I'm back to trying to figure everything out, what I should try next. There is just so much up in the air! I have already opened the therapy door, and dug up all of these old emotions, so until I get through these EMDR sessions, I'm going to be knee deep in all of these emotions. The new therapist I wanted to try isn't accepting new patients, so now I'm researching different ones. Getting in and doing that is going to be one of the only things that help me re-process this, and move forward. Until that's complete, I cant expect to "get better". Do I like being stuck here, no. Do I wanna feel it all again, no. And contrary to popular belief, I don't disclose everything that is contributing to being stuck and why I am feeling this way, out of respect for the other people in my life.
This will be my last blog entry. I feel like I am over being so honest, putting all my emotions out there for all to see and judge. I don't know who reads this because they genuinely care, or who wants to be nosy and gossip. This outlet has been a crazy experience for me. It required me to be brutally honest, which helped me have some closure in some aspects, but has also caused me anxiety and stress because I don't know what people think when they read it.
I hope that my honesty helped save one person, a child from being abused, helped someone get through a tough day or was relatable to anyone, because that's all I wanted! All of you helped me get through a tough time by taking time to read my story! Thank you! Until I see you again :)
Nikki Tracy-SURVIVOR!!
Friday, May 1, 2015
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Every time
I still am not back to where I was before I started the medication. I went through the worst of the physical symptoms (which is comparable to heroin withdrawals) and then the emotional side kicked in! I still get dizziness and my emotions are all over, but I think the worst of it is over. I am so discouraged by all of this! I keep trying and trying to move on, get through it all. I get a game plan and have hope that this is what will help....then it fails miserably! What if I never feel the same again? What if no matter what I do and try, there is no escaping that I am a sexual abuse survivor? I am diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression, as a result. That isn't ever going to change, no matter what I do. I will always struggle in relationships and setting boundaries, I will always have triggers, I will always have the coping mechanisms that are miss-programmed and kick in and take over. I will always look like I don't care, when in all reality, I am so overwhelmed that I have lost the ability to function properly.
With ALL of that, its no wonder why we can't help feel like we should be alone! We don't disclose things to people because we don't want to be a burden, we don't want to stress you out and worry you. I don't want to drag anyone into the darkness and I don't like bringing others down. I feel like everywhere I turn, everything is a direct result to me.
I felt like a burden as a child. Nobody else's child was the one having panic attacks that required hospitalization all the while, being told it was in my head. Being told I shouldn't have gotten in the car with HIM! Don't you know I think about that EVERY TIME I am thinking of the situation? Don't you think I hated being so out of control, I couldn't stop the panic attacks? From that time on, my mind said...you aren't worth your parents understanding what you went through. It said you are a burden! You aren't worth any member of your family asking if you are OK. Then the fall out with my mom. I felt like I wasn't worth the ONE thing I asked her to do. After everything she had done to me, said to me, lied about me, and been accused of....I asked for ONE thing and she refused to do it. I wasn't worth it to her, again. My own Mom, the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, cant even! That's gotta mean its me, right? What about when my sister so easily said she wants nothing to do with me and hasn't looked back in over 2 years?
With ALL of that, its no wonder why we can't help feel like we should be alone! We don't disclose things to people because we don't want to be a burden, we don't want to stress you out and worry you. I don't want to drag anyone into the darkness and I don't like bringing others down. I feel like everywhere I turn, everything is a direct result to me.
I felt like a burden as a child. Nobody else's child was the one having panic attacks that required hospitalization all the while, being told it was in my head. Being told I shouldn't have gotten in the car with HIM! Don't you know I think about that EVERY TIME I am thinking of the situation? Don't you think I hated being so out of control, I couldn't stop the panic attacks? From that time on, my mind said...you aren't worth your parents understanding what you went through. It said you are a burden! You aren't worth any member of your family asking if you are OK. Then the fall out with my mom. I felt like I wasn't worth the ONE thing I asked her to do. After everything she had done to me, said to me, lied about me, and been accused of....I asked for ONE thing and she refused to do it. I wasn't worth it to her, again. My own Mom, the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, cant even! That's gotta mean its me, right? What about when my sister so easily said she wants nothing to do with me and hasn't looked back in over 2 years?
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Black Box Warning
Well, I decided to give anti-depressants a try. The feelings of sadness, anger, irritability, were no longer something I wanted to deal with anymore. I think people don't realize how much of depression can be made up of anger. It's not just that people want to die or are always sad. I didn't want to die, that was not the reason I chose to try the medication. Medication for me, was a last resort. It was a huge decision for me and I fought it for weeks before I finally took one. I cried and cried when I took it, it felt like I was admitting defeat. After 14 years of not needing medication, and priding myself on that, I was medicating again.
