Now or Never

  I couldn't bring myself to tell him that night.  The next day, I decided I had to do it then, no matter how difficult.  I stressed and worried all day about it.  I waited until that night when the kids were asleep.  I finally just blurted it out.  Of course, my husband being the wonderful man he is, was great to me.  He was very upset that this man even had the balls to contact me, and I don't blame him for that.  He was very compassionate to my feelings.  I told him I was feeling all of these things again.  He just wanted to know what we needed to do, to get the situation under control again.  I told him that I just wanted to wait it out, and hope that the feelings passed.  I had had it under control for the most part, by the time my hubby and I had gotten together.  So, he was never around to see me feel this way.  I think it was new for both of us.  I have never had anyone there for me, when I experienced this before.  It was definitely a welcome change.  The day I got the message, I reported the profile.  Sexual offenders are not allowed on facebook, so his account was deleted. 
  I was still feeling all of the same feelings as the day before.  I wasn't feeling any better.  I started to get concerned that this was just going to be how it was.  I had no desire to start from square one again.  I honestly didn't think I had it in me, to conquer this again.  It was a vicious cycle.  I was upset because of why I was feeling that way, but was making myself feel worse because I was being so hard on myself.  I thought about going to back therapy, but as much as that is beneficial, it is a process of reliving it all again,  And I didn't know if I was ready for that.
  I decided after about 5 days of feeling this way, it was time to talk to someone.  Luckily, I have an aunt that has a ton of experience with this stuff.  So, I decided to call her and start there.  She already knew my background, and that always makes it easier.  I didn't have to rehash all the prior stuff, just what was going on now.  She helped me retrain my thoughts.  She helped me see that it was normal to have the reaction I did.  And to understand that it will always be with me and there will always be triggers.  Although I hadn't had any major setback in YEARS, it doesn't mean that it is going to be that way forever.  She helped me realize that I may have had a set back, but that I would never be back to square one.  I have came too far and grown too much to be back at square one.
  Where was the feisty redhead who doesn't put up with people's shit?  After all it took to get me where I am, I wasn't going to let this man, AGAIN, make me put my walls back up.  I wasn't going to shut down and keep it to myself.  It was time to re-feel all of those feelings again, whether I wanted to or not.  It was the only way to put it behind me, and be able to get back to the place I was before this.