I have been in a funk since my Mom last made contact a couple weeks ago. She wanted to come down and visit again, after I refused to see her around Christmas time. I once again started the feeling guilty for not letting my kids see their grandma. Thinking maybe, just maybe, she could just respect the FEW simple boundaries I have set. Maybe she has realized the error of her ways after not seeing my kids for a year and a half, that she has to respect me and my wishes. But once again, it was right back to lying to me and about me, and making me feel guilty for things that weren't even relevant in our conversation. I am constantly going back and forth after awhile, hoping and wanting to give the benefit of the doubt. I can't get my heart and my mind on the same page, and sometimes its so frustrating. But with all of that being said, how do you just "give up" on someone. I am a firm believer in sticking by people and being there for them, even when things get bad. But in this particular case, that means that if I do that, I am the one that's going to suffer. I am the one that will be disrespected, invalidated, lied to, and put down by someone that shouldn't ever do it to me. And I struggle with knowing I am worth someone not doing those things, that I should get that without asking for it. I am the one who is trying to sort things out about myself BECAUSE of the way she has always treated me.
I just want to know if I will ever be able to just be at peace with my decision in regards to her. She continuously proves herself to me over and over, but yet my heart still forgets that and resorts to compassion and empathy. She will invalidate my kids and cross those same boundaries with them, and I don't want them having to sort through the issues she has caused them, like I am now. I can't just fully put myself first, because I am so concerned with what is best for my kids and worried, after everything, about my Mom's feelings. She never taught me what a boundary was, why we have them, or how to respect other people boundaries. I am going through a little bit of anger towards her right now. Maybe if she had shown me what a boundary was, I wouldn't have been as susceptible to being sexually assaulted? And after she knew I was, to just pretend it never happened, I think is what the most hurtful thing is. Seeing your daughter go to the bathroom after every meal, confining herself to her room, cutting, panic attacks, depression, meds, and still just carrying on with her life, without so much as a glance in my direction. It has taken growing up, becoming a mother, and becoming a wife, for me to see reality for what it is. To see that feelings aren't negotiable and mine are important and relevant.
I have said before about how new this "sharing your thoughts and emotions" thing for me is. Now don't get me wrong, I don't bottle EVERYTHING up. But the real painful, twisted, broken thoughts and feelings, are what is hard for me to share. I don't like people knowing how dark it is in my mind, at times. I don't like people to pity me and treat me like I am fragile. And I also don't like to share my feelings and thoughts, if it is going to directly effect someone else in any negative way. That's why I have always just dealt with on my own, and I especially lately, still feel like that's the way I prefer. I have done so well at it for this long, why not continue this way?
With my going back to therapy approaching, I am nervous and scared. I know there are a lot of things I am going to have to come to terms with in my relationship with my mom. Realizing that I may never have a relationship with her again, and how final that is. Also having to sort all of the things out since contact was made by my offender. All of these feelings that came flooding back out, have to be felt, figured out, and put back. Hopefully to stay forever, but I know that that is an unrealistic expectation. That's one thing that is so hard for me. People always tell me that what happened to me, will be with my forever. I thought I understood that, but since it has been "handled" for me for so long, and hasn't came out like it has recently, I didn't fully get HOW much it can still affect me. And the fact I have to acknowledge that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I hear that, I get so discouraged. I feel like I can try my best, go to therapy, be open about my feelings, and still just get knocked back on my ass at any moment. To start, not back at one again, but still BACK. That things out of my control, can trigger me into a downward spiral again. Its just so......permanent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s
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