The first day or so, no real change. By day three I noticed I was starting to lost the ability to feel any emotion. While that was kinda nice in some aspects, I was starting to not even be able to smile or laugh. Like I have said before, just because I am depressed, doesn't mean I cant laugh, smile, joke, or feel happy. So this was scary and new, although a common side effect of anti depressants. I was very cautious about what medicine to choose. I went with the last anti-depressants I was on at 16, because I had taken that with success before, although the withdrawal process was hard. This category of anti-depressants is supposed to have less side effects. But the one I chose, is one of the worst ones for withdrawals. And all anti depressants have a black box warning. The black box warning states that during the initial treatment phase (1 to 2 months), some users will have increased suicidal thoughts and behaviors. So you're telling me it can do the exact opposite of what I want it to do? It was the scariest thing to me about starting the medication! What if I lost all sense of reality and ended up doing something I could never take back? At least when I am not medicated, my rationality and healthy thinking are still there, just sometimes quieted!
Day 4 of the medication, I was feeling even more numb, felt like I was in a cloud and just going through the motions. Day 5 I felt the same as the day prior. Then I just got extremely depressed and started rationalizing things. Things like everyone would be OK without me in their life, and that my kids would be better with someone else as their mom. I was still aware enough to see that all of this is happening, that I am getting worse and the thing I was most scared about happening, was happening. I was too scared to continue after that day, what if one more pill, caused me to lose what rational thinking was still there? It just wasn't worth it. I knew the risk of severe withdrawals from stopping an anti-depressants cold turkey. But usually that's if you have been on it long enough for it to do what its designed. Since I had only been on it for 5 days, I thought it would be fine. Boy was I wrong! First two days I felt ok, then it hit me like a brick wall. Hot flashes, dizziness so severe it caused repeated vomiting, fatigue, hot flashes, brain zaps, mood swings. I wanted to die! My doctor told me to go in to urgent care for an IV. Of course urgent care was closed, so we had to go to the ER.
They got me to a room quickly and got me on the monitors. They gave me an IV and took my blood. Also gave me something to help the nausea subside and another for the dizziness, which is what was triggering the nausea and vomiting. They had me do some strength tests to eliminate the possibility of a brain problem. Then we just waited for the tests to come back and to get enough fluids in me to pee, so they could eliminate the last few things with that.
Everything came back normal! Doctor said it was withdrawals from the medication and that with that particular medication, symptoms can last for quite a long time. He gave me a prescription for the nausea and dizziness meds. Also said if I get to the point again that I get dehydrated, I will need to come back in for IV again.
The first day or so, no real change. By day three I noticed I was starting to lost the ability to feel any emotion. While that was kinda nice in some aspects, I was starting to not even be able to smile or laugh. Like I have said before, just because I am depressed, doesn't mean I cant laugh, smile, joke, or feel happy. So this was scary and new, although a common side effect of anti depressants. I was very cautious about what medicine to choose. I went with the last anti-depressants I was on at 16, because I had taken that with success before, although the withdrawal process was hard. This category of anti-depressants is supposed to have less side effects. But the one I chose, is one of the worst ones for withdrawals. And all anti depressants have a black box warning. The black box warning states that during the initial treatment phase (1 to 2 months), some users will have increased suicidal thoughts and behaviors. So you're telling me it can do the exact opposite of what I want it to do? It was the scariest thing to me about starting the medication! What if I lost all sense of reality and ended up doing something I could never take back? At least when I am not medicated, my rationality and healthy thinking are still there, just sometimes quieted!
Day 4 of the medication, I was feeling even more numb, felt like I was in a cloud and just going through the motions. Day 5 I felt the same as the day prior. Then I just got extremely depressed and started rationalizing things. Things like everyone would be OK without me in their life, and that my kids would be better with someone else as their mom. I was still aware enough to see that all of this is happening, that I am getting worse and the thing I was most scared about happening, was happening. I was too scared to continue after that day, what if one more pill, caused me to lose what rational thinking was still there? It just wasn't worth it. I knew the risk of severe withdrawals from stopping an anti-depressants cold turkey. But usually that's if you have been on it long enough for it to do what its designed. Since I had only been on it for 5 days, I thought it would be fine. Boy was I wrong! First two days I felt ok, then it hit me like a brick wall. Hot flashes, dizziness so severe it caused repeated vomiting, fatigue, hot flashes, brain zaps, mood swings. I wanted to die! My doctor told me to go in to urgent care for an IV. Of course urgent care was closed, so we had to go to the ER.
