called me upset one day and said, "Do you think when I was having an emotional breakdown, that I could have done it?"  She in saying that, admitted guilt to in my opinion.  I don't care what was going on in my marriage, what drugs I was on, or what abuse I have endured in my life....no way in any way would it be negotiable of me committing that crime.  I would never think, did I maybe do it?  It would be more of an immediate HELL NO I DIDN'T DO IT!!  She has always been a pathological liar though, so her word at that point meant nothing.  Especially after she continually lied to us and about us for the last 10 months.  I never told her whether I thought she did it for sure, but she knew I wasn't going to carry on a normal relationship from then on.  I set my rules.  If she visited, she was not allowed to stay in my home or be around my children without supervision, PERIOD!  She has continued to treat me badly since we found out.  She never called to say, hey how are my grandchildren?  Never a how are you, whats new?  If she called its because she wanted details about my dad or she wanted to try and make me feel guilty for something.  After I had Brycen, she called.  And never once congratulated me or shared in my happiness, all she could do was cry and whine about not being able to be here for it.  She couldn't even let me have that moment, she had to once again make me feel bad when I should have been on cloud 9! 
  A few months back had blocked her from facebook and from calling me.  I just couldn't let her bring me down anymore and bring all of this unnecessary drama in my life.  She was lucky that after everything she has done, I was even willing to allow her to call me or be friends on facebook.  She wants to post all over facebook about her how her ex husband is a cheater and how anyone could have them in their lives is not acceptable.  Never once does she mention the way she treats her children or the things she is being accused of.  She just wants to point the finger at everyone else and not accept responsibility for her actions.  She claims she is moving on in her life and focusing on herself, but is still harassing my dads girlfriend and holding grudges over people associating with her.  She will tell people that her daughters are back stabbers and that we are in the wrong.  Recently my paternal grandfather died.  You would think, even with everything that has happened, they would put it all aside and celebrate my grandpas life.  As soon as they found out they were harassing my dad and his girlfriend.  Threatening that if my dad brought his girlfriend to his own fathers funeral, they would "kick her ass."  My sister never once said hey sorry for you loss dad, she went immediately to threats and anger.  I was so anxious about the funeral and the drama that was going to take place.  My sister isn't above starting a fight with my dads girlfriend at my grandpas funeral.  She never showed up, so it went on drama free.

Mom Part 2

  My mom finally had the courage to file for divorce, which in the beginning I think was more to try and manipulate my dad more into staying with her.  Then in the end it backfired on her.  She decided to take a bunch of pills one night.  She said she wanted to sleep.  My brother was the one who had to take care of his own mother and take her to the hospital.  They treated her and had an evaluation done.  She was released.  She talked about moving to Montana, to get away from all the drama here.  I was always compassionate to what she was going through and encouraged her to do whatever she thought would be best for her to do.  I was always understanding of her situation which she will say I wasn't. She moved to Montana in June of 2011.  My relationship with my dad only started to grow from that point.  He made way more effort than in the past and it was so nice to see the change.  I was nervous about how active he would be in the kids lives after the divorce.  He was devastated at first, as anyone would be after being married for 30 years.  He never ever bad mouthed my mother to me and always encouraged our relationship.  My mom on the other hand, took a different approach. 
  We had sat with my dad and asked him about his new relationship.  We eventually, after about 6 months or longer after my mom moved, decided to meet my dads girlfriend.  He never once pressured us into it or pushed the issue.  My younger sister and I, sat both my mom and my older sister down and had a talk about all of this. We were honest about with them about our plans to meet her and have her around and they said they didn't agree but we left it at that. There was no argument or harsh words.  Nobody ever said please don't or if you do, our relationship is ruined.  Since it went well, we decided to proceed in meeting her.  It was definitely awkward and a hard adjustment.  But she has always been very respectful and wonderful with my children!  My mom of course, was not pleased with the idea of this at all.  She would call after knowing we were with my dad and talk to me.  Then immediately after talking with me, she would call my dad and lie, lie, lie.  She would accuse my dad of forcing his "whore" into our lives and tell him we didn't like her and didn't want her around.  She would also send my younger sister and I harassing text messages saying terrible things and calling us back stabbers.  She used us in anyway she could to try and cause problems for my dad and with my relationship with him.  She would lie to people about me and she would lie to me.  Most of the time I knew she was lying to begin with and she would just continue it, as if it was just second nature for her.
  It got to the point where I told her, I will no longer speak to you about my dad or his girlfriend.  Not for any reason, they don't need brought up to me.  And I especially asked her to stop lying about me.  It didn't matter what I said, she just continued doing what she wanted to do.  Her and my sister continually sent her facebook messages and text messages verbally harassing her and threatening her, along with my dad.  It was to the point that her and my sister were honestly nothing but drama and were bringing me down.  My younger sister and I were so sick of being treated like this by our own mother, but knew she was going through a hard time, so we still stood by her side and supported her.  Then, just when we think our family dysfunction is at its highest, I find out some news.  Some news that is beyond disturbing, disgusting, horrific, sickening, frightening, angering and something I will probably never come to terms with or understand...

