Carry On

  Telling my husband and seeing him support me through all of the crazy drama that comes my way, made me fall in love with him even more.  For someone who doesn't have experience in this area, he handled it just as I could have hoped he would.  And a lot of the times that is not the case with people.  I have been judged on so many things, many out of my control.  Judged on being sexually assaulted, judged on telling the truth in that situation, judged when I would go throw up my food after a meal, judged for having a panic attack, judged for the actions of my mom, judged on how I react and handle my relationship with her, judged as a young and uneducated mother.  That's one thing that caused me to always keep things in, and deal with them myself.  Then nobody else has to be hurt, no more drama needs to happen.  I just keep it deep, in the dark corners of my soul.  Sacrificing my feelings internally, for the sake of others.  Its hard sometimes, but for me its almost easier.  It makes me realize that the petty arguments and annoyances, are nothing in the big scheme of things.  I can't imagine marrying into a family that has as much dysfunction as mine does.  It's not the ideal in-law situation.  But he takes it all, never wavering.  And for that, I am so thankful!
  Since then, I have just taken it day by day.  I feel much better than I did right after contact was made, but still not where I was before all of this happened.  It is literally an internal struggle.  It couldn't be any better described than exactly that.  I do plan on starting therapy again.  Not only for this matter but also all of the unprocessed emotions that are buried in regards to my mom.  I am definitely nervous for this, but I know personally that burying it, is only going to result in it coming back up later.  But one thing I have noticed, I can give advice without hesitating, but don't take my own advice when the situation arises.  I talk about taking care of yourself and doing what's right for you, but then don't always do the same for myself.  I am definitely one that needs to take my own advice, more often.  Like I said before, I am a work in progress!
  Sometimes I feel like I can't possibly be only 29 years old!  The life experiences, I feel, make me feel like an old soul sometimes.  People always tell me "God wont give you more than you can handle."  Sometimes I wonder just why God thinks I am a bad ass :)  Because I don't always feel that way!  I have just come to realize, it's just how my life will be.  I try not to play the victim.  I try not to ask the why me?  Why MY mom?  Why my sister?  Why my family?  And instead of dwelling on it, I take what I am given, and continue on my path, trying with all of my might, to hold my head high!