They got me to a room quickly and got me on the monitors. They gave me an IV and took my blood. Also gave me something to help the nausea subside and another for the dizziness, which is what was triggering the nausea and vomiting. They had me do some strength tests to eliminate the possibility of a brain problem. Then we just waited for the tests to come back and to get enough fluids in me to pee, so they could eliminate the last few things with that.
Everything came back normal! Doctor said it was withdrawals from the medication and that with that particular medication, symptoms can last for quite a long time. He gave me a prescription for the nausea and dizziness meds. Also said if I get to the point again that I get dehydrated, I will need to come back in for IV again.
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Ugly Truth
Unfortunately I have learned that trauma can cause a bond between the two people experiencing it. It is saddening to me! How is it, the one person I wish I could forget and cut ties with, is the one person I am bonded to, forever? This man is the only person that got to know the real me, the only one that ever saw it. I got in his car, a 13 year old child, and left it, a different person. He took that from me! He robbed me of the rest of a normal childhood. Instead of worrying about what I was going to do for the weekend, I was worrying about how I was going to get through a day without cutting myself or contemplating suicide. Instead of talking about boys, I was wondering how I was going to face him again at school.
For the last few months at Laurel Middle School, I started acting out. I started drinking and swore that no authority figure was going to tell me what to do and I swore nobody would hurt me that way again. It gave me this attitude, as a defense mechanism. I started getting into trouble with one teacher in particular. Ended up getting written up at least once because I didn't care what they said to me. That attitude towards people who claimed to be an authority figure, because I didn't want to be hurt again.
After we moved to Colorado, I tried my best to put on my happy face and start over. Nobody there knew my past, my secrets. Once I started high school, there was this guy that kinda caught my eye. He had a girlfriend and I respected that. But soon him and his girlfriend me were no longer together and she was trying to hook me up with him. I thought it was weird, but figured if she was OK with it, then no worries right......wrong. I don't know what was going on with them really, but she started treating me badly and of course all of her friends had her back. I was a freshman, most of her and her friends were juniors and seniors. I started getting bullied and people called me a slut and a home wrecker. Even though NOTHING happened with him. I eventually walked away from that situation because of all of the drama. I just felt so hurt and lost. I was trying to start over and build a new life and to no doing of my own, had a whole new obstacle to face. It just added to the issues I was already dealing with. My depression and anxiety were at an all time high.
I remember having a panic attack at school so bad, that I passed out from hyperventilation and woke up on the principals desk to a sternum rub from the firefighters. They transported me to hospital via ambulance. There were rumors I tried committing suicide and having people see me at my worst was not ideal for any high schooler.
For the last few months at Laurel Middle School, I started acting out. I started drinking and swore that no authority figure was going to tell me what to do and I swore nobody would hurt me that way again. It gave me this attitude, as a defense mechanism. I started getting into trouble with one teacher in particular. Ended up getting written up at least once because I didn't care what they said to me. That attitude towards people who claimed to be an authority figure, because I didn't want to be hurt again.
After we moved to Colorado, I tried my best to put on my happy face and start over. Nobody there knew my past, my secrets. Once I started high school, there was this guy that kinda caught my eye. He had a girlfriend and I respected that. But soon him and his girlfriend me were no longer together and she was trying to hook me up with him. I thought it was weird, but figured if she was OK with it, then no worries right......wrong. I don't know what was going on with them really, but she started treating me badly and of course all of her friends had her back. I was a freshman, most of her and her friends were juniors and seniors. I started getting bullied and people called me a slut and a home wrecker. Even though NOTHING happened with him. I eventually walked away from that situation because of all of the drama. I just felt so hurt and lost. I was trying to start over and build a new life and to no doing of my own, had a whole new obstacle to face. It just added to the issues I was already dealing with. My depression and anxiety were at an all time high.
I remember having a panic attack at school so bad, that I passed out from hyperventilation and woke up on the principals desk to a sternum rub from the firefighters. They transported me to hospital via ambulance. There were rumors I tried committing suicide and having people see me at my worst was not ideal for any high schooler.
Wednesday, March 25, 2015
Simple As That
Therapy is going well. Some of it is weird, I am not going to lie. I consider myself pretty open minded though, so I plan on sticking it out. I have one more appointment with my psychologist, before I see the new one. I feel much better now that my psychologist recommended one of the ladies that is covered under my new insurance. I have been introduced to EMDR, what they do during this, the tools they use, and have most of the groundwork laid. I just gotta get started on it now, once I get switched.