Mom

  Like I have said in the past, my mom and I never had a terrible relationship, we just weren't that close.  I remember from an early age, her way of showing affection was to buy us things.  She thought that took care of her showing us she loved us.  She wasn't the mom who played outside with us, spent one on one time with us, or even played a board game.  She carried on that tradition with my children.  She has never sat down and played a game with them, taken them to the park, or even watched my kids....EVER.  Now that I look back, that was a blessing in disguise, which you will understand more later.  I also remember her always having to buy something wherever we went.  She wanted to spend the weekends out shopping.  I remember also her lying about her spending habits and hiding credit card bills from my dad.  There were even times she asked us to lie for her.  Which being a child, I didn't understand how manipulated and used we were, by our own mother.
  When I was going through all the issues I was having as a teenager, she wasn't by my side for any of it.  She didn't take the time to gain knowledge on the issues and offer a shoulder to cry on.  I remember she wrote a letter to be read at the sentencing of my offender.  She talked about how she did this for me, and she did that for me.  It wasn't my daughter suffered this or has these problems.  Its always been about her needs and wants.  One great thing that came out of having the relationship and mom I did, was that I knew exactly what not to do and how not to be.  However I struggle in how to be the wife and mother I wanted to be.  I also think I'm hard on myself and set my standards high in those aspects because of it.
  She was very understanding when I got pregnant, that helped.  Probably because she had been in the situation herself, at a younger age then I was.  I watched her always put on an act in front of people and try to be someone she wasn't.  Most of the time it ended up being embarrassing.  She didn't help me after I had any of my babies, not that I would have asked.  But it would have been nice to have her offer.  She has always been a bit off, but she definitely started the downhill spiral when we were still living in Wyoming and she would call and say she was staying somewhere overnight because of the fighting.  My dad drank a lot growing up, so I didn't blame her most of the times she wanted to leave.  She started having health problems also around that time and started taking pain medication.  She would soon be overusing it.  She started barely ever going into work and getting fired from multiple jobs due to lack of attendance.  At this time my brother also started changing.  He was becoming socially withdrawn and not hanging out with friends.  He started slacking on school work and would eventually drop out.  I just attributed it to a less then functioning home life.  He was always constantly asking us sisters, if he could come stay with us.
  My mom, when she started overusing pain meds started acting stranger then usual.  She wouldn't remember having conversations and things.  She started becoming more and more embarrassing because she would try so hard to be someone she wasn't when we were in social settings.  I remember just dreading the kids birthday parties because I didn't know what she was going to say or do to embarrass me.  I remember one time after my younger sister had a miscarriage, I was having a birthday party for one of the kids.  My mom asked my sister about the miscarriage in front of the entire room full of party goers.  And then proceeded to try and be funny and says that she can take care of the miscarriage for my sister, because she has a shop vac!!  I was disgusted, mortified and beyond embarrassed.  How can in anyway, a miscarriage be used as a joke??  Not only that, there were people at the party who had themselves recently suffered multiple miscarriages.  How could you say that to your daughter??


A song that fits my life!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9IW0WStxMmk&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A

My First Sister

  Now that you are up to date on the details of my life, I would like to get into my relationship with my older sister.  I was never super close with my older sister.  We always got along, rarely fought or argued.  But we were just so different in a lot of ways.  I felt she wasn't ever really capable of showing most emotions, especially compassion and empathy, which is why I never really went to her with my problems.  We also have different parenting views and her relationship with her husband is like nothing I have seen before.  I moved away from my sister when I was 14, so just that changed our relationship.  She was never understanding about the abuse I had endured, so we didn't discuss it much.  About 6 years ago or so, she started having some issues and being very depressed.  She has always been angry.  She started making extremely lousy choices as a parent and wife.  But being her sister, I stood by her side.  I didn't understand how she could make those choices, I still do not to this day.  How could you ever be to a point where you no longer wanted to be a mother?  But, I love her and she is my sister and if she had given me the opportunity, I would still be by her side today.  She got back on the straight and narrow and everything was good again for the next couple years.
  My relationship with her began to unravel after my parents separated and were getting a divorce.  We chose to still have a relationship with my Dad and his now girlfriend.  She didn't agree with our choice and gave us (my younger sister and I) an ultimatum.  If we chose to have them in our lives, she would no longer allow us in hers, or her children's.  I was devastated :(  How does me letting my kids have a relationship with their grandpa, have anything to do with my relationship with her?  I chose to still have my dad in my life, so she basically disowned me at this point.  She stopped sending cards for my kids birthdays or calling them, and deleted me from facebook.  I was so hurt!  I hadn't actually done anything to be the one getting punished.
  My sister from the first moment all the drama started with the divorce, would send my dad and his girlfriend very harassing text and facebook messages.  Which as far as I know, still continues two years later.  My sister no longer speaks to me, my younger sister, my younger brother or my dad.  And that's just immediate family she has done this to.  If the things you do aren't her way, then she says goodbye.  Without blinking twice or shedding any emotion over it.  I just don't understand how you can be so emotionless and not care about the things you do to your family, spouse, and kids. 
  My sisters husband turned to me a few years back when she started making lousy decisions.  I was there for every phone call and anything he needed.  My sister in the last year, started being unsure again and making lousy decisions.  It was recently brought to my attention that she attempted to kiss or be with a knowingly married man, while she herself is still married.  And ended up being physically assaulted because of it.  I was appalled!  It was the same thing she was not speaking to me over regarding my parents marriage, but yet it was OK for her to do it.  She always claimed what she did or was doing, wasn't the same as my dad because she was honest with her husband about it.  So I messaged my brother in law to check in on him, figuring he was hurt and embarrassed.  Turns out he didn't know, so at that point chose to disclose what I had heard.  I wasn't making this stuff up, just the messenger.  I apologized to him and that was the end of the conversation.  That night my sister texted me, she had found out that her hubby and I had talked.  Somehow I was the bad guy in all of this, she told me not to ever contact her, her kids, or her hubby again.  She called me a stupid bitch and acted like I was the one in the wrong here.  OK, that is my sister.....but I did not agree with her choices and thought her husband after 13 years of marriage, deserved to know the truth.  The whole town was talking about it and talking badly about her, her hubby just didn't know the truth at that point yet.  We haven't spoke since and my bro in law isn't speaking to me either now. 
  I think the most hurtful thing of this whole situation, is that she could just drop my kids and forget them like they are yesterdays garbage.  They haven't done anything to her and they don't understand why they cant see their cousins or don't get birthday cards anymore.  I'm also extremely hurt that I cant be there for my nieces and nephews.  I have been there for them from day one, sometimes when nobody else, besides their parents, were.  Unfortunately after everything that's been said and done, I don't think our relationship is repairable.  I do believe she has a lot of underlying reasons for being the way she is.  I know she would benefit greatly from counseling as I have suggested it many times.  I'm at a loss of what to do anymore, and decided that I'm not gonna put up anymore with people disrespecting and treating me badly when I have done nothing to them.  So as of right now, I do not speak to my older sister or my mom.  Now that you understand my struggles with my sister, I want to get into my mom.  Not only our relationship, but just her in general.  Hang on to your hats folks, its about to become an extremely bumpy ride...

