Well I didn't start therapy last week. In the middle of insurance change, so I had to reschedule. The soonest she could get me in, is January 6th. I'm bummed that I am back to waiting. It's going to be hard to deal with it, but I need to just get on with it. I want to be better, I want the tools I need right now. My supplements ran out, and I won't have a chance to get more until maybe a week. So just going at it alone right now.
I am having a tough time. I'm back to second guessing everyone and feeling like in the end, all I have is myself. I can say the same things until I am blue in the face, so what's the point? I can say that it hurts me to feel like people don't know how to approach me about the subject, so they just don't. It hurts, and I know I have said this before, but I don't feel like I should have to ask for some of these things. I want people to understand me, to understand their loved ones dealing with depression and anxiety. I don't get why people wouldn't take the opportunity to gain knowledge about it, learn how to be there the best you can for yourself or the ones you love, that are dealing with it. So just staying in the dark and avoiding the subject, that's going to help? In fact, that's a sure way to earn resentment from the depressed party. I don't want to feel like this towards people, its not me!
I know people try, they see me smiling and feeling better, they assume things are good. Or they don't want to bring me down by bringing it up. It is always on my mind, and it doesn't hurt me anymore to talk about it, then it does to live with it, in my brain, everyday. What does hurt me is people just assuming I am ok, and not asking. To move on, you have to face the feelings head on and learn to cope with it, instead of suppressing it. You have to talk about it. You have to be validated, this is one of the most important things! I'm sick of worrying about hurting or worrying others by being honest. I'm sick of worrying about people judging me, for being honest. I am done editing myself. This is me, all of me. Flaws and all. But I know who I am, and what I bring, whether I am struggling or not! I am worth people asking if I am ok, asking what they can do! I am worth people reading up because they don't know how to act or what to or not to say. We all get busy, I get it. But if its important to you, you MAKE TIME! PERIOD! Maybe I should just try and stop having any expectations. Then, in theory, wont be let down.
Depression is such a roller coaster sometimes. I get sick of the lack of control. I'm a control freak, so this doesn't work well with me. I just want to be in control again!
Thursday, December 11, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Make It Stop
It hurts so deep. I am so down. I am shutting down. I honestly feel like my kids would be better off without me. They would be better with someone that doesn't have all of this other shit distracting them. Someone that can give themselves fully, patiently, give them what they need. Same for my hubby. He deserves someone that doesn't shut down on him, that can love him fully the way he needs to be. That can validate him. Can God just take a pencil and erase me? So that nobody knows any better, like I never existed. I can not live my life, if its constantly going to be this part of me that is missing, this part of me that hurts. Nor do I want to.
I should have just let the first person that sexually abused me the first time, have sex with me. Someone else was just going to come along and take me anyways. I feel so expendable. I didn't serve my purpose for my mom and sister anymore, so I was discarded like a piece of trash. I see a pattern of people just using me for what they need, then when they don't need me anymore, oh well no big loss to them. I try my best to be open and honest, but as the days progress, it gets increasingly harder. I worry that soon (since I have already shut out most people) I will shut out those few that I am still open with. I don't want to stress others out by sharing my issues. I don't want to make people feel like they cant say what they think or that they have to walk on egg shells and constantly watch what they say. I don't have a mom to run to, to hug me and reassure me that everything is going to be ok. To tell me that its not me, to tell me its ok to feel this way, to hear them say that they will help me every step of the way.
Sometimes I turn on music and just sit and write and sob. The pain bleeds out as I type. I just want out of my head sometimes. One of the scariest parts is, I don't have all of the pieces to the puzzle yet. So that means that most likely it is going to get worse before it gets better. I know I cant live like this forever, but that thought is scary!
I should have just let the first person that sexually abused me the first time, have sex with me. Someone else was just going to come along and take me anyways. I feel so expendable. I didn't serve my purpose for my mom and sister anymore, so I was discarded like a piece of trash. I see a pattern of people just using me for what they need, then when they don't need me anymore, oh well no big loss to them. I try my best to be open and honest, but as the days progress, it gets increasingly harder. I worry that soon (since I have already shut out most people) I will shut out those few that I am still open with. I don't want to stress others out by sharing my issues. I don't want to make people feel like they cant say what they think or that they have to walk on egg shells and constantly watch what they say. I don't have a mom to run to, to hug me and reassure me that everything is going to be ok. To tell me that its not me, to tell me its ok to feel this way, to hear them say that they will help me every step of the way.
Sometimes I turn on music and just sit and write and sob. The pain bleeds out as I type. I just want out of my head sometimes. One of the scariest parts is, I don't have all of the pieces to the puzzle yet. So that means that most likely it is going to get worse before it gets better. I know I cant live like this forever, but that thought is scary!
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
A Little Hope
Some days, its really hard for me to write what I really feel, and then to share it. Sometimes I write and never publish it. It's hard to be that open, and for people to know your deepest thoughts and feelings. But in the end, I know the reason I do it. And I know that some of you can relate. I want to take a little time and talk about PTSD. I have already talked to you about what it's like living with depression, I want to explain what its like to have depression and PTSD!
"PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster.
Most people who experience a traumatic event will have reactions that may include shock, anger, nervousness, fear, and even guilt. These reactions are common; and for most people, they go away over time. For a person with PTSD, however, these feelings continue and even increase, becoming so strong that they keep the person from living a normal life." These are the main symptoms associated with PTSD:
I started some supplements that have shown to help with depression. It's my only step before I go back to medication. I am not thrilled about the idea of being medicated again, so I am really hoping we can get this under control before we get to that stage. I found a psychologist that is willing to work with me on price and she is the one I originally planned on seeing. She couldn't get me in until December 3, so I am anxiously awaiting for that. She specialized in sexual abuse and EMDR. EMDR is a new type of therapy that I am going to try.
Having a therapy session set up (although I do have anxiety involved) and the supplements started, was my little glimmer of hope that I needed. I felt stuck and was at a lack of options, but worked around it to try and come up with another plan. It is going be a long road ahead of me, and I have a lot to work on, but if I want be the healthiest and best mom and wife that I can be, I don't have a choice. I am going to end up alone because I am pushing people away (not purposely) and isolating. So to all things uncomfortable, here I go! Hope you all are along for the ride!
"PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster.
Most people who experience a traumatic event will have reactions that may include shock, anger, nervousness, fear, and even guilt. These reactions are common; and for most people, they go away over time. For a person with PTSD, however, these feelings continue and even increase, becoming so strong that they keep the person from living a normal life." These are the main symptoms associated with PTSD:
- Reliving: People with PTSD repeatedly relive the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma, such as the anniversary date of the event.
- Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts, or situations that may remind him or her of the trauma. This can lead to feelings of detachment and isolation from family and friends, as well as a loss of interest in activities that the person once enjoyed.
- Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being "jumpy" or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea, and diarrhea.
I started some supplements that have shown to help with depression. It's my only step before I go back to medication. I am not thrilled about the idea of being medicated again, so I am really hoping we can get this under control before we get to that stage. I found a psychologist that is willing to work with me on price and she is the one I originally planned on seeing. She couldn't get me in until December 3, so I am anxiously awaiting for that. She specialized in sexual abuse and EMDR. EMDR is a new type of therapy that I am going to try.
Having a therapy session set up (although I do have anxiety involved) and the supplements started, was my little glimmer of hope that I needed. I felt stuck and was at a lack of options, but worked around it to try and come up with another plan. It is going be a long road ahead of me, and I have a lot to work on, but if I want be the healthiest and best mom and wife that I can be, I don't have a choice. I am going to end up alone because I am pushing people away (not purposely) and isolating. So to all things uncomfortable, here I go! Hope you all are along for the ride!
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Unworthy
How is going to feel, if I choose to protect myself now and keep my distance from my mom, when she is gone from this world? I hope I can find comfort in knowing I did everything I could do. But I don't know that I will feel that way. Is that even possible? I may know in my heart, what the right decision is, but all of that gets clouded and irrational when faced with a weight that heavy.
Why is it that so many people think they know about depression or think they understand it? People think its just a mentality. They think that you can think your way out of depression, or just get over it. IT ISN'T THAT SIMPLE! It affects every aspect of your life. Your emotions, your mentality, your way of thinking. There is a chemical imbalance in your brain, so unless your are doing things to increase your serotonin level, (and even if you are) it most likely isn't going to work. You cant just will yourself out of it. Yes you can have good days, many for that matter. But you can also have really, really, bad days. You cant just focus on the things that are going right in your life, and it automatically be better. Even while depressed, I understand I am blessed in many ways. I understand that things could be worse. But what people don't understand, is how much I am actually dealing with. I am losing myself to depression. I am losing my ability to be the wife and mom I want to be, to be the friend I want to be, to be the PERSON I want to be. I look around and see loss everywhere. Ok, so I overcame sexual assault as a child, now you are adding in rape too. A rape that I didn't even know happened until recently. Everywhere I look I am constantly losing something. I feel my marriage slipping away, (because I am lost) I feel my control is slipping away, my family (sister, mom, the family I had growing up) has already slipped away, my confidence in myself is slipping away, my ability to pick myself up and sort through all of this is slipping away. What I expected and hoped things would be like for me now, gone. I feel so alone. Yes, I have people to talk to, if I feel like it. But in the end, I am alone. I am alone with my thoughts and feelings, I am alone going through all of the things that come along with rape, I am the one losing these relationships, I am the one that feels this overwhelming pain. And I just don't feel like I have it in me to conquer this insurmountable amount of shit. Some days, I get this wave of strength! This wave of encouragement! But then the reality of all I have to overcome and no resources to do it, hits.
