Bear with me if this is a little all over the place! A little over a year ago, I am informed that my mother, the one that birthed me, is being accused of some heinous crimes. Crimes that I cannot fathom, nor comprehend and I'm not sure how I ever will. She is accused of sexual assault on a child!! I couldn't for the life of me, bring myself to process this. MY MOM!! We never had a close relationship, but she never ever gave me that impression. I'm immediately sickened and nauseous! I'm instantly judging myself...how does this reflect me? This is my mothers blood running through my veins. The time frame that this happened was well after all of the stuff had happened with myself. How could she watch me endure hell, point the finger at my accuser and take him for all his money, and then do something so mortifying? No wonder she didn't care or reach out when I was going through what I did, she was sick in her head and probably didn't see what was wrong with the situation. I immediately think of my children. How could someone ever do this to such an innocent soul? Its only then that I am so thankful that my mom was never alone with my children. Its extremely saddening that I am thankful for something like that, but better than the alternative. All of these accusations came out, and my mom was supposed to be coming to stay with me for Easter. But we were sworn to secrecy, as the person who is accusing her, wasn't ready for this to be made public at that time. I had to respect their wishes, it wasn't my place. So how am I supposed to allow my mom in my home, like everything is normal? I didn't want her anywhere near my children, much less staying in my home.
I think just that right there, is something major in itself, to have to deal with. Then I found out, that not only do I know the victim, but he is family. He is, my brother :'( It just keeps getting worse. How could this happen to any child, much less her OWN child? I struggled for a while and lost about 10 or more pounds. Not because I wasn't eating, but literally because of the stress. I wished that I could just have the family dysfunction of the divorce back, I would take all of that in a heartbeat over the bomb that was just dropped on me.
Please explain this to me. How one of the worst crimes you can commit, is now being said about my mother. How could she do this? What actually goes wrong in the brain for people to be this way? The fact that I'm made from that woman at this point is scary and disturbing. I continued to support her, from a distance. She still after all this, would send me harassing messages, always putting me down. Making me feel like, I am somehow to blame for how her life is. It always gets turned around on me. I never noticed this as much growing up, but now see that she has never recognized my feelings in any situation. If I said I feel this way, its a no that's not right or that's not true. Then instead of doubting her, I always doubted myself. Did I remember this wrong? I must not have a right to feel this way. She would always turn it into something else. She would get upset at me for not doing the things she wanted me to do or feeling the way she wanted me to feel. How does she honestly think, especially after my past, that I am just supposed to act like this never happened?
I got a call from a police detective and he did and over the phone interview that he recorded. I don't think I was much help, as I never saw her act inappropriate or cross any boundaries with anyone, much less my brother. But the time frame of when all of this stuff happened, is right when she started her downhill spiral. And also right when my brother started changing too. He suffers from depression, anxiety, and social disorder to just name a few. He will need lifelong therapy and at 19 is incapable of functioning at the level he should be. I worry about him on a regular basis.
She hasn't always denied it. Sometimes she denies it, others time she is unsure. She even called me upset one day and said, "Do you think when I was having an emotional breakdown, that I could have done it?" She in saying that, admitted guilt to in my opinion. I don't care what was going on in my marriage, what drugs I was on, or what abuse I have endured in my life....no way in any way would it be negotiable of me committing that crime. I would never think, did I maybe do it? It would be more of an immediate HELL NO I DIDN'T DO IT!! She has always been a pathological liar though, so her word at that point meant nothing. Especially after she continually lied to us and about us for the last 10 months. I never told her whether I thought she did it for sure, but she knew I wasn't going to carry on a normal relationship from then on. I set my rules. If she visited, she was not allowed to stay in my home or be around my children without supervision, PERIOD! She has continued to treat me badly since we found out. She never called to say, hey how are my grandchildren? Never a how are you, whats new? If she called its because she wanted details about my dad or she wanted to try and make me feel guilty for something. After I had Brycen, she called. And never once congratulated me or shared in my happiness, all she could do was cry and whine about not being able to be here for it. She couldn't even let me have that moment, she had to once again make me feel bad when I should have been on cloud 9!
A few months back had blocked her from facebook and from calling me. I just couldn't let her bring me down anymore and bring all of this unnecessary drama in my life. She was lucky that after everything she has done, I was even willing to allow her to call me or be friends on facebook. She wants to post all over facebook about her how her ex husband is a cheater and how anyone could have them in their lives is not acceptable. Never once does she mention the way she treats her children or the things she is being accused of. She just wants to point the finger at everyone else and not accept responsibility for her actions. She claims she is moving on in her life and focusing on herself, but is still harassing my dads girlfriend and holding grudges over people associating with her. She will tell people that her daughters are back stabbers and that we are in the wrong. Recently my paternal grandfather died. You would think, even with everything that has happened, they would put it all aside and celebrate my grandpas life. As soon as they found out they were harassing my dad and his girlfriend. Threatening that if my dad brought his girlfriend to his own fathers funeral, they would "kick her ass." My sister never once said hey sorry for you loss dad, she went immediately to threats and anger. I was so anxious about the funeral and the drama that was going to take place. My sister isn't above starting a fight with my dads girlfriend at my grandpas funeral. She never showed up, so it went on drama free.
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