It Can Only Go Up

  He plead innocent, which just made the people that thought I lied, even more sure I did.  They eventually plea bargained down.  He was charged with one count of sex assault of a child, got off on the second charge.  He lost his teaching license, had to attend therapy, and was placed on probation.  The legal part was over, finally.  My parents tried  putting me in with different therapists, but being so young, it didn't help much at the time.  I wasn't comfortable talking to anybody, much less a stranger. I couldn't even say it out loud.  We didn't speak of it at home, it was just the elephant in the room.  I constantly had dreams, he was always in them.  If he wasn't chasing me, he was a distant face in the crowd.  We visited Laurel regularly, as we still had family there.  I hated showing my face, for everyone knew.  I felt like damaged goods.  I was supported by some and by others was the one in the wrong.
  His wife stayed with him for a few years after this.  I was never sure if it was because he maintained his innocence or because she wanted to work through it.  They even had another child together.  I don't know how his wife, being a mother herself, could continue the marriage.  I believe in staying together and working things through, but how can you come to terms with the fact your husband did this to someone else's child? He eventually got in trouble at work a few years later and was charged with sexual harassment.  It was a violation of his probation.  He served jail time on the violation. 
  I was hoping with the end of the legalities, would come closure.  I started making friends and started feeling less out of place.  I would go on to make friendships that are still continuing.  I tried therapy a few different times and with different people but still wasn't to the point of gaining anything from it.  I found a high school guidance counselor, who I would continue to see a few times throughout high school.  I confided in a handful of friends, others had no idea. I suffered with depression and purging through the age of 17 and anxiety for another 2 years after.  I still struggle with occasional bouts of anxiety, but do not require medication.
  I had two long term relationships in high school and through the start of college.  I learned a lot about relationships and what I thought at the time was love.  It was a struggle for me, as I wasn't sure what was normal in a relationship.  At times even awkward.  I wasn't comfortable with myself and had major trust issues.  It ultimately lead to the breakup of the second relationship. There was also one adult, that I confided in.  Who through many tears, panic attacks, and advice, would come to be my mentor.  They talked me down from a couple suicide attempts.  I remember having my dad's gun out a few different times, but never being able to bring myself to put a bullet in the chamber.