Another thing I don't understand. Is it so unreasonable for me to want people to reach out, people to ask that I am ok, whether I am giving them a reason to or not? Why wouldn't the ones that are close to me, want to understand, want to do the things that could help as much? Maybe its because I have been in this situation, I know what its like, I know what I would want. I am so used to dealing with all of this alone, that it feels wrong of me to want that. I feel that I don't have the right to want that or need that. It is really hard for me to ask for what I need, for this reason. I don't feel worthy.
Why is it that so many people think they know about depression or think they understand it? People think its just a mentality. They think that you can think your way out of depression, or just get over it. IT ISN'T THAT SIMPLE! It affects every aspect of your life. Your emotions, your mentality, your way of thinking. There is a chemical imbalance in your brain, so unless your are doing things to increase your serotonin level, (and even if you are) it most likely isn't going to work. You cant just will yourself out of it. Yes you can have good days, many for that matter. But you can also have really, really, bad days. You cant just focus on the things that are going right in your life, and it automatically be better. Even while depressed, I understand I am blessed in many ways. I understand that things could be worse. But what people don't understand, is how much I am actually dealing with. I am losing myself to depression. I am losing my ability to be the wife and mom I want to be, to be the friend I want to be, to be the PERSON I want to be. I look around and see loss everywhere. Ok, so I overcame sexual assault as a child, now you are adding in rape too. A rape that I didn't even know happened until recently. Everywhere I look I am constantly losing something. I feel my marriage slipping away, (because I am lost) I feel my control is slipping away, my family (sister, mom, the family I had growing up) has already slipped away, my confidence in myself is slipping away, my ability to pick myself up and sort through all of this is slipping away. What I expected and hoped things would be like for me now, gone. I feel so alone. Yes, I have people to talk to, if I feel like it. But in the end, I am alone. I am alone with my thoughts and feelings, I am alone going through all of the things that come along with rape, I am the one losing these relationships, I am the one that feels this overwhelming pain. And I just don't feel like I have it in me to conquer this insurmountable amount of shit. Some days, I get this wave of strength! This wave of encouragement! But then the reality of all I have to overcome and no resources to do it, hits.
Another thing I don't understand. Is it so unreasonable for me to want people to reach out, people to ask that I am ok, whether I am giving them a reason to or not? Why wouldn't the ones that are close to me, want to understand, want to do the things that could help as much? Maybe its because I have been in this situation, I know what its like, I know what I would want. I am so used to dealing with all of this alone, that it feels wrong of me to want that. I feel that I don't have the right to want that or need that. It is really hard for me to ask for what I need, for this reason. I don't feel worthy.
Friday, September 19, 2014
Why?
So, how am I feeling now that we are 3 weeks after all of this came to be? Soooo much better than at first! The initial shock and confusion has worn off some, the pain isn't intense. The moment I found out, I momentarily gave up! I felt so discouraged and down. I had no hope that I was ever going to feel "normal" again. I wanted to run away! Away from this reality, away from the pain, away from the responsibilities. I thought that surely I had a few years of therapy, anxiety, and depression. Just after I had posted this video showing that things get better, that you can be happy and live your life to the same extent you would have. I felt like a hypocrite. How am I gonna say all of those things in that video, but feel so hopeless? There was at least a good week that I had no confidence in myself. All I could see was that I wasn't being the mom and wife I wanted to be, because my mind was so clouded. All I could think about is how my kids and hubby deserved someone better. Someone that didn't come with all of this baggage, someone that didn't have all of this extra stuff to deal with, that could just focus on them. I had lost hope that could I be, what they needed.
I think most of the irrational thoughts I had at that time, were a common reaction to the situation. I literally layed in bed for days and cried and cried and cried. I lost my appetite, my confidence, and what inner peace was still there. I felt like why even do this again? Why should I have to rebuild myself again because of others' choices and lack of control? It just wasn't fair. You go through all of the why me's? What did I do, to deserve to go through this not once but TWICE? What could I have done differently? What is wrong with me? I had a couple close people I told about it, and of course they all were there for me as much as possible. But I think it is very hard for them to relate. No matter what they said or how many people were there for me, to a point, I am still so alone. They can empathize and probably can imagine what it's like, but I am the one feeling it and living it. I am usually a happy, sarcastic (shocker) person. I just wasn't her anymore, and I was worried she wasn't going to come back again.
Part of getting over it, is feeling it. Feeling the feelings, processing them, regaining the rational thoughts again. I am still feeling it, and it's not as painful as it was. More of the rational thought processes are back and the confidence in myself. The hopelessness has dissipated. I am taking it day by day, but feeling a little more like myself! My feistiness has returned a little, which is always good (for the most part lol) :)
I think most of the irrational thoughts I had at that time, were a common reaction to the situation. I literally layed in bed for days and cried and cried and cried. I lost my appetite, my confidence, and what inner peace was still there. I felt like why even do this again? Why should I have to rebuild myself again because of others' choices and lack of control? It just wasn't fair. You go through all of the why me's? What did I do, to deserve to go through this not once but TWICE? What could I have done differently? What is wrong with me? I had a couple close people I told about it, and of course they all were there for me as much as possible. But I think it is very hard for them to relate. No matter what they said or how many people were there for me, to a point, I am still so alone. They can empathize and probably can imagine what it's like, but I am the one feeling it and living it. I am usually a happy, sarcastic (shocker) person. I just wasn't her anymore, and I was worried she wasn't going to come back again.
Part of getting over it, is feeling it. Feeling the feelings, processing them, regaining the rational thoughts again. I am still feeling it, and it's not as painful as it was. More of the rational thought processes are back and the confidence in myself. The hopelessness has dissipated. I am taking it day by day, but feeling a little more like myself! My feistiness has returned a little, which is always good (for the most part lol) :)
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Hidden
So I was asked to make a video as an advocate for sexual assault/abuse, I decided it was definitely something I wanted to do! While sharing my story has been a freeing experience for me, the whole reason I wanted to, was because I wanted to try and help others. Others that had been in a similar situation, others suffering from depression and anxiety for other reasons, others that feel like what they feel now is permanent. I had a great response to it and hope that it did inspire and help others! The day I posted the video(after I worked out the glitches) ended with me having what is called a "flashback." Flashbacks are common with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but all of the ones I have had, have all been of things I remember happening. This time it was different, I had no remembrance of the few things I saw. It was only a piece of this puzzle. I just assumed I was maybe recalling a nightmare I had had, since I thought for sure what I saw, was not something that happened to me.
I couldn't kick the feelings that came with this flashback. I decided to text one of my besties who has been by my side since I was 10. Before I could give her any details as to what I saw, she already knew. She said that I had told her about it years ago, she knew what I saw in my flashback. At the moment I realized that it was reality, not a flashback. The small piece I saw, really had happened :( It was so traumatizing for me, I had so many questions! How could I forget something SO important? Is that even possible? The whole time I was nervous about going back to therapy, but because I thought maybe there was something suppressed that I didn't know about. But I thought it would be in regards to the sexual assault I have already dealt with, not something completely new and forgotten.
What I remembered, in some ways, was worse than anything that happened to me at 13. Since the original offender contacted me in January, and I had my first major setback with anxiety and depression, I have been on a thin line between depression and not. As soon as I remembered this and it was believed true, I instantly slid all the way back down the slide into depression. Although depression as a teen and now is so much different. I have a strong foundation around me, supporting me this time. And I have been trying to not keep it to myself and be honest with how I am feeling and thinking. Even though I don't remember this happening, I feel like it isn't fresh for me. Like my subconscious somehow knows it was a long time ago, although not dealt with. I also feel like my coping skills are so much better!
After recalling this, I was so scared to start therapy. I don't want to have to go in and relive all this, uncover all the details that are locked away so I can process it, feel it, and move on. But I knew, it was something I had to do. So I looked into all of the psychologists in my area that accept my insurance, and called my insurance to find out what benefits I have. Turns out, my health insurance plan has NO mental health coverage. So we have hit a road block there as of now.
So how exactly did this all make me feel? It brought up old feelings of self loathing, disgust, hopelessness. Fear of the unknown, sadness, anger, shame, and anxiety. I felt extremely discouraged. It had taken my years to get over all of this before. SO many tears, cuts, lonely thoughts and now I am back at the beginning again? I didn't want to start over again, I didn't want to be back at square one. Yes I may be depressed. But I am not suicidal, I will never self harm again and I have no thoughts towards my weight. So not struggling with all of those things, is a change also!