Baby #3?

  We finally decided to buy our own house in March of 2010! After we bought our house, we started then debating on having a third child or not. We had two healthy ones already, one boy, one girl. We discussed another baby for a good 3 months or more. We finally decided to proceed, so I stopped taking my birth control. We said we would give ourselves 4 cycles of trying (which really isn't alot). We found out on New Years Eve of 2010, after 3 months of trying, that we were pregnant with baby #3!! I once again, had the overwhelming feeling, this time boy. Sure enough, ultrasound said boy! This pregnancy, just as with my other sons pregnancy, I threw up every morning. Luckily it didn't last until delivery this time, just the first 20 weeks.   Felt pretty good the rest of the pregnancy.  This time, no induction.  I was due September 7th, and labor pains started at home the night of September 4th.  We made our way to the hospital, a 45 minute drive, which was NOT fun in full blown labor.  We arrived at the hospital around 1am and I was unable to get my epidural at that time.  I had to get all of the fluids in that they required before they would give me the epidural.  Unfortunately, by the time I got my epidural it was already time to push.  I had had the epidural that worked AMAZINGLY the first two pregnancies, this time was drug free.  At 3:31 am, after 5 hours of labor, 7 minutes of pushing, and almost giving up, Brycen Joseph was born!  He was healthy and happy, and surprised me with his black hair!
  My mother and father in law made it up just in time, so that my father in law could take the older two kids into the waiting room for the actual delivery.  They were so excited to meet him!  My sister and mother in law were present for delivery, along with my husband.  It was such a joyous occasion!  We brought the new big sister and brother back to the room once Brycen and myself were all cleaned up.  They were just in awe, and so in love!  I was so touched at that moment.  I realized, if this is my reward for everything I had been through so far, then it was all more than worth it!  I'm blessed with an amazing husband and beautiful, healthy kids!  My dad showed up awhile shortly after, and shared in our excitement.  My in laws took the older two kids home and stayed with them until we were released from the hospital.  They have always been there anytime we have asked or needed them. 
  My mother in law spent the first week with us and helped out tremendously.  I don't know if I could have done it without her.  My hubby took the next week off, to help when his mom left.  This time it was a lot harder for me to get in the swing of things.  When I had Brynley, Brayden wasn't in school yet so I didn't have to be out the door at a certain time.  This time Brayden was in school, so I was even more sleep deprived.  But we got on a schedule, and I soon got my groove back.  Im still doing the stay at home mom thing and although it can be challenging, I love it.  I loved being here for every moment, not missing a thing.  Brayden is 7 years old now and will be heading into 3rd grade.  He loves sports and is a great older brother!  Brynley is 5, she is mostly a princess with a bit of tom boy in her :)  She is a very sweet sister.  Brycen is 20 months now and he is definitely my spitfire.  He is full of energy and never ceases to amaze me with his intelligence!  My hubby and I have been together for over 9 years now.   He is honestly my best friend, my other half, my soul mate!  We love each other so much and our bond is so strong and continues to grow everyday <3

