While it was great to be with my family when I went home for my Grandpa's funeral, it also was the moment I decided to put myself first and cut ties with my Mom. I have been in a bit of an emotional slump since then. I feel like everywhere I turn whether its TV or facebook, everybody is talking about how family is everything. While I do agree with that about my husband and kids, my sis, little bro, and Dad....I lost a good chunk of the rest of them. If family stands by you through thick and thin, where are they now? I see on TV families deal with struggles and disagreements, but pull together for each other in the end. Its heartbreaking to me to know that I will never have that, no matter how much I wish I did. I see these mothers who are their daughters best friends. When I think about my mom, I'm everything but happy and proud.
There was an interview that was a part of the case against my mom that happened today. The person touched base with me after the interview to let me know, that its still more waiting. They said that they had some evidence of my mom admitting she may have done these things, and that they turned them into the police. This is huge in the case, as its the first real piece of evidence in the case, besides interviews. Its definitely not looking good for her. If/when they decide to proceed, they will issue a summons or just go arrest her. This waiting game is killing me. Not that it will be easy when I hear that they arrested her, but I just need whatever is that's going to happen, to happen. So I can figure out what I need to do to finally move on. But then comes the reality of dealing with the fact that my mother is now a sex offender, who will likely spend the next 25+ years in prison! How to I tell my kids? How do I put that aside, and still carry on with my normal life? I know I have asked myself and you, this question a million times.
I feel like while learning how NOT to be in a marriage and as a parent, I have set the expectations of myself high. Right now I feel like I'm giving and giving and giving, everything I can, to everyone else. I'm trying to be the best wife, friend, sister, daughter, mother, aunt. I just wish for one second I could be happy with some aspect of that. I don't by any means think I'm a bad mom or wife etc. But I guess I am not where I strive to be or where I think I am in my mind. I just want things to go smoothly for once, and not require so much of me when I need to sort myself out. From making sure my marriage is a priority, to being a full time stay at home mother of 3, to constantly worrying about my brother and wondering how I can help, to dwelling in the reality of the accusations of my mother and my strained relationship with her, to not being a part of my sisters and her kids' lives, to stressing and looking for alternative ways to treat Braydens ADD, to the reality that my dad had and still has a drinking problem. I usually do so good about keeping that smile on my face, no matter what is going on in my life. Its just lately its harder to smile, when I feel this way inside.
I don't always feel like this. I know how blessed I am, and I do not take it for granted! But I don't think people understand just everything that is on my mind right now, nor can they understand what its like to be in this situation unless its happened to them. Cant someone just cut me some slack on the little things, when internally I'm at battle? What about what I have accomplished, given everything I've been through? What about the fact that everyday I make it a point to not be the mom my mother was, to not be the wife she was, to realize that her actions have nothing to do with person I am? To not choose to live in self pity or be fine with being the victim...
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