Here is my video, if you missed it before! Feel free to share! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3Yxje75Rkg
I couldn't kick the feelings that came with this flashback. I decided to text one of my besties who has been by my side since I was 10. Before I could give her any details as to what I saw, she already knew. She said that I had told her about it years ago, she knew what I saw in my flashback. At the moment I realized that it was reality, not a flashback. The small piece I saw, really had happened :( It was so traumatizing for me, I had so many questions! How could I forget something SO important? Is that even possible? The whole time I was nervous about going back to therapy, but because I thought maybe there was something suppressed that I didn't know about. But I thought it would be in regards to the sexual assault I have already dealt with, not something completely new and forgotten.
What I remembered, in some ways, was worse than anything that happened to me at 13. Since the original offender contacted me in January, and I had my first major setback with anxiety and depression, I have been on a thin line between depression and not. As soon as I remembered this and it was believed true, I instantly slid all the way back down the slide into depression. Although depression as a teen and now is so much different. I have a strong foundation around me, supporting me this time. And I have been trying to not keep it to myself and be honest with how I am feeling and thinking. Even though I don't remember this happening, I feel like it isn't fresh for me. Like my subconscious somehow knows it was a long time ago, although not dealt with. I also feel like my coping skills are so much better!
After recalling this, I was so scared to start therapy. I don't want to have to go in and relive all this, uncover all the details that are locked away so I can process it, feel it, and move on. But I knew, it was something I had to do. So I looked into all of the psychologists in my area that accept my insurance, and called my insurance to find out what benefits I have. Turns out, my health insurance plan has NO mental health coverage. So we have hit a road block there as of now.
So how exactly did this all make me feel? It brought up old feelings of self loathing, disgust, hopelessness. Fear of the unknown, sadness, anger, shame, and anxiety. I felt extremely discouraged. It had taken my years to get over all of this before. SO many tears, cuts, lonely thoughts and now I am back at the beginning again? I didn't want to start over again, I didn't want to be back at square one. Yes I may be depressed. But I am not suicidal, I will never self harm again and I have no thoughts towards my weight. So not struggling with all of those things, is a change also!
Here is my video, if you missed it before! Feel free to share! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3Yxje75Rkg
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Missing
That awkward moment when I am sitting in the drive through line at Dairy Queen, and I hear a song that brings me to tears. It hurts so much not to have my nieces, nephews, sister and Mom in my life. By the time I need to order, I am sobbing. Most days I just deal with it, other days it's really painful. I was hoping with time, it would get easier. It has to a point, I guess. I don't struggle everyday, but the days it is painful, it is just as painful as it was from the start. How does one pick themselves up, and put the pieces back together to move on, when part of me is missing? I am hoping that therapy will help me figure that out. With the kids in school and things slowing down, its now or never. I am so nervous about it! I already know that they are going to suggest medicine, I can tell by the way my brain is working, that it isn't its normal. It is negative and not completely rational. It is bringing me down every chance it gets. To admit that the depression has reared its ugly head again, is so discouraging to me. To hear them say, that they think I need medicine again after 12 years of not medicating, is not going to be easy for me.
People that know my situation try to tell me all the time...look how blessed you are. It is true, I am blessed with many things, and I am thankful for those things. But that doesn't help my mindset, in fact it makes me feel worse for feeling this way again. Oh but you have a great husband and 3 healthy, beautiful kids! Oh but you have your other sister still, and you have a new step mom! Yes, I do, and thank goodness for that, but that doesn't feel the void that's been left by them. No matter how good everything else has been, I am dealing with the loss of those relationships, dealing with the set backs from my offender contacting me again, I am dealing with the internal struggle of my mother committing the most horrible crimes against my brother and how she has treated me. The worry of losing my sanity and becoming one of them.
I can't believe this summer is coming to an end already. It has been crazy but a whole lot of fun! Back into a routine, back to sending my two kids off to two strangers that I hope will take care of them as I would. I always get a little emotional when school starts again. Both of my oldest, will be in full days, 5 days now. This is quite different than what I am used to. They are growing so fast, before I know it, all three will be in. I will however, enjoy this one on one time with my little man. Speaking of my little mind, he is going in for his second dental surgery next week. I am freaking out again. It will be a lot easier than last time, way less work, way less time sedated. But just putting him to sleep is so scary for me. I know its what has to be done, and its what's best, but I am so anxious! Say a prayer for him please <3 I will keep you all updated, as therapy starts. It's going to be a hard road, but I know I can do it!
This is the song I heard, that caused the tears. It isn't exactly relevant to my situation, but hit home. I want peace! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS6SzfF6p_g
People that know my situation try to tell me all the time...look how blessed you are. It is true, I am blessed with many things, and I am thankful for those things. But that doesn't help my mindset, in fact it makes me feel worse for feeling this way again. Oh but you have a great husband and 3 healthy, beautiful kids! Oh but you have your other sister still, and you have a new step mom! Yes, I do, and thank goodness for that, but that doesn't feel the void that's been left by them. No matter how good everything else has been, I am dealing with the loss of those relationships, dealing with the set backs from my offender contacting me again, I am dealing with the internal struggle of my mother committing the most horrible crimes against my brother and how she has treated me. The worry of losing my sanity and becoming one of them.
I can't believe this summer is coming to an end already. It has been crazy but a whole lot of fun! Back into a routine, back to sending my two kids off to two strangers that I hope will take care of them as I would. I always get a little emotional when school starts again. Both of my oldest, will be in full days, 5 days now. This is quite different than what I am used to. They are growing so fast, before I know it, all three will be in. I will however, enjoy this one on one time with my little man. Speaking of my little mind, he is going in for his second dental surgery next week. I am freaking out again. It will be a lot easier than last time, way less work, way less time sedated. But just putting him to sleep is so scary for me. I know its what has to be done, and its what's best, but I am so anxious! Say a prayer for him please <3 I will keep you all updated, as therapy starts. It's going to be a hard road, but I know I can do it!
This is the song I heard, that caused the tears. It isn't exactly relevant to my situation, but hit home. I want peace! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS6SzfF6p_g
Friday, June 6, 2014
Scared
I wrote awhile back, about having to let go of Brayden as he gets older. Losing that control over protecting him, being OK and at peace with not being able to keep him safe. I decided to ask Brayden recently about the back rubs that were taking place in class (see earlier post). I had asked him after I took care of it, to make sure it still wasn't happening, and it wasn't. But after I asked him this time, he answered that yes he had still been rubbing his teachers back after we had talked about this. After his teacher had been talked to about it, it still continued. Now I am just PISSED! I felt like I handled it calmly and appropriately last time, without any trouble for anyone. And the problem is still there!
I am scared, I am really scared. I have made sure I taught Brayden boundaries, as early as I think you really can. For years instilling in him, the things my parents just assumed we should know. Now with one adult coming into his life that he trusts, that tells him that this contact is OK, and the things I have showed him and taught him, are just gone. I don't want him to be me, I will do absolutely ANYTHING to protect him! No, I don't think his teacher was doing it with some ulterior motives or to "assault" my child. But it has clouded the boundaries I have set, and I am not OK with that. The good thing about it is, the school year is over, so he won't have to deal with it anymore. The bad thing about it is, this school is setting themselves up for a lawsuit and the children she has from now on, will be in the situation my child was in, this school year. It literally sickens me! To just go through life hoping they will be protected and safe and won't have to go through anything too life changing or tragic. How do I become OK with that? How do I just give it to God, and be at peace with that?
Suffering from PTSD, they say it can cause you to block stuff out and not remember certain things. A protection mechanism for your brain. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about having an eating disorder. I never did get treatment for my eating disorder. I was proud to be able to say, that it had been at least 12 years since I had purged or struggled with it. During this conversation, I started remember how much I actually did struggle when I was pregnant with Brayden. It was within two years of being so lost in my disorder, so I don't know why I am surprised. There were many times I had to stop myself from during the pregnancy. Remember I told you I am my own worst enemy? This situation is a prime example. I look in the mirror and my brain tells me "you're fat, you're gross." And at that time, I agreed with it. I looked in the mirror and saw fat and gross. It makes me feel so bad, that I contemplated throwing up my food, while I was with child :'( I have been beating myself up since I had this conversation.
It's hard for people who have never had an eating disorder, to understand how the brain works when you have one. That it isn't just something you can talk yourself into or out of. The programming of the brain, isn't what its like for someone without it. I want a new brain. One that loves me and is always healthy. One that knows when I look at a pic where I am 10 pounds heavier, it sees healthy, instead of fat. One that doesn't constantly beat myself up over so many things. That doesn't constantly make me feel unworthy and inferior.
One thing I am nervous about, is how many other things, if any, have I blocked out? What if when I start therapy, things are uncovered that I don't recall? Just the things I do recall are disturbing, I can't imagine if there are any things I don't recall.