Face to Face

  When he entered the room, a flood of emotions hit me!  Some of these feelings I hadn't felt in over 9 years.  I, for a moment, was the young, scared, naive girl again.  I started getting panicky and I took a couple deep breaths, regained my courage, and we began.  He looked the same, but old.  He definitely looked older then he should of for his age.  I thought it best to write down my thoughts and questions ahead of time, because I didn't want to forget anything I wanted answered in that moment.  It was nice because he couldn't lie anymore or cut pieces out.  He had been required to take a lie detector test, so the truth was out.  It was the first time we both acknowledged all of the details of those two days.  He was very nervous and seemed sincere.  He answered all of my questions and apologized for the things that had transpired.  He also filled me in on the steps he had taken to try and get himself better.  His wife had eventually divorced him and remarried.  He was struggling with keeping his life together and maintaining a relationship with his children.  I honestly felt sorry for him for a moment.  I immediately felt any weight I was carrying around still, was gone!  Since that day, I have not had one dream with him in it, 5 years and counting :)!
  We enjoyed the rest of our time there and headed home.  When we got back, we realized the electricity was still out, and had been since we were gone.  So all of our food in the freezer and fridge was ruined.  We got it all cleaned up and then unpacked from our trip.   Finally made it to bed as a rainstorm moved in, exhausted.  I woke up in the night with Brynley and could hear the rain dripping into the apartment.  I turned all of the lights on and could see water running down the walls and filling up the light fixtures.  Evidently the roof had been damaged in the tornado, but we couldn't see it from below.The water was only coming into parts of the apartment and just slowly dripping.  I laid out towels and pots to collect what water I could.  I called the rental company as soon as they opened and let them know the problem.  I figured since it was a natural disaster and out of our control, they would be willing to work with us, but they weren't.  I immediately started looking for apartments.  I made a list of all places in the area, in our price range.  I went and checked them out and had no luck.  There was only one place left on the list.  It was a bit higher then we wanted to pay, but very nice!  They were willing to work with us given the circumstances, so they waived the deposit and only charged us first months rent!  I had family and a few friends that came help pack us up and make the move in one day, thank goodness they were there to help us!  The rental company from the damaged apartment was still trying to fight us and hold us to our contract.  We still had 4 months left of our year contract, but the place wasn't livable and I wasn't backing down.  We finally got it all taken care of.
  We lived in the new apartment for 6 months and then decided to rent a house.  I was so happy to finally be in a house without neighbors and more room to live!  We lived there for 2 years.  In that time frame, Brayden started preschool.  That itself was a huge struggle for me, and still is today.  I wasn't ready to let him go, which I'm sure every mom deals with.  But most of all, I didn't trust the people responsible for him.  I couldn't trust that they wouldn't hurt him.  I didn't see the school as a safe haven.  It wasn't in my control anymore, and I didn't know how to deal with that.  I did however, really enjoy the one on one time I was now getting with Brynley!  I didn't get that like I had with Brayden, so we both enjoyed it!

Destruction

  To prepare for the clarification session, I did three intense therapy sessions.  We went back through all of the things that I had as a teenager.  It was much more beneficial this time around because I was an adult that wanted to get help.  And I understood the situation much better now.  It was hard to relive it all again, but necessary.   We had our trip to Montana planned already, so we decided to make it for that time, since the offender was in Montana.  The day we were to leave, I had a dentist appointment.  I finished at the dentist and as I stepped outside realized something was VERY wrong!  It was extremely dark, beyond gloomy, and the winds were howling.  I went and picked up Brayden, since I had someone watching him while I was at my appointment.  As we headed back to Windsor, which was the town we were living in, I noticed a lot of damage in the area.  Was it all from the wind?  As we got closer I started to see the destruction.  A tornado had ravished the area and the path was straight towards our apartment.  All I could hear at that time were emergency sirens and news helicopter's for hours!  I was so nervous and anxious, would there be anything left of our apartment?
  As we got into town, I saw a daycare leveled.  Were the children safe?  My heart sank.  The worst area damage was about two blocks from our apartment, so I was preparing myself for the worst.  As we get there, I see the building is still standing.  Thank goodness!  The trees were all down, all of the windows of the cars in the parking lots were shattered.  As we get inside I do not see any immediate damage, so I said a little prayer in thanks.  I finished the last of the preparations for our trip and we ventured off.  As we were leaving, we couldn't believe this was our town of residence, and hoping for no casualties.
  We made our way to Montana.  The clarification was scheduled for the next morning and I was a nervous wreck!  I called the therapist and told her, I couldn't do it.  She wanted me to come and see her face to face first before my visit.  I decided to sleep on it and make my decision in the morning, with a clear head.  When morning came, I was still nervous and anxious, but decided to proceed.  We left Brayden with my sister, but brought Brynley since she was still little.  My hubby dropped me off and took Brynley out for awhile.  I got there early, so I could talk to the therapist a bit before the offender arrived.  I don't think I have ever been that nervous in my life!  I wanted to more than anything run out of the room, to my hubby's open arms where I felt safe and comfortable.  She got a call to say, the offender had arrived.  So she left me in the office alone, while she went up front to escort him in.  I don't know if my heart could have been pounding any faster than that moment....

