I wrote awhile back, about having to let go of Brayden as he gets older. Losing that control over protecting him, being OK and at peace with not being able to keep him safe. I decided to ask Brayden recently about the back rubs that were taking place in class (see earlier post). I had asked him after I took care of it, to make sure it still wasn't happening, and it wasn't. But after I asked him this time, he answered that yes he had still been rubbing his teachers back after we had talked about this. After his teacher had been talked to about it, it still continued. Now I am just PISSED! I felt like I handled it calmly and appropriately last time, without any trouble for anyone. And the problem is still there!
I am scared, I am really scared. I have made sure I taught Brayden boundaries, as early as I think you really can. For years instilling in him, the things my parents just assumed we should know. Now with one adult coming into his life that he trusts, that tells him that this contact is OK, and the things I have showed him and taught him, are just gone. I don't want him to be me, I will do absolutely ANYTHING to protect him! No, I don't think his teacher was doing it with some ulterior motives or to "assault" my child. But it has clouded the boundaries I have set, and I am not OK with that. The good thing about it is, the school year is over, so he won't have to deal with it anymore. The bad thing about it is, this school is setting themselves up for a lawsuit and the children she has from now on, will be in the situation my child was in, this school year. It literally sickens me! To just go through life hoping they will be protected and safe and won't have to go through anything too life changing or tragic. How do I become OK with that? How do I just give it to God, and be at peace with that?
Suffering from PTSD, they say it can cause you to block stuff out and not remember certain things. A protection mechanism for your brain. I was having a conversation with a friend the other day about having an eating disorder. I never did get treatment for my eating disorder. I was proud to be able to say, that it had been at least 12 years since I had purged or struggled with it. During this conversation, I started remember how much I actually did struggle when I was pregnant with Brayden. It was within two years of being so lost in my disorder, so I don't know why I am surprised. There were many times I had to stop myself from during the pregnancy. Remember I told you I am my own worst enemy? This situation is a prime example. I look in the mirror and my brain tells me "you're fat, you're gross." And at that time, I agreed with it. I looked in the mirror and saw fat and gross. It makes me feel so bad, that I contemplated throwing up my food, while I was with child :'( I have been beating myself up since I had this conversation.
It's hard for people who have never had an eating disorder, to understand how the brain works when you have one. That it isn't just something you can talk yourself into or out of. The programming of the brain, isn't what its like for someone without it. I want a new brain. One that loves me and is always healthy. One that knows when I look at a pic where I am 10 pounds heavier, it sees healthy, instead of fat. One that doesn't constantly beat myself up over so many things. That doesn't constantly make me feel unworthy and inferior.
One thing I am nervous about, is how many other things, if any, have I blocked out? What if when I start therapy, things are uncovered that I don't recall? Just the things I do recall are disturbing, I can't imagine if there are any things I don't recall.
Check out this song!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZVQoWUY97s&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A&index=38
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