Check out this song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZVQoWUY97s&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A&index=38
I am scared, I am really scared. I have made sure I taught Brayden boundaries, as early as I think you really can. For years instilling in him, the things my parents just assumed we should know. Now with one adult coming into his life that he trusts, that tells him that this contact is OK, and the things I have showed him and taught him, are just gone. I don't want him to be me, I will do absolutely ANYTHING to protect him! No, I don't think his teacher was doing it with some ulterior motives or to "assault" my child. But it has clouded the boundaries I have set, and I am not OK with that. The good thing about it is, the school year is over, so he won't have to deal with it anymore. The bad thing about it is, this school is setting themselves up for a lawsuit and the children she has from now on, will be in the situation my child was in, this school year. It literally sickens me! To just go through life hoping they will be protected and safe and won't have to go through anything too life changing or tragic. How do I become OK with that? How do I just give it to God, and be at peace with that?
Suffering from PTSD, they say it can cause you to block stuff out and not remember certain things. A protection mechanism for your brain. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about having an eating disorder. I never did get treatment for my eating disorder. I was proud to be able to say, that it had been at least 12 years since I had purged or struggled with it. During this conversation, I started remember how much I actually did struggle when I was pregnant with Brayden. It was within two years of being so lost in my disorder, so I don't know why I am surprised. There were many times I had to stop myself from during the pregnancy. Remember I told you I am my own worst enemy? This situation is a prime example. I look in the mirror and my brain tells me "you're fat, you're gross." And at that time, I agreed with it. I looked in the mirror and saw fat and gross. It makes me feel so bad, that I contemplated throwing up my food, while I was with child :'( I have been beating myself up since I had this conversation.
It's hard for people who have never had an eating disorder, to understand how the brain works when you have one. That it isn't just something you can talk yourself into or out of. The programming of the brain, isn't what its like for someone without it. I want a new brain. One that loves me and is always healthy. One that knows when I look at a pic where I am 10 pounds heavier, it sees healthy, instead of fat. One that doesn't constantly beat myself up over so many things. That doesn't constantly make me feel unworthy and inferior.
One thing I am nervous about, is how many other things, if any, have I blocked out? What if when I start therapy, things are uncovered that I don't recall? Just the things I do recall are disturbing, I can't imagine if there are any things I don't recall.
Check out this song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZVQoWUY97s&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A&index=38
Sunday, May 11, 2014
A Glimpse of the Sun Through the Clouds?
This first part, I was never planning on showing to anyone, or publishing. It was the first entry I have posted, that I didn't want shared, didn't want people to be in my brain. But I decided, I have come this far, revealed much worse, there is no point in holding back now.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
It feels like Day 785 that I have been in this house, going through the motions, never escaping my thoughts. It gets sooooo old. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of caring. I want to take all of the negative thoughts that are overwhelming my normal thought process, out, never to be put back. Why can't I be like them, and lack the empathy, lack the ability to love? I know I don't want to actually lack the ability to love, but I just want to be able to solely focus on the love I do have, that is and will continue to be a constant. I am down, my heart is heavy, and I am just sad. Then I start to think of all my wonderful blessings, and feel worse because I am so blessed, and still feeling this way. Hoping I can pull it together, and enjoy my day tomorrow with my family. Celebrate being a mom! I want to be able to wipe away all of the negative, leave all of the positive, and then I wont have anything to dwell on. I want to be able to let the feelings go, that go into no contact. My mom will never be my best friend, or my confidant. She will never be someone I can run to when I need to be reassured that everything is ok, that I am doing the right thing. I know its because of Mothers Day being tomorrow. Seeing everyone post about these amazing women (and don't get me wrong, I am glad that they do exist for others) and knowing that void will never be filled for me. No matter who loves me, who else in my life supports me, that emptiness will always be there. This is definitely the most down I have felt in awhile. No that doesn't mean I am suicidal, or I want to die. It just means I want to escape my own brain, my worst enemy at times. I want to escape feeling responsible, guilty, sad, hurt, and angry. Move on, just move on....
Sunday, May 11, 2014
As the day went on yesterday, I attempted to sort my thoughts. Sometime out of the house, a different perspective other than my own, a friend, and a mental shift. All things I definitely needed. I woke up this morning and was very emotional. Do I send her a text at least to acknowledge that she was as present as she could have mentally been? Am I hurting her feelings by not even acknowledging it? Here I am, still caring! I got on to Facebook and there was an outpouring of love on there. Love for me, love for all present mothers, love for mothers lost. I had friends, siblings, family of family, people who aren't even related to me wishing me a happy Mothers Day. Words of encouragement, empowerment, compliments, and love. I realized instead of focusing on what I am lacking, I am focusing on what I have. I am blessed with great friends, mother in law, soon to be step mom, aunts, cousins, sisters, mothers of friends. Not to mention all of the brothers, fathers, uncles and my husband. They all pride on helping me sort it out, building me up, being there for me. I need to embrace them and accept what I am not getting from the other people in my life. I can not change anyone but myself, no matter how much I want to, or think I can. And I need to be at peace with that. My family and my friends that are there with me, deserve my presence and attention, fully. I am going to do whatever it takes to get there. For me....for us.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
It feels like Day 785 that I have been in this house, going through the motions, never escaping my thoughts. It gets sooooo old. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of caring. I want to take all of the negative thoughts that are overwhelming my normal thought process, out, never to be put back. Why can't I be like them, and lack the empathy, lack the ability to love? I know I don't want to actually lack the ability to love, but I just want to be able to solely focus on the love I do have, that is and will continue to be a constant. I am down, my heart is heavy, and I am just sad. Then I start to think of all my wonderful blessings, and feel worse because I am so blessed, and still feeling this way. Hoping I can pull it together, and enjoy my day tomorrow with my family. Celebrate being a mom! I want to be able to wipe away all of the negative, leave all of the positive, and then I wont have anything to dwell on. I want to be able to let the feelings go, that go into no contact. My mom will never be my best friend, or my confidant. She will never be someone I can run to when I need to be reassured that everything is ok, that I am doing the right thing. I know its because of Mothers Day being tomorrow. Seeing everyone post about these amazing women (and don't get me wrong, I am glad that they do exist for others) and knowing that void will never be filled for me. No matter who loves me, who else in my life supports me, that emptiness will always be there. This is definitely the most down I have felt in awhile. No that doesn't mean I am suicidal, or I want to die. It just means I want to escape my own brain, my worst enemy at times. I want to escape feeling responsible, guilty, sad, hurt, and angry. Move on, just move on....
Sunday, May 11, 2014
As the day went on yesterday, I attempted to sort my thoughts. Sometime out of the house, a different perspective other than my own, a friend, and a mental shift. All things I definitely needed. I woke up this morning and was very emotional. Do I send her a text at least to acknowledge that she was as present as she could have mentally been? Am I hurting her feelings by not even acknowledging it? Here I am, still caring! I got on to Facebook and there was an outpouring of love on there. Love for me, love for all present mothers, love for mothers lost. I had friends, siblings, family of family, people who aren't even related to me wishing me a happy Mothers Day. Words of encouragement, empowerment, compliments, and love. I realized instead of focusing on what I am lacking, I am focusing on what I have. I am blessed with great friends, mother in law, soon to be step mom, aunts, cousins, sisters, mothers of friends. Not to mention all of the brothers, fathers, uncles and my husband. They all pride on helping me sort it out, building me up, being there for me. I need to embrace them and accept what I am not getting from the other people in my life. I can not change anyone but myself, no matter how much I want to, or think I can. And I need to be at peace with that. My family and my friends that are there with me, deserve my presence and attention, fully. I am going to do whatever it takes to get there. For me....for us.
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
All Else Aside
Let's say my mom (which is a SLIM chance of actually happening), finally will respect my boundaries and that she finally goes to therapy and respects the other two very simple requests I have asked. How do I forgive her for the things she has been accused of? How do I forgive the woman who saw my struggle with all of the things that came along with being sexually assaulted, then went and did it to her own child? I start doubting my decisions to cut her off from my kids, for something that doesn't have anything directly to do with them. Because I know how it feels to be cut off from someone, because of things that aren't directly related to me, and I don't want to be a hypocrite. But how do I ever look at the woman who gave life to me and raised me, the same, knowing details that I should NEVER have to have in my brain? Knowing she hurt and violated her child in the worst possible way. It literally SICKENS me!
I can't even trust her for 30 seconds alone with my kids. Why would I even want to? I just never thought I was going to have to protect them for her. I feel like I am betraying my brother for even THINKING about letting her around, even if she does therapy. I know what it is like to try and be honest about something that is humiliating and shameful, and having people treat you like you did something wrong! So my loyalty there is also a big thing. I don't ever want him to feel like I don't believe him, or that I don't have his back. Because that is definitely NOT the case!