Baby #2

  Induction day came!  We decided we wanted Brayden at the hospital to be as a much a part of delivery as possible, minus baby actually coming.  He did so good for only being 2!  Friends and family were in and out, making the time not drag on.  Another pretty easy labor, labored for 9 hours and she was ready!  Pushed for 10 minutes and my beautiful baby girl was born!  She was pink and alert, and they put her right on my chest!  I didn't get that experience with Brayden, since he was having trouble breathing.  She looked into my eyes and I couldn't believe it!  I had a daughter!  Just as I had did with Brayden, I told myself...she would come first!  I would do everything and anything for her happiness, her and her brother!  I was way more comfortable going home this time around, in fact was looking forward to it.  I wasn't the nervous first time mom anymore!
  Once again my hubby got sometime off of work and we all adjusted to our now family of 4.  Brayden was great with her, never acted jealous towards her at all.  Brayden was such a great big brother, and daddy was wrapped around her finger from the start!  Brynley slept a lot at first, so I was still able to spend that time with Brayden!  I was content with our little family, but couldnt say for sure I didn't want anymore.  Just knew if we decided to have more, it wasn't going to be anytime soon.  I transitioned well, better then I thought I would.  I was so nervous about being able to split my time and not give them the love separately that they deserved.
  A few months later, an opportunity to do a 'clarification session' was presented to me.  For those of you who are unfamiliar, a clarification session is when you, a therapist, and your offender, have a supervised meeting.  Its basically used as closure for victims and their offenders and I would be able to ask any questions I had, and he would have to answer them honestly and truthfully.  I thought about it for awhile, debating on if this was something I would want to do.  I had been depression free for about 5 years now, and rarely had anxiety issues.  But, I was still having dreams with my offender in them.  Although he wasn't chasing me ever in them anymore, he was just a face in the crowd.  I hadn't really benefited much from the therapy as a child, because I didn't want it for myself and I wasn't comfortable taking about it.  I had always heard, if you bury your problems, they always come out later...and usually a lot worse then if you had dealt with them during the time.  I felt like I had dealt with all my demons, but wanted to be completely sure.  I didn't want my past problems and me not wanting to face them, ever affect my abilities to be the best mom and wife.  A lot of people didn't understand why I would want to put myself in that position.  I was a little worried it would cause me to regress a bit, but was comfortable with my progress and my strength.  So after giving it a lot of thought, I decided to proceed...

Moving On

   My husbands parents helped us make the move. The ranch was outside of a small, tourist town. We were at the base of a beautiful mountain range and had an amazing view off of our front porch! It was very quiet and peaceful. It was a great place for a little boy to spend the first couple years of his life! It brought my hubby and I even closer, only having each other. And all of my spare time was spent just Brayden and I! I cherish those memories everyday and always will! We stayed in Wyoming for two years, and that is also when what was left of my parents marriage started unraveling. My mom would call saying she was leaving for the night to stay in a hotel because they were fighting again. This is when she really started changing from what was her "normal." (Which we will get into later.) We also got pregnant with baby #2 in that time frame. From the moment I was pregnant, I had the overwhelming feeling it was a girl! Needless to say, ultrasound confirmed my suspicions! We were blessed with our son and now...a DAUGHTER! We were so excited! But, once again, I began having my fears. Although, they were different then the first time mom fears. I was so confused at the why the relationship with my mother was the way it was, and was so nervous about having a daughter myself. Would I be like my mom? Would I be able to be there for her and be the mom she deserved?
   We decided we wanted to move back, closer to family again. Also, if you know the ranch life, my husband was working a ridiculous amount of hours and rarely getting to be with us. It was finally something we both had had enough of. So, we came back to Colorado. My hubby had a couple job opportunities ready. He was offered a position and we were given the rest of the day to find a place to live. It was NOT easy, but we did it! A small 3 bedroom apartment, which at the time, was our last option. We got everything lined up and prepared to make the move back. Once we got back, my hubby had a few loose ends to tie up with the new job, before he could start. But then it turned to days of not getting to start the job, and then weeks. He finally went back to one of his former places of employment, only to find out they were in desperate need of the position my hubby was looking for! Once again, we could both breath easy! He has been working there ever since.
   About 2 months after we moved back, my due date was approaching. We scheduled another induction and had a few days to spend as our family of 3. I was so nervous and sad about my baby boy not being my "baby" anymore. I also didn't know if I was still going to be able to give him the attention he deserved and was used to, which I'm sure a lot of second time moms deal with. I was thankful that we were back close to family during this time!

Here's Baby!

