Yesterday was not as bad as I expected it to be. I really wasn't that anxious, just sad. Just really sad. A cried a lot. But by late afternoon, I was just sick of it. Sick of it running my life, sick of everything coming back to that. Sick of the side effects that are present because of it. One thing I am struggling with now, is thinking that in the end, everyone will leave. I will eventually push them far enough away, that's just what happens. When I was a teen, I felt alone, abandon to a point, even though my parents were in my house every day. The one person that was there for me, I pushed and pushed, and he stuck by me. He is and will always be an important person to me. My extended family wasn't close, my mom didn't stay, my sister didn't stay, most of my close friends didn't stay.
I think I have always just kinda had lower expectations of people, because of those things. I think as a defense mechanism, if I don't expect anything, I cant get hurt...right? Wrong. It was a major contributor in my self esteem. I told myself I wasn't worthy of those things, because I hadn't found many people who did show me. Who said they would be there, and actually were there, always. So as a result I struggle with setting boundaries in relationships. Because I love so much and feel that its ok to sacrifice what I think I deserve, to keep this person in my life. But don't get the same in return. So that is one thing I am slowly trying to change. But it is really hard, because when I am depressed and emotionally strained like this, I put my walls partially up always. And if I feel like you have done me wrong or aren't giving what I am, I detach. I think that I was stupid to ever think that someone would give what they get, I tell myself I will no longer share details with them, and I disconnect. And then I either stay disconnected or I talk myself into thinking I was in the wrong and I am being unreasonable. When I let you in, your in. I love you, I am there for you, and I will do anything for you. If you are down, I will be there. I expect it in return.
But I have seen where those people become overly entitled. They feel they have been mistreated, feel they deserve better, but they aren't fair. They want things their way or no way, there is no negotiating. I don't want to be that person either. I want a happy medium.
One thing I didn't realize, until my psychologist pointed it out, was how big of a deal what we dealt with last year with Brayden's teacher and the massage issue, was for me/and when she brought it up, still is. I find it so much harder as they get older (as I am sure any mom or parent feels), to let him have the freedom he needs to have to become an independent strong man, and wanting to make sure I protect him from anything like I went through. I don't trust the world. Its my baby boy! He is one of the most precious things in this world to me. I would never forgive myself if something happened to him, that in anyway could have been changed by something I did. That's something I have to work through and make sure it's just within the normal worrying that any mom would have.
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