This January, marked 15 years since that fateful night, that completely turned my world upside down. I would say this year, I struggled more than usual. A few weeks prior to the anniversary, it was on my mind. Nothing too overwhelming or anything that I couldn't handle. My prior therapists have always said, that that time of year, would be harder for me. Even if I don't necessarily think about it or remember it, my subconscious does. That has rang true for me in the last 15 years, off and on. But it has been a few years, since I have even remembered that day, being that day. It usually sits quietly in my subconscious, not stirring up those emotions. I can talk about it openly, without feeling those feelings again. I prided myself on keeping it in check.
A few days before the date, I got a message on Facebook. This is a regular occurrence with business and by friends. But to my shock, it was the person who committed those crimes against me. I don't think it would have mattered what he said, my reaction was the same. I was taken back to the day I was 13 and this first all happened. A wave of all of the emotions I felt, came over me again. Self disgust, objectification, fear, anger, confusion, lack of control, paranoia, extreme anxiety, shame...you name it. I felt like the innocent girl again, instead of the woman who can take care of herself. The reaction I had, made me feel worse about the situation. Why was I so upset? Why were all of these feelings coming back to me, when I thought I had dealt with all of this? It all threw me for a loop, including my reaction. I had seen him at the clarification session since then, and didn't have this reaction. So why now, when I am not even in the same room as him? What do I do, where do I go from here?
While I knew that this will always be with me, I haven't had issues with it for a long time. So all of this was new to me, and to be honest, I didn't want to feel this way. Not for an hour, not for a day, and definitely not for a long period of time. After everything, the years, the tears, the therapy, the purging, the cutting, the wanting more than anything to stop the pain, the growing....one little thing and I am back to square one. It was extremely discouraging :( I didn't want to tell anyone, I didn't want to admit the feelings I had. I hoped that since this had just all happened, that tomorrow would be a new day. I knew I had to tell my husband, but I was dreading it. I didn't want to upset him or worry him, which I figured it would do both. It made me want to keep a secret again. Why does he always get the best of me? I knew I couldn't keep it from my hubby. I planned on telling him that night, but I just couldn't even bring myself to utter the words out loud to him. It was on the tip of my tongue so many times, and I still couldn't just say the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3Xr67jp1Fo&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A
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