  It was an evening induction, and doctors warned me it would be a long process.  First time labors tend to be that way anyways, much less with induction.  We get the process started and I'm as nervous as ever! There were so many horror stories you hear, was that going to be me?  All went relatively smooth, labored for 9 1/2 hours before it was time for baby to make an appearance (which for a first time labor is fast)!  After only 13 minutes of pushing, Brayden Dean was born!  He was purple and not breathing, my excitement then turned to total fear!  They let the new daddy cut the cord, and whisked him off to assist with breathing.  I don't even remember what happened to me after that, I just remember asking over and over, if he was OK.  Finally some cries and we all could breathe a sigh of relief!  They got him cleaned up and I got to hold him for the first time!  It was definitely a moment I will never forget and always cherish!  I had been anticipating the feeling of when you see your child for the first time for months now and it was so amazing!  I was officially a mommy, but would the "mothers" instinct come naturally as they say it would?
  It was time to head home and I was as nervous as ever, could we handle him on our own?  Mothers instinct kicked in right away and we adjusted well!  I fell in love even more with husband, as I saw him with his son.  He was so good with him and it came so natural for him!  My hubby got two weeks off from work, so he was there to help me recover and take care of baby boy!  We got a call the weekend before my hubby was to go back to work.  It was his boss congratulating him on the birth of our baby and also letting him know, he no longer had a job there anymore!  So we had a two week old baby and absolutely no income, talk about stressed!
  My hubby tried everything for the next month to get a job, but no luck.  He worked a few side jobs just to bring in some income.  He finally found a temporary job.  He worked his butt off and in the end, they offered him a full time job! They also offered paid housing and utilities and we would pay nothing for insurance, how could it get any better?  Only problem was....we had to move to Wyoming.  We weren't thrilled about packing up and moving where we had no friends, no family, and a newborn.  But, it was our only job option available at the time.  So, we packed up and moved 3 hours away, to a ranch in Wyoming.  Away from the lives we knew, the people we knew.  We only had each other now!
 

Its Time!

 After much anticipation and discussion, we told our parents.  Needless to say they were shocked,  but always supportive!  I setup my first doctor's appointment and worked on getting health insurance.  We decided that a July wedding would no longer work, as baby was due in July.  So we moved up the wedding to the beginning of January, only leaving me less than two months to prepare.  We didn't go with the venue we had originally chosen, we thought it better to save that money since we had a baby on the way.  Everything was changing so fast!
  The time for the first doctor's appointment came.  I didn't know what to expect.  The Dr told me she was going to listen for a heartbeat and found it right away.  I was instantly overjoyed, amazed, and so in love!  That was OUR baby!  That was another defining moment in my life.  A moment I vowed to myself that this baby would come first, always.  That I would put everything I could into being the mom he or she deserved.  But to be honest, I was terrified!  I have not had a full blown panic attack since before that day.  I chose to not let it run me or my life anymore, and have found ways to prevent it from getting to that point.
  January comes and its time for the wedding!  I spend the night before with one of my best friends in a hotel in the town we are to marry in.  Of course I can barely sleep, I'm just too excited!  Morning comes and its finally the day!  I get ready with my girls, get pictures done, and await anxiously for someone to tell me....its time!  I make my way to the entrance, where my dad awaits.  He leads me to my future, as I say goodbye to the end of that chapter.  And gives me to the man I will forever call, my husband.  We say I do, exchange rings, and become husband and wife.  I thought I loved him the most anyone could love another that day, but I would soon learn that it was only going to grow.
  About 2 months after the wedding, it was time to find out the sex.  We go to the ultrasound and it doesn't take long before they say, its a boy!!!  We were so happy!  I had started reading and doing my research, I wanted to be as prepared as possible.  I had started taking care of my two younger siblings at a pretty early age. Also babysat growing up and was an aunt at 16. I believe those things helped me to at least, have a foundation to build on as a first time mom.  Along with the stuff I was finding out along the way.  I didn't have a super close relationship with my older sister, but did occasionally call her for advice. And didn't turn to my mom for that either. 
  I wasn't working anymore, being so sick I couldn't continue the training at the new job.  My hubby was working at a new job but his boss was only giving him about 8 hours a day.  We were struggling!  I had a pretty easy pregnancy, minus the morning sickness and throwing up everyday until delivery.  The last three weeks I stopped gaining weight because I was still throwing up so much and nauseous, so my doctor gave me the option of induction, two weeks before my due date.  Being so young and so miserable, I would have probably done anything at that point to get baby boy out!  We scheduled the induction and tied up all of our loose ends.  The night before induction came, and once again I couldn't sleep.  I was officially going to be a mom tomorrow, I was going to get to see the face I so anxiously awaited!  So many things going through my head, and so many things that could go wrong.  Would everything go ok?

The One

  From the night of our first kiss, we were together from that point on.  We lived 30 minutes away from each other and both were working full time. He was also attending fire fighter school.  From the start, it was so easy and natural.  It was a nice change of pace, as there was a 6 year age difference from my ex to him.  He made me feel at ease, comfortable with myself.  He was sweet, caring, supportive, kind and loved me like I loved him.  There was never a trust issue or the feelings like I had in past relationships.  We started dating in March and I met his family for the first time in April.  They have always been so great to me, and I immediately felt at home.  They have always treated me like I was one of their own.  It didn't take too long before I opened up about my past to my fiance. He has always been very supportive and understanding.  After two months of living away, I moved in with some roommates, in the town where he lived.  
  After dating for four months, (yes only 4) he proposed!!!  I was shocked and ecstatic!  Of course our families were surprised, and some of them concerned we were rushing things.  But mostly they shared in our excitement.  We decided on a July wedding and began to make plans.   About 4 months later, after we had found a venue and set the date, I started feeling extremely sick at my first week of training for my new job.  They ended up sending me home and letting me know we were not allowed to miss any training days, so this couldn't happen again.  The rest of the day, I went on to feel better.  The next morning at training, same time, sick again.  Hmmm, what is going on?  We went out to dinner that weekend with his parents, a late celebratory engagement dinner.  I felt so queasy during dinner, but attributed it to the shrimp I had tried.  When we got home I realized, oh my gosh, I'M LATE!
  I told my fiance and we decided to go get a pregnancy test.  The test said most accurate in the mornings, but I couldn't wait until morning to find out.  I went in my bathroom alone and took the test.  Before I could stand up, there was a bright positive!  Holy *$#%!  As I walk out of the bedroom, test in shaking hands, I tell him.....IT'S POSITIVE!  As he hugs me, we are both immediately overcome with happiness and excitement.  Then (for me anyways) follows fear, shock, and worry.  How will we pay for this?  Am I even capable of giving this child the life it deserves?  I had no medical insurance at the time.  I was only 19 years old, what will my parents say? And even more, what will his parents say??