People still talk shit to me and judge me for putting distance between my Mom and I. They are mostly the people who only know/knew my Mom's side of the story. And she is far from honest when it comes to her side of things. It's always all about how she is affected, how she is doing, and never taking responsibility for her actions. Someone that is like that, doesn't hear anything I have to say, unless its beneficial to them. They don't have the empathy, compassion, or nurturing qualities. So how can someone, who at this point believes her own lies and wont admit, get the help they need? They don't, until they are ready to do it for themselves. And I just don't see her wanting to face her demons.
I am anxious to hear what someone, who is a professional, but is also unbiased, has to say about all of this. Most of the people that discuss this with me or know about it, are close to our family, or close to me. So they all have seen there own things and have formed their own opinions. I just know that whatever they do have to say, is going to be hard and scary. My anxiety has been pretty well controlled and I haven't had a full blown panic attack since before I was pregnant with Brayden (9 years and counting :)) but I got a reminder this past weekend, of just how uncontrollable and how THERE it really is still. So I am nervous that throughout this therapy process, I am going to have to struggle with it again. But knowing I will share with all of you, helps! I want to take a quick second and thank those of you that have taken time to leave feedback or kind words to me in regards to my blog! It means a lot to me! <3 <3
I can't even trust her for 30 seconds alone with my kids. Why would I even want to? I just never thought I was going to have to protect them for her. I feel like I am betraying my brother for even THINKING about letting her around, even if she does therapy. I know what it is like to try and be honest about something that is humiliating and shameful, and having people treat you like you did something wrong! So my loyalty there is also a big thing. I don't ever want him to feel like I don't believe him, or that I don't have his back. Because that is definitely NOT the case!
People still talk shit to me and judge me for putting distance between my Mom and I. They are mostly the people who only know/knew my Mom's side of the story. And she is far from honest when it comes to her side of things. It's always all about how she is affected, how she is doing, and never taking responsibility for her actions. Someone that is like that, doesn't hear anything I have to say, unless its beneficial to them. They don't have the empathy, compassion, or nurturing qualities. So how can someone, who at this point believes her own lies and wont admit, get the help they need? They don't, until they are ready to do it for themselves. And I just don't see her wanting to face her demons.
I am anxious to hear what someone, who is a professional, but is also unbiased, has to say about all of this. Most of the people that discuss this with me or know about it, are close to our family, or close to me. So they all have seen there own things and have formed their own opinions. I just know that whatever they do have to say, is going to be hard and scary. My anxiety has been pretty well controlled and I haven't had a full blown panic attack since before I was pregnant with Brayden (9 years and counting :)) but I got a reminder this past weekend, of just how uncontrollable and how THERE it really is still. So I am nervous that throughout this therapy process, I am going to have to struggle with it again. But knowing I will share with all of you, helps! I want to take a quick second and thank those of you that have taken time to leave feedback or kind words to me in regards to my blog! It means a lot to me! <3 <3
Monday, May 5, 2014
Permanent
I have been in a funk since my Mom last made contact a couple weeks ago. She wanted to come down and visit again, after I refused to see her around Christmas time. I once again started the feeling guilty for not letting my kids see their grandma. Thinking maybe, just maybe, she could just respect the FEW simple boundaries I have set. Maybe she has realized the error of her ways after not seeing my kids for a year and a half, that she has to respect me and my wishes. But once again, it was right back to lying to me and about me, and making me feel guilty for things that weren't even relevant in our conversation. I am constantly going back and forth after awhile, hoping and wanting to give the benefit of the doubt. I can't get my heart and my mind on the same page, and sometimes its so frustrating. But with all of that being said, how do you just "give up" on someone. I am a firm believer in sticking by people and being there for them, even when things get bad. But in this particular case, that means that if I do that, I am the one that's going to suffer. I am the one that will be disrespected, invalidated, lied to, and put down by someone that shouldn't ever do it to me. And I struggle with knowing I am worth someone not doing those things, that I should get that without asking for it. I am the one who is trying to sort things out about myself BECAUSE of the way she has always treated me.
I just want to know if I will ever be able to just be at peace with my decision in regards to her. She continuously proves herself to me over and over, but yet my heart still forgets that and resorts to compassion and empathy. She will invalidate my kids and cross those same boundaries with them, and I don't want them having to sort through the issues she has caused them, like I am now. I can't just fully put myself first, because I am so concerned with what is best for my kids and worried, after everything, about my Mom's feelings. She never taught me what a boundary was, why we have them, or how to respect other people boundaries. I am going through a little bit of anger towards her right now. Maybe if she had shown me what a boundary was, I wouldn't have been as susceptible to being sexually assaulted? And after she knew I was, to just pretend it never happened, I think is what the most hurtful thing is. Seeing your daughter go to the bathroom after every meal, confining herself to her room, cutting, panic attacks, depression, meds, and still just carrying on with her life, without so much as a glance in my direction. It has taken growing up, becoming a mother, and becoming a wife, for me to see reality for what it is. To see that feelings aren't negotiable and mine are important and relevant.
I have said before about how new this "sharing your thoughts and emotions" thing for me is. Now don't get me wrong, I don't bottle EVERYTHING up. But the real painful, twisted, broken thoughts and feelings, are what is hard for me to share. I don't like people knowing how dark it is in my mind, at times. I don't like people to pity me and treat me like I am fragile. And I also don't like to share my feelings and thoughts, if it is going to directly effect someone else in any negative way. That's why I have always just dealt with on my own, and I especially lately, still feel like that's the way I prefer. I have done so well at it for this long, why not continue this way?
With my going back to therapy approaching, I am nervous and scared. I know there are a lot of things I am going to have to come to terms with in my relationship with my mom. Realizing that I may never have a relationship with her again, and how final that is. Also having to sort all of the things out since contact was made by my offender. All of these feelings that came flooding back out, have to be felt, figured out, and put back. Hopefully to stay forever, but I know that that is an unrealistic expectation. That's one thing that is so hard for me. People always tell me that what happened to me, will be with my forever. I thought I understood that, but since it has been "handled" for me for so long, and hasn't came out like it has recently, I didn't fully get HOW much it can still affect me. And the fact I have to acknowledge that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I hear that, I get so discouraged. I feel like I can try my best, go to therapy, be open about my feelings, and still just get knocked back on my ass at any moment. To start, not back at one again, but still BACK. That things out of my control, can trigger me into a downward spiral again. Its just so......permanent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s
I just want to know if I will ever be able to just be at peace with my decision in regards to her. She continuously proves herself to me over and over, but yet my heart still forgets that and resorts to compassion and empathy. She will invalidate my kids and cross those same boundaries with them, and I don't want them having to sort through the issues she has caused them, like I am now. I can't just fully put myself first, because I am so concerned with what is best for my kids and worried, after everything, about my Mom's feelings. She never taught me what a boundary was, why we have them, or how to respect other people boundaries. I am going through a little bit of anger towards her right now. Maybe if she had shown me what a boundary was, I wouldn't have been as susceptible to being sexually assaulted? And after she knew I was, to just pretend it never happened, I think is what the most hurtful thing is. Seeing your daughter go to the bathroom after every meal, confining herself to her room, cutting, panic attacks, depression, meds, and still just carrying on with her life, without so much as a glance in my direction. It has taken growing up, becoming a mother, and becoming a wife, for me to see reality for what it is. To see that feelings aren't negotiable and mine are important and relevant.
I have said before about how new this "sharing your thoughts and emotions" thing for me is. Now don't get me wrong, I don't bottle EVERYTHING up. But the real painful, twisted, broken thoughts and feelings, are what is hard for me to share. I don't like people knowing how dark it is in my mind, at times. I don't like people to pity me and treat me like I am fragile. And I also don't like to share my feelings and thoughts, if it is going to directly effect someone else in any negative way. That's why I have always just dealt with on my own, and I especially lately, still feel like that's the way I prefer. I have done so well at it for this long, why not continue this way?
With my going back to therapy approaching, I am nervous and scared. I know there are a lot of things I am going to have to come to terms with in my relationship with my mom. Realizing that I may never have a relationship with her again, and how final that is. Also having to sort all of the things out since contact was made by my offender. All of these feelings that came flooding back out, have to be felt, figured out, and put back. Hopefully to stay forever, but I know that that is an unrealistic expectation. That's one thing that is so hard for me. People always tell me that what happened to me, will be with my forever. I thought I understood that, but since it has been "handled" for me for so long, and hasn't came out like it has recently, I didn't fully get HOW much it can still affect me. And the fact I have to acknowledge that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I hear that, I get so discouraged. I feel like I can try my best, go to therapy, be open about my feelings, and still just get knocked back on my ass at any moment. To start, not back at one again, but still BACK. That things out of my control, can trigger me into a downward spiral again. Its just so......permanent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Carry On
Telling my husband and seeing him support me through all of the crazy drama that comes my way, made me fall in love with him even more. For someone who doesn't have experience in this area, he handled it just as I could have hoped he would. And a lot of the times that is not the case with people. I have been judged on so many things, many out of my control. Judged on being sexually assaulted, judged on telling the truth in that situation, judged when I would go throw up my food after a meal, judged for having a panic attack, judged for the actions of my mom, judged on how I react and handle my relationship with her, judged as a young and uneducated mother. That's one thing that caused me to always keep things in, and deal with them myself. Then nobody else has to be hurt, no more drama needs to happen. I just keep it deep, in the dark corners of my soul. Sacrificing my feelings internally, for the sake of others. Its hard sometimes, but for me its almost easier. It makes me realize that the petty arguments and annoyances, are nothing in the big scheme of things. I can't imagine marrying into a family that has as much dysfunction as mine does. It's not the ideal in-law situation. But he takes it all, never wavering. And for that, I am so thankful!
