Stuck

  A part of me was sad that my sister didn't attend the funeral because I was looking forward to seeing my nieces and nephews.  I texted my sister after the funeral to see if I could see them.  She was hesitant but after some begging on my part, agreed to let them come outside and see me for a minute.  When I saw them I was so happy, and immediately extremely sad.  This is the first time I had seen them since my sister decided not to let me in her life.  They were so big and I realized just at that moment, how much I was really missing.  I was used to only seeing them a couple times a year, but it had been a year and a half since I had seen them.  I immediately broke down, which is not like me.  I can usually put on my brave face, but I just couldn't this time.  I sat back down in the car and tried my best to compose myself.  I regained my composure and threw my sunglasses on.  I stepped out and finished talking with them for a few minutes, hugged them, and left.  My sisters husband came out and talked to me for a min (this was before she was accused of attempting to kiss the married man). 
  It was just a couple weeks after funeral, that all this went down with my sister and the bar fight.  My mom of course, after all of this went down, wanted to text me about my dads girlfriend again, like I had asked her a million times not to.  She also took the opportunity to put me down.  She rubbed it in that my brother in law was no longer talking to me, like it was my fault that my sister got punched in the bar.  I told her how stressed I was and told her I could no longer deal with her treating me badly.  I said "Ive already lost my sister, nieces, nephews, brother in law, and my relationship with my mom.  I cant deal with this right now!"  What would a normal reaction for a mother when your child came to saying something like that?  Well hers is to automatically turn it into what she has lost.  She cant even for a moment encourage me, tell me it will be OK, anything.  She has to immediately turn it back to herself.  It was so hurtful that she couldn't for one second, let the conversation be about me.  That was my last straw with her, and I blocked her in all ways at that moment.  I haven't heard anything from her since, and its overall been peaceful and nice.
  Now I'm trying to adjust with the reality of my life.  My mother is possibly going to be arrested soon and possibly for multiple felonies.  One of those being sexual assault on a child.  I no longer have a relationship with my sister, nieces and nephews, brother in law, or mother.  I feel stuck, like I'm never going to be able to get over what my mother is accused of doing.  How do you process with that and move on with your life?  I have known for over a year now and still just cant understand or process this.
  I, as a mother, just cannot fathom, understand, or get how its possible to do that to a child.  Having endured it in my past has caused struggles I will continue with in my life.  A main one being too overbearing.  I believe it made me probably more scared and cautious then most mothers.  I'm so thankful that my husband is there to balance me out.  He lets me know when I'm being too overprotective and I try my best not to be and adjust accordingly.  Its like I need to go back into therapy again and instead of dealing with being the victim, I deal with being a child of someone who could commit this crime.  Its embarrassing and humiliating to say the least. Although everyone says it isn't a direct reflection of me, I cant help but think that.
  Like I said earlier my relationship with my dad has always been OK.  He drank a lot growing up, which is something I always have resented him for.  He drove truck when we were younger, so he was gone weeks at a time.  We have always gotten along for the most part.  He has made it clear he has made mistakes and now he does his best to make up for the mistakes he has made.  He is a great grandpa and has been there for me the last two years since my mom filed for divorce.  I'm so happy that we are working on our relationship, since a lot of my other ones are crumbling.  I'm also thankful to be so close with my younger sister too.  We are going through a lot of the same issues, and its nice to have someone who understands where I'm coming from.  She is one of my best friends and we are very active in each others lives!