Let's say my mom (which is a SLIM chance of actually happening), finally will respect my boundaries and that she finally goes to therapy and respects the other two very simple requests I have asked. How do I forgive her for the things she has been accused of? How do I forgive the woman who saw my struggle with all of the things that came along with being sexually assaulted, then went and did it to her own child? I start doubting my decisions to cut her off from my kids, for something that doesn't have anything directly to do with them. Because I know how it feels to be cut off from someone, because of things that aren't directly related to me, and I don't want to be a hypocrite. But how do I ever look at the woman who gave life to me and raised me, the same, knowing details that I should NEVER have to have in my brain? Knowing she hurt and violated her child in the worst possible way. It literally SICKENS me!
I can't even trust her for 30 seconds alone with my kids. Why would I even want to? I just never thought I was going to have to protect them for her. I feel like I am betraying my brother for even THINKING about letting her around, even if she does therapy. I know what it is like to try and be honest about something that is humiliating and shameful, and having people treat you like you did something wrong! So my loyalty there is also a big thing. I don't ever want him to feel like I don't believe him, or that I don't have his back. Because that is definitely NOT the case!
People still talk shit to me and judge me for putting distance between my Mom and I. They are mostly the people who only know/knew my Mom's side of the story. And she is far from honest when it comes to her side of things. It's always all about how she is affected, how she is doing, and never taking responsibility for her actions. Someone that is like that, doesn't hear anything I have to say, unless its beneficial to them. They don't have the empathy, compassion, or nurturing qualities. So how can someone, who at this point believes her own lies and wont admit, get the help they need? They don't, until they are ready to do it for themselves. And I just don't see her wanting to face her demons.
I am anxious to hear what someone, who is a professional, but is also unbiased, has to say about all of this. Most of the people that discuss this with me or know about it, are close to our family, or close to me. So they all have seen there own things and have formed their own opinions. I just know that whatever they do have to say, is going to be hard and scary. My anxiety has been pretty well controlled and I haven't had a full blown panic attack since before I was pregnant with Brayden (9 years and counting :)) but I got a reminder this past weekend, of just how uncontrollable and how THERE it really is still. So I am nervous that throughout this therapy process, I am going to have to struggle with it again. But knowing I will share with all of you, helps! I want to take a quick second and thank those of you that have taken time to leave feedback or kind words to me in regards to my blog! It means a lot to me! <3 <3
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