Setback

Well I didn't start therapy last week.  In the middle of insurance change, so I had to reschedule.  The soonest she could get me in, is January 6th.  I'm bummed that I am back to waiting.  It's going to be hard to deal with it, but I need to just get on with it.  I want to be better, I want the tools I need right now.  My supplements ran out, and I won't have a chance to get more until maybe a week.  So just going at it alone right now. 
  I am having a tough time.  I'm back to second guessing everyone and feeling like in the end, all I have is myself.  I can say the same things until I am blue in the face, so what's the point?  I can say that it hurts me to feel like people don't know how to approach me about the subject, so they just don't.  It hurts, and I know I have said this before, but I don't feel like I should have to ask for some of these things.  I want people to understand me, to understand their loved ones dealing with depression and anxiety.  I don't get why people wouldn't take the opportunity to gain knowledge about it, learn how to be there the best you can for yourself or the ones you love, that are dealing with it.  So just staying in the dark and avoiding the subject, that's going to help?  In fact, that's a sure way to earn resentment from the depressed party.  I don't want to feel like this towards people, its not me!
  I know people try, they see me smiling and feeling better, they assume things are good.  Or they don't want to bring me down by bringing it up.  It is always on my mind, and it doesn't hurt me anymore to talk about it, then it does to live with it, in my brain, everyday.  What does hurt me is people just assuming I am ok, and not asking.  To move on, you have to face the feelings head on and learn to cope with it, instead of suppressing it.  You have to talk about it.  You have to be validated, this is one of the most important things! I'm sick of worrying about hurting or worrying others by being honest.  I'm sick of worrying about people judging me, for being honest.  I am done editing myself.  This is me, all of me.  Flaws and all.  But I know who I am, and what I bring, whether I am struggling or not!  I am worth people asking if I am ok, asking what they can do!  I am worth people reading up because they don't know how to act or what to or not to say.  We all get busy, I get it.  But if its important to you, you MAKE TIME! PERIOD!  Maybe I should just try and stop having any expectations.  Then, in theory, wont be let down.
  Depression is such a roller coaster sometimes.  I get sick of the lack of control.  I'm a control freak, so this doesn't work well with me.  I just want to be in control again!