Since then, I have just taken it day by day. I feel much better than I did right after contact was made, but still not where I was before all of this happened. It is literally an internal struggle. It couldn't be any better described than exactly that. I do plan on starting therapy again. Not only for this matter but also all of the unprocessed emotions that are buried in regards to my mom. I am definitely nervous for this, but I know personally that burying it, is only going to result in it coming back up later. But one thing I have noticed, I can give advice without hesitating, but don't take my own advice when the situation arises. I talk about taking care of yourself and doing what's right for you, but then don't always do the same for myself. I am definitely one that needs to take my own advice, more often. Like I said before, I am a work in progress!
Sometimes I feel like I can't possibly be only 29 years old! The life experiences, I feel, make me feel like an old soul sometimes. People always tell me "God wont give you more than you can handle." Sometimes I wonder just why God thinks I am a bad ass :) Because I don't always feel that way! I have just come to realize, it's just how my life will be. I try not to play the victim. I try not to ask the why me? Why MY mom? Why my sister? Why my family? And instead of dwelling on it, I take what I am given, and continue on my path, trying with all of my might, to hold my head high!
Since then, I have just taken it day by day. I feel much better than I did right after contact was made, but still not where I was before all of this happened. It is literally an internal struggle. It couldn't be any better described than exactly that. I do plan on starting therapy again. Not only for this matter but also all of the unprocessed emotions that are buried in regards to my mom. I am definitely nervous for this, but I know personally that burying it, is only going to result in it coming back up later. But one thing I have noticed, I can give advice without hesitating, but don't take my own advice when the situation arises. I talk about taking care of yourself and doing what's right for you, but then don't always do the same for myself. I am definitely one that needs to take my own advice, more often. Like I said before, I am a work in progress!
Sometimes I feel like I can't possibly be only 29 years old! The life experiences, I feel, make me feel like an old soul sometimes. People always tell me "God wont give you more than you can handle." Sometimes I wonder just why God thinks I am a bad ass :) Because I don't always feel that way! I have just come to realize, it's just how my life will be. I try not to play the victim. I try not to ask the why me? Why MY mom? Why my sister? Why my family? And instead of dwelling on it, I take what I am given, and continue on my path, trying with all of my might, to hold my head high!
Monday, March 24, 2014
Now or Never
I couldn't bring myself to tell him that night. The next day, I decided I had to do it then, no matter how difficult. I stressed and worried all day about it. I waited until that night when the kids were asleep. I finally just blurted it out. Of course, my husband being the wonderful man he is, was great to me. He was very upset that this man even had the balls to contact me, and I don't blame him for that. He was very compassionate to my feelings. I told him I was feeling all of these things again. He just wanted to know what we needed to do, to get the situation under control again. I told him that I just wanted to wait it out, and hope that the feelings passed. I had had it under control for the most part, by the time my hubby and I had gotten together. So, he was never around to see me feel this way. I think it was new for both of us. I have never had anyone there for me, when I experienced this before. It was definitely a welcome change. The day I got the message, I reported the profile. Sexual offenders are not allowed on facebook, so his account was deleted.
I was still feeling all of the same feelings as the day before. I wasn't feeling any better. I started to get concerned that this was just going to be how it was. I had no desire to start from square one again. I honestly didn't think I had it in me, to conquer this again. It was a vicious cycle. I was upset because of why I was feeling that way, but was making myself feel worse because I was being so hard on myself. I thought about going to back therapy, but as much as that is beneficial, it is a process of reliving it all again, And I didn't know if I was ready for that.
I decided after about 5 days of feeling this way, it was time to talk to someone. Luckily, I have an aunt that has a ton of experience with this stuff. So, I decided to call her and start there. She already knew my background, and that always makes it easier. I didn't have to rehash all the prior stuff, just what was going on now. She helped me retrain my thoughts. She helped me see that it was normal to have the reaction I did. And to understand that it will always be with me and there will always be triggers. Although I hadn't had any major setback in YEARS, it doesn't mean that it is going to be that way forever. She helped me realize that I may have had a set back, but that I would never be back to square one. I have came too far and grown too much to be back at square one.
Where was the feisty redhead who doesn't put up with people's shit? After all it took to get me where I am, I wasn't going to let this man, AGAIN, make me put my walls back up. I wasn't going to shut down and keep it to myself. It was time to re-feel all of those feelings again, whether I wanted to or not. It was the only way to put it behind me, and be able to get back to the place I was before this.
I was still feeling all of the same feelings as the day before. I wasn't feeling any better. I started to get concerned that this was just going to be how it was. I had no desire to start from square one again. I honestly didn't think I had it in me, to conquer this again. It was a vicious cycle. I was upset because of why I was feeling that way, but was making myself feel worse because I was being so hard on myself. I thought about going to back therapy, but as much as that is beneficial, it is a process of reliving it all again, And I didn't know if I was ready for that.
I decided after about 5 days of feeling this way, it was time to talk to someone. Luckily, I have an aunt that has a ton of experience with this stuff. So, I decided to call her and start there. She already knew my background, and that always makes it easier. I didn't have to rehash all the prior stuff, just what was going on now. She helped me retrain my thoughts. She helped me see that it was normal to have the reaction I did. And to understand that it will always be with me and there will always be triggers. Although I hadn't had any major setback in YEARS, it doesn't mean that it is going to be that way forever. She helped me realize that I may have had a set back, but that I would never be back to square one. I have came too far and grown too much to be back at square one.
Where was the feisty redhead who doesn't put up with people's shit? After all it took to get me where I am, I wasn't going to let this man, AGAIN, make me put my walls back up. I wasn't going to shut down and keep it to myself. It was time to re-feel all of those feelings again, whether I wanted to or not. It was the only way to put it behind me, and be able to get back to the place I was before this.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Deja Vu
This January, marked 15 years since that fateful night, that completely turned my world upside down. I would say this year, I struggled more than usual. A few weeks prior to the anniversary, it was on my mind. Nothing too overwhelming or anything that I couldn't handle. My prior therapists have always said, that that time of year, would be harder for me. Even if I don't necessarily think about it or remember it, my subconscious does. That has rang true for me in the last 15 years, off and on. But it has been a few years, since I have even remembered that day, being that day. It usually sits quietly in my subconscious, not stirring up those emotions. I can talk about it openly, without feeling those feelings again. I prided myself on keeping it in check.
A few days before the date, I got a message on Facebook. This is a regular occurrence with business and by friends. But to my shock, it was the person who committed those crimes against me. I don't think it would have mattered what he said, my reaction was the same. I was taken back to the day I was 13 and this first all happened. A wave of all of the emotions I felt, came over me again. Self disgust, objectification, fear, anger, confusion, lack of control, paranoia, extreme anxiety, shame...you name it. I felt like the innocent girl again, instead of the woman who can take care of herself. The reaction I had, made me feel worse about the situation. Why was I so upset? Why were all of these feelings coming back to me, when I thought I had dealt with all of this? It all threw me for a loop, including my reaction. I had seen him at the clarification session since then, and didn't have this reaction. So why now, when I am not even in the same room as him? What do I do, where do I go from here?
While I knew that this will always be with me, I haven't had issues with it for a long time. So all of this was new to me, and to be honest, I didn't want to feel this way. Not for an hour, not for a day, and definitely not for a long period of time. After everything, the years, the tears, the therapy, the purging, the cutting, the wanting more than anything to stop the pain, the growing....one little thing and I am back to square one. It was extremely discouraging :( I didn't want to tell anyone, I didn't want to admit the feelings I had. I hoped that since this had just all happened, that tomorrow would be a new day. I knew I had to tell my husband, but I was dreading it. I didn't want to upset him or worry him, which I figured it would do both. It made me want to keep a secret again. Why does he always get the best of me? I knew I couldn't keep it from my hubby. I planned on telling him that night, but I just couldn't even bring myself to utter the words out loud to him. It was on the tip of my tongue so many times, and I still couldn't just say the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3Xr67jp1Fo&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A
A few days before the date, I got a message on Facebook. This is a regular occurrence with business and by friends. But to my shock, it was the person who committed those crimes against me. I don't think it would have mattered what he said, my reaction was the same. I was taken back to the day I was 13 and this first all happened. A wave of all of the emotions I felt, came over me again. Self disgust, objectification, fear, anger, confusion, lack of control, paranoia, extreme anxiety, shame...you name it. I felt like the innocent girl again, instead of the woman who can take care of herself. The reaction I had, made me feel worse about the situation. Why was I so upset? Why were all of these feelings coming back to me, when I thought I had dealt with all of this? It all threw me for a loop, including my reaction. I had seen him at the clarification session since then, and didn't have this reaction. So why now, when I am not even in the same room as him? What do I do, where do I go from here?