Time To Choose A Path

  How as a parent, do you respond to your child when they endure something like this? That's got to be extremely hard to come to terms with.  I of course never thought of it in that aspect, until I became a parent myself. As a father to a daughter, there is no real comfortable way to approach it. That's your daughter, that some grown man disrespected and used.  But as a mother? I feel like I would have been right by my daughters side, crying every tear, through every nightmare. Until she pushed me away or asked me to leave. I would have done research and done anything I could, to make her life a little easier as she struggled with these internal demons.  I would have noticed frequent trips to the bathroom immediately following meals, the fact that she always was in her room when she was at home.  I admit, the few times my mom and I talked about it, it was incredibly awkward, but like I said...we didn't have the relationship most did, or that I wished we had.  I just felt that pretending it didn't happen and not talking about it, was definitely not the way to approach it.  Is there any real way to take the awkwardness out of the situation and be there for them?
  After I graduated high school, I originally wanted to attend nursing school at the University of Northern Colorado.  I attended orientation and decided it was not for me.  I then decided to pursue EMT-B.  The first day of class was CPR training.  I had partnered up with a girl I had just met.  Then this guy walked in, I remember thinking instantly how good looking he was and his eyes captured me from the start.  But that's as far as it went, as I was in a relationship at the time.  After my second relationship failed, I decided at that point all I could do was get myself better.  Focusing on myself and finishing EMT school was what I needed to focus on. 
  I started hanging out with friends again, going out and having a good time.  One of my best friends at the time attended college out of state, but was home for spring break.  I decided to take her out with a group of friends from EMT school.  We went out, had a great night, and I ended up hitting it off with the guy who had the striking eyes!  The one who had been in EMT school with us all along.  He kissed me for the first time that night, and I was never the same from that day on!

It Can Only Go Up

  He plead innocent, which just made the people that thought I lied, even more sure I did.  They eventually plea bargained down.  He was charged with one count of sex assault of a child, got off on the second charge.  He lost his teaching license, had to attend therapy, and was placed on probation.  The legal part was over, finally.  My parents tried  putting me in with different therapists, but being so young, it didn't help much at the time.  I wasn't comfortable talking to anybody, much less a stranger. I couldn't even say it out loud.  We didn't speak of it at home, it was just the elephant in the room.  I constantly had dreams, he was always in them.  If he wasn't chasing me, he was a distant face in the crowd.  We visited Laurel regularly, as we still had family there.  I hated showing my face, for everyone knew.  I felt like damaged goods.  I was supported by some and by others was the one in the wrong.
  His wife stayed with him for a few years after this.  I was never sure if it was because he maintained his innocence or because she wanted to work through it.  They even had another child together.  I don't know how his wife, being a mother herself, could continue the marriage.  I believe in staying together and working things through, but how can you come to terms with the fact your husband did this to someone else's child? He eventually got in trouble at work a few years later and was charged with sexual harassment.  It was a violation of his probation.  He served jail time on the violation. 
  I was hoping with the end of the legalities, would come closure.  I started making friends and started feeling less out of place.  I would go on to make friendships that are still continuing.  I tried therapy a few different times and with different people but still wasn't to the point of gaining anything from it.  I found a high school guidance counselor, who I would continue to see a few times throughout high school.  I confided in a handful of friends, others had no idea. I suffered with depression and purging through the age of 17 and anxiety for another 2 years after.  I still struggle with occasional bouts of anxiety, but do not require medication.
  I had two long term relationships in high school and through the start of college.  I learned a lot about relationships and what I thought at the time was love.  It was a struggle for me, as I wasn't sure what was normal in a relationship.  At times even awkward.  I wasn't comfortable with myself and had major trust issues.  It ultimately lead to the breakup of the second relationship. There was also one adult, that I confided in.  Who through many tears, panic attacks, and advice, would come to be my mentor.  They talked me down from a couple suicide attempts.  I remember having my dad's gun out a few different times, but never being able to bring myself to put a bullet in the chamber.

Secret is Out!

