Every time

  I still am not back to where I was before I started the medication.  I went through the worst of the physical symptoms (which is comparable to heroin withdrawals) and then the emotional side kicked in!  I still get dizziness and my emotions are all over, but I think the worst of it is over.  I am so discouraged by all of this!  I keep trying and trying to move on, get through it all.  I get a game plan and have hope that this is what will help....then it fails miserably!  What if I never feel the same again?  What if no matter what I do and try, there is no escaping that I am a sexual abuse survivor?  I am diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression, as a result.  That isn't ever going to change, no matter what I do.  I will always struggle in relationships and setting boundaries, I will always have triggers, I will always have the coping mechanisms that are miss-programmed and kick in and take over.  I will always look like I don't care, when in all reality, I am so overwhelmed that I have lost the ability to function properly.
  With ALL of that, its no wonder why we can't help feel like we should be alone!  We don't disclose things to people because we don't want to be a burden, we don't want to stress you out and worry you.  I don't want to drag anyone into the darkness and I don't like bringing others down.  I feel like everywhere I turn, everything is a direct result to me.  
  I felt like a burden as a child.  Nobody else's child was the one having panic attacks that required hospitalization all the while, being told it was in my head.  Being told I shouldn't have gotten in the car with HIM!  Don't you know I think about that EVERY TIME I am thinking of the situation?  Don't you think I hated being so out of control, I couldn't stop the panic attacks?  From that time on, my mind said...you aren't worth your parents understanding what you went through.  It said you are a burden!  You aren't worth any member of your family asking if you are OK.  Then the fall out with my mom.  I felt like I wasn't worth the ONE thing I asked her to do.  After everything she had done to me, said to me, lied about me, and been accused of....I asked for ONE thing and she refused to do it.  I wasn't worth it to her, again.  My own Mom, the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, cant even!  That's gotta mean its me, right?  What about when my sister so easily said she wants nothing to do with me and hasn't looked back in over 2 years?