I definitely think the time with my close friends, the night out for my birthday, the surprise getaway, our family trip to California, was all things I needed. It was pure exhausting and I'm still recovering, but it was a ton of fun and so many memories made. I am a little worried though. I am feeling more like my old self and I am not sure if its because I am making progress and healing, or if its my defense mechanism taking over and suppressing it again. Feeling better doesn't mean I am healed, over everything, or that I still won't have bad days. That's not how it works. It just means I have regained a little more control again. I can still be setback, triggered, or overwhelmed. Its just not as frequent.
I have pretty much made the decided that being completely open and honest about my emotions, the struggles I am going through, and my past...has not been that beneficial for me. In fact, in some ways it has been much harder for me. It brought along unrealistic expectations of those around me, that I was being open with. Like I have said a thousand times, if you haven't been through it, you will never get it. Even the closest people in my life can't ever fully get it! No matter what I say or explain, or how clear I am about the situations I have been in, they can only empathize. And me being honest with them, made them feel like they didn't know what to say or what not to say. They are walking on eggshells not wanting to do the wrong things or feeling like they aren't doing enough of the right things. I understand why they do it, totally! And I appreciate the fact they care enough to not want to hurt me. I feel like people look at me as fragile, when in fact, its the opposite. They want to fix me, and they can't. It's as simple as that!
I definitely think the time with my close friends, the night out for my birthday, the surprise getaway, our family trip to California, was all things I needed. It was pure exhausting and I'm still recovering, but it was a ton of fun and so many memories made. I am a little worried though. I am feeling more like my old self and I am not sure if its because I am making progress and healing, or if its my defense mechanism taking over and suppressing it again. Feeling better doesn't mean I am healed, over everything, or that I still won't have bad days. That's not how it works. It just means I have regained a little more control again. I can still be setback, triggered, or overwhelmed. Its just not as frequent.
I have pretty much made the decided that being completely open and honest about my emotions, the struggles I am going through, and my past...has not been that beneficial for me. In fact, in some ways it has been much harder for me. It brought along unrealistic expectations of those around me, that I was being open with. Like I have said a thousand times, if you haven't been through it, you will never get it. Even the closest people in my life can't ever fully get it! No matter what I say or explain, or how clear I am about the situations I have been in, they can only empathize. And me being honest with them, made them feel like they didn't know what to say or what not to say. They are walking on eggshells not wanting to do the wrong things or feeling like they aren't doing enough of the right things. I understand why they do it, totally! And I appreciate the fact they care enough to not want to hurt me. I feel like people look at me as fragile, when in fact, its the opposite. They want to fix me, and they can't. It's as simple as that!
Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Humiliation at its finest!
I have been processing some of the events that happened, after my secret came out at 14. This man was respected by the community. Nobody ever thought he would do what he was accused of. I was made out to be the problem, the liar! I remember being threatened by one class mate in particular, that said she was going to kick my ass for getting him fired.
I decided I didn't care, and I had the option to be present for what would have been my 8th grade graduation. It wasn't, since we had moved the month before, but I had gone to school with these people for the last 8 years. I came back with a friend for the school day, Laurel Middle School allowed visitors as long as you checked in at office. I went to check in at office, as the sign on the front doors directed you to. As soon as the principal saw me (knowing who I was) he said that they did not allow visitors on school grounds. It was a blatant lie and I was treated so unfairly. I got stares in the hallway, the short time they allowed me inside the school, so maybe in the end it was for my benefit. I was so humiliated, more than I already was, to show my face in the first place. As hard as it was to leave all my friends, my family, the life I knew, it probably was the best thing for me. I couldn't imagine dealing with the bullying and unfair treatment on a daily basis!
All of these events, the way I was treated by people, the harsh things said to me by people in my life, layed the groundwork for the things I believed about myself, believed what I was worthy of, and the way I viewed the world. And its been extremely hard to break, and reshape, what it should have been all along.
This song couldn't relate more to that time of my life!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bc6UQHQe-0Y
I decided I didn't care, and I had the option to be present for what would have been my 8th grade graduation. It wasn't, since we had moved the month before, but I had gone to school with these people for the last 8 years. I came back with a friend for the school day, Laurel Middle School allowed visitors as long as you checked in at office. I went to check in at office, as the sign on the front doors directed you to. As soon as the principal saw me (knowing who I was) he said that they did not allow visitors on school grounds. It was a blatant lie and I was treated so unfairly. I got stares in the hallway, the short time they allowed me inside the school, so maybe in the end it was for my benefit. I was so humiliated, more than I already was, to show my face in the first place. As hard as it was to leave all my friends, my family, the life I knew, it probably was the best thing for me. I couldn't imagine dealing with the bullying and unfair treatment on a daily basis!