  How does a girl, so naive, process all of this?  I had an idea of what sex was, but no idea about the other things involved.  I just didn't get it.  He had a wife, a family.  The next day, we made the move.  I was so nervous to start school and attempt to make new friends.  Who would want to be friends with someone like me?  I consistantly always blamed myself, probably more than I did the man.  Why did I get in the car and allow this?  I was already suffering from depression at this point, and the anxiety started to kick in.  I was disgusted by myself, more now then ever.  I started throwing up my food after I would eat it, thinking in some weird way, that it would make the self loathing disappear.  I started getting severe panic attacks, sometimes requiring medical attention.  There was nobody I could talk to about it, thats not something you just come out and say the first time you have a conversation with somebody.  The one friend that I confided in, was over 500 miles away, and our relationship was deteriorating.  It soon would be, that her and I were no longer friends.  She was one of my best friends, and that was another huge loss for me.  I sometimes ate lunch alone, in the bathroom stalls at school.
  One day, probably about a month or two after we moved, I got an email from the man.  Requesting to meet in person the next time I was in town, he said he owed me an apology for the things that transpired.  Was this real or another ploy to take advantage of me?  As I read the email, my dad entered the room.  I quickly exited the email, as not to let him see.  Not realizing how suspicious I looked.  My dad knew something was up, had me leave the room, and read the email.  He immediately knew something inapproproate had happened and was beyond furiou!  I denied, how could I find the courage to tell him these things?My mom then tried, and I continued to deny.  The next day at school, she searched my room, and found my journal.  She read it, which again was nothing new.  Her being so nosy and reading the letters I recieved in the mail before this, was part of the reason I had lost one of my best friends.  The secret was out!  I didnt expose all the details, I couldnt even bring myself to write them in my journal.  I gave as limited details as I could get away with.  And the legal battle began.  
  I was interviewed by detectives in Fort Lupton, alone.  Scared, ashamed, and humiliated.  They then relayed to the Laurel Police Department.  I also was called into the Laurel Police Department, to be interviewed by Yellowstone County Sheriffs.  I was interviewed by my lawyer.  And lastly, my lawyer, his lawyer, and the DA from Montana, flew to Denver, and I was interviewed by his lawyer....alone.  His lawyer tore me apart, claiming it was consentual and making me feel even more to blame.  I  never disclosed all of the details, I just could never bring myself to do it.  It never went to trial, so I never had to testify in court.  That is where my part of the lawsuit ended.

The Beginning

  I decided to go back, all the way back.  Growing up, I always knew my parents weren't the norm married couple.  They didn't show affection much and argued a lot.  But we always had food on our table, a roof over our head. I never had the close relationship where you go to your mom...when your sick, sad, hurt.  We didn't argue or fight a lot, we just weren't close.  I would go on to middle school to see all my friends grow even closer to their mothers.  I longed for that connection.  I spent any chance I could, sleeping over at others houses.  Sometimes feeling like I belonged there instead.
  When I was in 8th grade, I found out my parents decided to move us to Colorado.  I was devastated, as Montana was all I knew.  I decided to go to the middle school and play some basketball, sometimes my release.  I was approached by a familiar, kind face.  I explained my sadness and discussed my fears.  I was offered a ride home.  That day, my world changed.  I was taken advantage of by someone in a position of power and trust, and didn't even at the time realize the severity of what happened.  I was sworn to secrecy.  Besides, who in the world would believe a 13 year old girl, over a respected teacher and coach.  I shared the details, all of them, with one person.  She kept my secrets and was the only one I could be honest and vent to.  She probably doesn't know it, but at that time, she saved my life.  I slowly started slipping into depression.  I would look in the mirror and be disgusted at the person looking back at me.  I began cutting myself, as a means of therapy. 
  I dreaded going to school, as it was so awkward to face the man, and pretend everything was normal.  I started lashing out and having issues with any adult figure that was not my parent.  I told myself, I will never let myself be hurt and used like that again.  I started getting in trouble at school, and getting written up.  Which if you know me, is very out of character.  I always was a good kid, rarely in trouble, good grades.
    I finally got the courage to tell one other friend of mine, one limited detail. I was automatically presumed a liar, which was my biggest fear, and people started turning on me.  Three months passed.  The day had come to finally move to Colorado.  I spent the last night with a few of my close friends.  I was so unsure of my future.  How will I deal with a new school, a new town, a new life, when I was already dealing with so much? Not only was that my last night with my friends, the last night in the town I loved, but it was the night I would be sexually assaulted for the second and last time.

The Start of a Downhill Spiral

Where do I even start...it all started a few years ago, when my parents marriage finally started deteriorating for good.  They finally split up, and we all began to move on with what would now be the new normal.  My mom was very hurt.  She lashed out at everyone, even us kids.  She lied to us, about us.   We asked her repeatedly to stop lying about us and to us.   Our feelings were never acknowledged, which was nothing new.  She kept saying very cruel and hateful things to us and about us.  I have never known someone that could willingly say those things about their children, make them feel the way she did, or not even blink and eye when I would express my feelings and hurt.  It was immediately redirected to herself, and how she was doing.  Growing up I always knew that she wasnt the normal mother, and we didnt have the normal relationship.  But becoming a mom, my eyes were opened to the truth.    This is the start of where my family would never, ever be able to regain any normalcy again.  This is my therapy....