This first part, I was never planning on showing to anyone, or publishing. It was the first entry I have posted, that I didn't want shared, didn't want people to be in my brain. But I decided, I have come this far, revealed much worse, there is no point in holding back now.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
It feels like Day 785 that I have been in this house, going through the motions, never escaping my thoughts. It gets sooooo old. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of caring. I want to take all of the negative thoughts that are overwhelming my normal thought process, out, never to be put back. Why can't I be like them, and lack the empathy, lack the ability to love? I know I don't want to actually lack the ability to love, but I just want to be able to solely focus on the love I do have, that is and will continue to be a constant. I am down, my heart is heavy, and I am just sad. Then I start to think of all my wonderful blessings, and feel worse because I am so blessed, and still feeling this way. Hoping I can pull it together, and enjoy my day tomorrow with my family. Celebrate being a mom! I want to be able to wipe away all of the negative, leave all of the positive, and then I wont have anything to dwell on. I want to be able to let the feelings go, that go into no contact. My mom will never be my best friend, or my confidant. She will never be someone I can run to when I need to be reassured that everything is ok, that I am doing the right thing. I know its because of Mothers Day being tomorrow. Seeing everyone post about these amazing women (and don't get me wrong, I am glad that they do exist for others) and knowing that void will never be filled for me. No matter who loves me, who else in my life supports me, that emptiness will always be there. This is definitely the most down I have felt in awhile. No that doesn't mean I am suicidal, or I want to die. It just means I want to escape my own brain, my worst enemy at times. I want to escape feeling responsible, guilty, sad, hurt, and angry. Move on, just move on....
Sunday, May 11, 2014
As the day went on yesterday, I attempted to sort my thoughts. Sometime out of the house, a different perspective other than my own, a friend, and a mental shift. All things I definitely needed. I woke up this morning and was very emotional. Do I send her a text at least to acknowledge that she was as present as she could have mentally been? Am I hurting her feelings by not even acknowledging it? Here I am, still caring! I got on to Facebook and there was an outpouring of love on there. Love for me, love for all present mothers, love for mothers lost. I had friends, siblings, family of family, people who aren't even related to me wishing me a happy Mothers Day. Words of encouragement, empowerment, compliments, and love. I realized instead of focusing on what I am lacking, I am focusing on what I have. I am blessed with great friends, mother in law, soon to be step mom, aunts, cousins, sisters, mothers of friends. Not to mention all of the brothers, fathers, uncles and my husband. They all pride on helping me sort it out, building me up, being there for me. I need to embrace them and accept what I am not getting from the other people in my life. I can not change anyone but myself, no matter how much I want to, or think I can. And I need to be at peace with that. My family and my friends that are there with me, deserve my presence and attention, fully. I am going to do whatever it takes to get there. For me....for us.
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