While I knew that this will always be with me, I haven't had issues with it for a long time. So all of this was new to me, and to be honest, I didn't want to feel this way. Not for an hour, not for a day, and definitely not for a long period of time. After everything, the years, the tears, the therapy, the purging, the cutting, the wanting more than anything to stop the pain, the growing....one little thing and I am back to square one. It was extremely discouraging :( I didn't want to tell anyone, I didn't want to admit the feelings I had. I hoped that since this had just all happened, that tomorrow would be a new day. I knew I had to tell my husband, but I was dreading it. I didn't want to upset him or worry him, which I figured it would do both. It made me want to keep a secret again. Why does he always get the best of me? I knew I couldn't keep it from my hubby. I planned on telling him that night, but I just couldn't even bring myself to utter the words out loud to him. It was on the tip of my tongue so many times, and I still couldn't just say the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3Xr67jp1Fo&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A
Monday, March 17, 2014
Overprotective?
So my 8 year old came home one day from school, and in our usual fashion we discussed his day. He told me all about his day, and included that he had given his teacher a back rub. This disturbed me immediately. I was scared and concerned! I asked him some more questions about other kids being there, and if she asked him to rub her back? I of course brought it up to my husband and knew that for my own sanity, I couldn't just let this slide. I don't want anyone teaching or telling my child it is OK to touch them that way. That is not their place, in my opinion.
The next day, he came home and said again, he got to pick a treasure from the treasure box, for giving his teacher a back rub. Now she is rewarding them for physical touch? Was this the start of my worst fear coming true, and my child having to endure what I did? We didn't know what the appropriate response was. I didn't want my problem with this to affect the way he was treated by his teacher, other members of the staff, and other students. He already has enough struggles!
Since I was a young mom, I have always felt that I have been looked at as just a "young mom". Which for some reason automatically means less smart, less qualified, and less competent. I still get looks now for having 3 kids. HELLO I AM ALMOST 30 and I AM MARRIED :) I have always been a person to study up and learn whatever I can about something. So when I became pregnant at 19, I started researching and reading everything I could about parenting and pregnancy. I am not saying that I know everything by any means, or that I don't need to continue to learn about these things. What I am saying is, give me the benefit of the doubt, before you automatically judge me as an uneducated person.
I had a conversation with the assistant principal, deciding that we thought this was best. Stating I was happy with every other aspect, but that I thought it was inappropriate for her to be allowing them to massage her and also rewarding him. It's basically going against the boundaries that we teach at home. And I didn't want her in trouble and I wasn't looking to make this public knowledge in the school, but that it needed to be handled. He was very cooperative and understanding. Since then, the massages have no longer been happening.
My first thought was, am I over reacting because of my past? Is this abnormal behavior in every ones mind? Turns out, most people I asked, agreed with me. The thought that as they get older, I lose more and more control of their surroundings, people they come in contact with, and the ability to protect them....terrifies me! I know there isn't anything I can do about it, and it is a part of life, but that doesn't make it any less scary or hard for me.
The next day, he came home and said again, he got to pick a treasure from the treasure box, for giving his teacher a back rub. Now she is rewarding them for physical touch? Was this the start of my worst fear coming true, and my child having to endure what I did? We didn't know what the appropriate response was. I didn't want my problem with this to affect the way he was treated by his teacher, other members of the staff, and other students. He already has enough struggles!
Since I was a young mom, I have always felt that I have been looked at as just a "young mom". Which for some reason automatically means less smart, less qualified, and less competent. I still get looks now for having 3 kids. HELLO I AM ALMOST 30 and I AM MARRIED :) I have always been a person to study up and learn whatever I can about something. So when I became pregnant at 19, I started researching and reading everything I could about parenting and pregnancy. I am not saying that I know everything by any means, or that I don't need to continue to learn about these things. What I am saying is, give me the benefit of the doubt, before you automatically judge me as an uneducated person.
I had a conversation with the assistant principal, deciding that we thought this was best. Stating I was happy with every other aspect, but that I thought it was inappropriate for her to be allowing them to massage her and also rewarding him. It's basically going against the boundaries that we teach at home. And I didn't want her in trouble and I wasn't looking to make this public knowledge in the school, but that it needed to be handled. He was very cooperative and understanding. Since then, the massages have no longer been happening.
My first thought was, am I over reacting because of my past? Is this abnormal behavior in every ones mind? Turns out, most people I asked, agreed with me. The thought that as they get older, I lose more and more control of their surroundings, people they come in contact with, and the ability to protect them....terrifies me! I know there isn't anything I can do about it, and it is a part of life, but that doesn't make it any less scary or hard for me.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Success, At Least In One Aspect
One of the biggest struggles last year, was the issue of what way to go in treating Brayden's ADD, I knew I didn't want to medicate anymore, so it was finding ways around it. I saw what the medication did first hand. While it did do its job, the side effects were not something I was comfortable with him having. After multiple different medication switches, I took him off all medications, after school got out for the summer, I had tried a natural solution to his allergies with doTERRA, and was pleasantly surprised that it worked! I knew that had developed a blend just for focus, so I was eager to test it out. I got it and tried it out and home, and once again noticed a difference. It was hard to tell if it was going to be enough once school started. He struggles with it at home some, but not like he does at school. But it makes it hard, because I wasn't around to notice if it was working enough for him. That's one thing that is hard for me, is relying on their feedback to make the best decisions for him.
I was extremely stressed at the beginning of the school year, wondering and praying that it was enough for him. I absolutely did NOT want to medicate him again, and honestly considered home schooling him if that was my only option. But I didn't really like that idea either. Before the school year started, I filled out all of the necessary paper work that the nurses' office needed. Once school started, the aide in the nurses' office, started making things difficult. Saying the oil I used on him, could get on another students hand and in their eye. And that the smell was going to be a problem for other kids. Instead of acknowledging and embracing a parent who was trying an alternative, NATURAL remedy, they want to try and find a problem with every aspect. They wouldn't let him reapply it to himself, so made him go down to the nurses' station after lunch to have it reapplied to him. One day she complained to me after saying she got it in her eye and it burned. Of course it did, it isn't made to go IN YOUR EYE! Brayden told me that day, that she was wearing gloves, so I am still not sure how she "got it in her eye." I finally started coming to school everyday after lunch, to apply it myself. Now he only needs the one application in the mornings and he does pretty well through the whole day :)
You have no idea, ok maybe some of you do, the relief I felt to have found an alternative that is natural and still does what he needs. I have never felt so thankful (ok maybe not NEVER)! I did cut out some of the things they recommend for any child, but specifically someone who has ADD. Certain food dyes, preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, etc. I didn't completely eliminate them, but did go through a lot of the stuff they do eat and eliminate it where I can. I was surprised to see that you don't specifically have to shop somewhere else to find alternatives. While they may not be fully natural, I have found alternative in regular grocery stores that have eliminated food dyes and artificial flavors.
I was extremely stressed at the beginning of the school year, wondering and praying that it was enough for him. I absolutely did NOT want to medicate him again, and honestly considered home schooling him if that was my only option. But I didn't really like that idea either. Before the school year started, I filled out all of the necessary paper work that the nurses' office needed. Once school started, the aide in the nurses' office, started making things difficult. Saying the oil I used on him, could get on another students hand and in their eye. And that the smell was going to be a problem for other kids. Instead of acknowledging and embracing a parent who was trying an alternative, NATURAL remedy, they want to try and find a problem with every aspect. They wouldn't let him reapply it to himself, so made him go down to the nurses' station after lunch to have it reapplied to him. One day she complained to me after saying she got it in her eye and it burned. Of course it did, it isn't made to go IN YOUR EYE! Brayden told me that day, that she was wearing gloves, so I am still not sure how she "got it in her eye." I finally started coming to school everyday after lunch, to apply it myself. Now he only needs the one application in the mornings and he does pretty well through the whole day :)
You have no idea, ok maybe some of you do, the relief I felt to have found an alternative that is natural and still does what he needs. I have never felt so thankful (ok maybe not NEVER)! I did cut out some of the things they recommend for any child, but specifically someone who has ADD. Certain food dyes, preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, etc. I didn't completely eliminate them, but did go through a lot of the stuff they do eat and eliminate it where I can. I was surprised to see that you don't specifically have to shop somewhere else to find alternatives. While they may not be fully natural, I have found alternative in regular grocery stores that have eliminated food dyes and artificial flavors.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Still Missing My Sister
I still miss my sister. I know that I didn't get the shoulder to cry on relationship, like I do have with my younger sister. But I still was close to her and we always had a good time together. Since she told me to never contact them, yet again, I have given her some space. However, about four months ago, I did text her again, in hopes of trying to work on things. She had the same things to say to me, as she has the last two years. She did tell me she would probably never forgive me for the things I said, I am still not sure what she means by that. I was not rude or mean, I did however tell it like it was without being any of those things. I apologized, when I didn't necessarily need to, willing to put my pride aside to fix it. But to her, it wasn't enough and didn't make any difference.
