Make It Stop

It hurts so deep.  I am so down.  I am shutting down.  I honestly feel like my kids would be better off without me.  They would be better with someone that doesn't have all of this other shit distracting them.  Someone that can give themselves fully, patiently, give them what they need.  Same for my hubby.  He deserves someone that doesn't shut down on him, that can love him fully the way he needs to be.  That can validate him.  Can God just take a pencil and erase me?  So that nobody knows any better, like I never existed.  I can not live my life, if its constantly going to be this part of me that is missing, this part of me that hurts.  Nor do I want to.
                                                                              


I should have just let the first person that sexually abused me the first time, have sex with me.  Someone else was just going to come along and take me anyways.  I feel so expendable.  I didn't serve my purpose for my mom and sister anymore, so I was discarded like a piece of trash.  I see a pattern of people just using me for what they need, then when they don't need me anymore, oh well no big loss to them.  I try my best to be open and honest, but as the days progress, it gets increasingly harder.  I worry that soon (since I have already shut out most people)  I will shut out those few that I am still open with.  I don't want to stress others out by sharing my issues.  I don't want to make people feel like they cant say what they think or that they have to walk on egg shells and constantly watch what they say.  I don't have a mom to run to, to hug me and reassure me that everything is going to be ok.  To tell me that its not me, to tell me its ok to feel this way, to hear them say that they will help me every step of the way.
                                                                              


Sometimes I turn on music and just sit and write and sob.  The pain bleeds out as I type.  I just want out of my head sometimes.  One of the scariest parts is, I don't have all of the pieces to the puzzle yet.  So that means that most likely it is going to get worse before it gets better.  I know I cant live like this forever, but that thought is scary!