So I was asked to make a video as an advocate for sexual assault/abuse, I decided it was definitely something I wanted to do! While sharing my story has been a freeing experience for me, the whole reason I wanted to, was because I wanted to try and help others. Others that had been in a similar situation, others suffering from depression and anxiety for other reasons, others that feel like what they feel now is permanent. I had a great response to it and hope that it did inspire and help others! The day I posted the video(after I worked out the glitches) ended with me having what is called a "flashback." Flashbacks are common with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but all of the ones I have had, have all been of things I remember happening. This time it was different, I had no remembrance of the few things I saw. It was only a piece of this puzzle. I just assumed I was maybe recalling a nightmare I had had, since I thought for sure what I saw, was not something that happened to me.
I couldn't kick the feelings that came with this flashback. I decided to text one of my besties who has been by my side since I was 10. Before I could give her any details as to what I saw, she already knew. She said that I had told her about it years ago, she knew what I saw in my flashback. At the moment I realized that it was reality, not a flashback. The small piece I saw, really had happened :( It was so traumatizing for me, I had so many questions! How could I forget something SO important? Is that even possible? The whole time I was nervous about going back to therapy, but because I thought maybe there was something suppressed that I didn't know about. But I thought it would be in regards to the sexual assault I have already dealt with, not something completely new and forgotten.
What I remembered, in some ways, was worse than anything that happened to me at 13. Since the original offender contacted me in January, and I had my first major setback with anxiety and depression, I have been on a thin line between depression and not. As soon as I remembered this and it was believed true, I instantly slid all the way back down the slide into depression. Although depression as a teen and now is so much different. I have a strong foundation around me, supporting me this time. And I have been trying to not keep it to myself and be honest with how I am feeling and thinking. Even though I don't remember this happening, I feel like it isn't fresh for me. Like my subconscious somehow knows it was a long time ago, although not dealt with. I also feel like my coping skills are so much better!
After recalling this, I was so scared to start therapy. I don't want to have to go in and relive all this, uncover all the details that are locked away so I can process it, feel it, and move on. But I knew, it was something I had to do. So I looked into all of the psychologists in my area that accept my insurance, and called my insurance to find out what benefits I have. Turns out, my health insurance plan has NO mental health coverage. So we have hit a road block there as of now.
So how exactly did this all make me feel? It brought up old feelings of self loathing, disgust, hopelessness. Fear of the unknown, sadness, anger, shame, and anxiety. I felt extremely discouraged. It had taken my years to get over all of this before. SO many tears, cuts, lonely thoughts and now I am back at the beginning again? I didn't want to start over again, I didn't want to be back at square one. Yes I may be depressed. But I am not suicidal, I will never self harm again and I have no thoughts towards my weight. So not struggling with all of those things, is a change also!
Here is my video, if you missed it before! Feel free to share! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3Yxje75Rkg
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