I am constantly questioning on what to do with that situation. In my opinion, family is everything, and you do no give up on them. But then the part of me that wants to protect my feelings says, prepare yourself for the rest of your life without having a relationship with your sister. Unfortunately I think the latter one, is the one that will ring true. She is blind to reality and the way she really is. She criticizes and judges people for the things she does also. She doesn't say the wrong that she is in and won't get help. Until she does those things, I know, that a relationship will never be successful.
I have heard from her two daughters a few times, when they sneak in a text to me. I have to admit, I love it, even though it is going against her wishes. I hate that they have to be secretive though, and I never ask them to contact me, because I don't want them to feel like they have to go against what they are told. But I NEVER tell them to not contact me! I hate the time I am missing out on in their lives! The most recent texts from them said that their parents were getting divorced. I was honestly a little surprised, they had issues for years, but I still didn't know if it would have ever came to that. I think it is best for everyone unfortunately and I hope they both find happiness. I consoled them the best I could, two states away. Evidently my sister found out they were talking to me and I haven't heard from them since :(
Things with my brother have been up and down the last nine months. He is finally at a great place now, working and wanting to better his future. I try to keep him motivated and be there for him. I just really hope he continues this way. Things did get worse, before they got better. He was in trouble with the law some more, in the hospital again, and struggling there for awhile. It was great to spend some time with him at Christmas. I have realized with this situation, that there is only so much I can do. I have a family of my own that is my priority and trying to push someone who didn't want helped, to let me help, was an uphill battle. As long as he lets me help him, I will. But there is only so much this one person can do, given all that. I can steer him in the right direction, but only he can choose his path!
I am constantly questioning on what to do with that situation. In my opinion, family is everything, and you do no give up on them. But then the part of me that wants to protect my feelings says, prepare yourself for the rest of your life without having a relationship with your sister. Unfortunately I think the latter one, is the one that will ring true. She is blind to reality and the way she really is. She criticizes and judges people for the things she does also. She doesn't say the wrong that she is in and won't get help. Until she does those things, I know, that a relationship will never be successful.
I have heard from her two daughters a few times, when they sneak in a text to me. I have to admit, I love it, even though it is going against her wishes. I hate that they have to be secretive though, and I never ask them to contact me, because I don't want them to feel like they have to go against what they are told. But I NEVER tell them to not contact me! I hate the time I am missing out on in their lives! The most recent texts from them said that their parents were getting divorced. I was honestly a little surprised, they had issues for years, but I still didn't know if it would have ever came to that. I think it is best for everyone unfortunately and I hope they both find happiness. I consoled them the best I could, two states away. Evidently my sister found out they were talking to me and I haven't heard from them since :(
Things with my brother have been up and down the last nine months. He is finally at a great place now, working and wanting to better his future. I try to keep him motivated and be there for him. I just really hope he continues this way. Things did get worse, before they got better. He was in trouble with the law some more, in the hospital again, and struggling there for awhile. It was great to spend some time with him at Christmas. I have realized with this situation, that there is only so much I can do. I have a family of my own that is my priority and trying to push someone who didn't want helped, to let me help, was an uphill battle. As long as he lets me help him, I will. But there is only so much this one person can do, given all that. I can steer him in the right direction, but only he can choose his path!
Sunday, March 9, 2014
I'm Back
I know I said I would be back, I wasn't planning on it taking nine months to do that :)! So much has happened, that I am once again unsure on where to start! I guess the case against my Mom, is the best place to start. After months and months of waiting and interviews, we were informed that the authorities did not have enough evidence to pursue charges against my Mom! I was torn about how to feel about that. A part of me was hoping that if they did press charges, maybe just maybe she would admit it finally, and give me the closure I needed, to move on from this situation. Also if she is guilty of the things she is accused, she deserves to be locked up for a VERY long time. Then the other part of me was glad she wasn't getting in trouble because of the fact she is my mother and straight up told me, she would not go to jail alive. So once again, I was torn both ways, and felt like I was never going to get my closure. I don't feel as stuck as I did then, when it comes to that subject. However, I don't know that I will ever fully get the closure I need, it may always be in limbo.
Before we found out that they were not going to pursue charges, my mom decided to hire her own person to administer a lie detector test. And since I can't trust her word, I had the man that administered it, send me results. The results said: she passed! Now that caught me off guard, but come to find out, people with mental illness or issues similar, can pass the tests. And some of them even believe themselves, the lies they tell, so therefore in their mind, it isn't a lie. So once again, nothing is settled in my mind. OK she passed, can't I just accept that as the reality? Nope, because I am still back to the fact that no 19 year old is going to make up those things, about his own mom. And when all the other signs are there of mental illness, what am I supposed to think?
I said I "cut ties" which means, I asked her to not contact me anymore. She has repeatedly crossed the line with me, after being asked MANY times not to. She continues to talk crap to me about my Dad's now fiancé. I have also asked her to get therapy, so she can see the way she is....how she treats us. But she wont, and even if she did go, she would never be honest, therefore, never get the help she needs. She wanted to see my sister and I when she was in the area, but I stayed strong and held my boundary. I can't trust that she wont bad mouth people to my kids, or lie to them to try and sway their opinion. I will not let her manipulate and invalidate my children, as she has me! I don't know where to go from here in my relationship with her. I have my boundaries and they are set, but she says she wants to try and fix things, but won't do the TWO things, I have asked of her. I cant trust that she is going to change her ways when it comes to my boundaries, because she has told me MANY times she would, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and she made me look like a fool again and again! My life without her, is way less stressful and a lot less drama. But I do have days where I struggle. Where I miss having a mom, whoever good or bad she was. Someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally and be there for you. Holidays are harder than most days, I think.
I have focused more on myself lately. It is still a challenge, but I am learning. I have learned that to be the mother, wife, sister, friend, that I want to be, I have to take care of me. That doesn't mean I am selfish, that just means I have made myself a priority. I always viewed worrying about myself or putting myself first, as selfish. My Mom was very selfish, and that's one of the things I never want to be. But there is a difference between making yourself a priority and being selfish, that's one thing I am working on. I feel way better as far as my self confidence goes. I had a serious period where I literally doubted every aspect of my life. I wasn't where I wanted to be. Now, I feel better about all that. I am still working to be a better wife and mom, but have realized I am only ONE person, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself and expect so much!
Before we found out that they were not going to pursue charges, my mom decided to hire her own person to administer a lie detector test. And since I can't trust her word, I had the man that administered it, send me results. The results said: she passed! Now that caught me off guard, but come to find out, people with mental illness or issues similar, can pass the tests. And some of them even believe themselves, the lies they tell, so therefore in their mind, it isn't a lie. So once again, nothing is settled in my mind. OK she passed, can't I just accept that as the reality? Nope, because I am still back to the fact that no 19 year old is going to make up those things, about his own mom. And when all the other signs are there of mental illness, what am I supposed to think?
I said I "cut ties" which means, I asked her to not contact me anymore. She has repeatedly crossed the line with me, after being asked MANY times not to. She continues to talk crap to me about my Dad's now fiancé. I have also asked her to get therapy, so she can see the way she is....how she treats us. But she wont, and even if she did go, she would never be honest, therefore, never get the help she needs. She wanted to see my sister and I when she was in the area, but I stayed strong and held my boundary. I can't trust that she wont bad mouth people to my kids, or lie to them to try and sway their opinion. I will not let her manipulate and invalidate my children, as she has me! I don't know where to go from here in my relationship with her. I have my boundaries and they are set, but she says she wants to try and fix things, but won't do the TWO things, I have asked of her. I cant trust that she is going to change her ways when it comes to my boundaries, because she has told me MANY times she would, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and she made me look like a fool again and again! My life without her, is way less stressful and a lot less drama. But I do have days where I struggle. Where I miss having a mom, whoever good or bad she was. Someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally and be there for you. Holidays are harder than most days, I think.
I have focused more on myself lately. It is still a challenge, but I am learning. I have learned that to be the mother, wife, sister, friend, that I want to be, I have to take care of me. That doesn't mean I am selfish, that just means I have made myself a priority. I always viewed worrying about myself or putting myself first, as selfish. My Mom was very selfish, and that's one of the things I never want to be. But there is a difference between making yourself a priority and being selfish, that's one thing I am working on. I feel way better as far as my self confidence goes. I had a serious period where I literally doubted every aspect of my life. I wasn't where I wanted to be. Now, I feel better about all that. I am still working to be a better wife and mom, but have realized I am only ONE person, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself and expect so much!
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