All of these events, the way I was treated by people, the harsh things said to me by people in my life, layed the groundwork for the things I believed about myself, believed what I was worthy of, and the way I viewed the world. And its been extremely hard to break, and reshape, what it should have been all along.
This song couldn't relate more to that time of my life!
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bc6UQHQe-0Y
Monday, March 16, 2015
Trauma Anniversary
Yesterday was not as bad as I expected it to be. I really wasn't that anxious, just sad. Just really sad. A cried a lot. But by late afternoon, I was just sick of it. Sick of it running my life, sick of everything coming back to that. Sick of the side effects that are present because of it. One thing I am struggling with now, is thinking that in the end, everyone will leave. I will eventually push them far enough away, that's just what happens. When I was a teen, I felt alone, abandon to a point, even though my parents were in my house every day. The one person that was there for me, I pushed and pushed, and he stuck by me. He is and will always be an important person to me. My extended family wasn't close, my mom didn't stay, my sister didn't stay, most of my close friends didn't stay.
I think I have always just kinda had lower expectations of people, because of those things. I think as a defense mechanism, if I don't expect anything, I cant get hurt...right? Wrong. It was a major contributor in my self esteem. I told myself I wasn't worthy of those things, because I hadn't found many people who did show me. Who said they would be there, and actually were there, always. So as a result I struggle with setting boundaries in relationships. Because I love so much and feel that its ok to sacrifice what I think I deserve, to keep this person in my life. But don't get the same in return. So that is one thing I am slowly trying to change. But it is really hard, because when I am depressed and emotionally strained like this, I put my walls partially up always. And if I feel like you have done me wrong or aren't giving what I am, I detach. I think that I was stupid to ever think that someone would give what they get, I tell myself I will no longer share details with them, and I disconnect. And then I either stay disconnected or I talk myself into thinking I was in the wrong and I am being unreasonable. When I let you in, your in. I love you, I am there for you, and I will do anything for you. If you are down, I will be there. I expect it in return.
But I have seen where those people become overly entitled. They feel they have been mistreated, feel they deserve better, but they aren't fair. They want things their way or no way, there is no negotiating. I don't want to be that person either. I want a happy medium.
One thing I didn't realize, until my psychologist pointed it out, was how big of a deal what we dealt with last year with Brayden's teacher and the massage issue, was for me/and when she brought it up, still is. I find it so much harder as they get older (as I am sure any mom or parent feels), to let him have the freedom he needs to have to become an independent strong man, and wanting to make sure I protect him from anything like I went through. I don't trust the world. Its my baby boy! He is one of the most precious things in this world to me. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him, that in anyway could have been changed by something I did. That's something I have to work through and make sure it's just within the normal worrying that any mom would have.
I think I have always just kinda had lower expectations of people, because of those things. I think as a defense mechanism, if I don't expect anything, I cant get hurt...right? Wrong. It was a major contributor in my self esteem. I told myself I wasn't worthy of those things, because I hadn't found many people who did show me. Who said they would be there, and actually were there, always. So as a result I struggle with setting boundaries in relationships. Because I love so much and feel that its ok to sacrifice what I think I deserve, to keep this person in my life. But don't get the same in return. So that is one thing I am slowly trying to change. But it is really hard, because when I am depressed and emotionally strained like this, I put my walls partially up always. And if I feel like you have done me wrong or aren't giving what I am, I detach. I think that I was stupid to ever think that someone would give what they get, I tell myself I will no longer share details with them, and I disconnect. And then I either stay disconnected or I talk myself into thinking I was in the wrong and I am being unreasonable. When I let you in, your in. I love you, I am there for you, and I will do anything for you. If you are down, I will be there. I expect it in return.
But I have seen where those people become overly entitled. They feel they have been mistreated, feel they deserve better, but they aren't fair. They want things their way or no way, there is no negotiating. I don't want to be that person either. I want a happy medium.
One thing I didn't realize, until my psychologist pointed it out, was how big of a deal what we dealt with last year with Brayden's teacher and the massage issue, was for me/and when she brought it up, still is. I find it so much harder as they get older (as I am sure any mom or parent feels), to let him have the freedom he needs to have to become an independent strong man, and wanting to make sure I protect him from anything like I went through. I don't trust the world. Its my baby boy! He is one of the most precious things in this world to me. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him, that in anyway could have been changed by something I did. That's something I have to work through and make sure it's just within the normal worrying that any mom would have.
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