That Time Again

  I know I have touched base on religion before, but it's something on my mind a lot right now.  I know people say "Let go and let God" or "Give it to God."  Have you tried that?  I have, since I was a child, believed in God.  I pray to him, I trust him, I believe he helps carry and guide you through a situation, and I believe in eternal life.  But with that being said, I also think that those phrases are only going to get you so far.  I pray for guidance, peace, strength, all those things.  I do believe he hears my prayers and gives me some of those things, but in the end, it's on me.  He doesn't prevent bad things from happening to you.  I have been a good person all my life, and have had many situations happen that I just will never understand why, as have most of you.  When I am devoted to him, why would something so terrible happen to me, and twice for that matter?
  Now, I don't blame him for the events that have taken place in my life.  But I find it isn't beneficial for someone to tell me to pray.  I have been praying, for the last 16 years.  I try to lead a lifestyle of high morals.  And I am still here.  I will continue to pray.  But it doesn't just go away, by doing that.  You are still going to have to make all the changes, and do all of that work.  Yes, with his HELP!  But it's not on him.  In the end, it's on you.
  Wednesday marks my anniversary of abuse.  It is the normal time of year, that I would deal with the emotions and flashbacks, even if I haven't thought about it the rest of the year.  I went years with the day passing and not even a second thought to it.  Last year, changed that again.  This time last year, my offender contacted me, and it started the end of the slip slide down the hill.  I had already been on the border I think, since my parents got divorced and things transpired between my mom and I, the way they did.  And then the accusations about my mom came out.  And that is something I did and always will struggle with.  And then the contact made and it finally pushed me right down to the deep dark place, that has been hidden away so long. 
  Since then, I have been dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and depression.  And then, when the most recent abuse surfaced, it was more than I could handle.  I reached my breaking point.  So now, I am heading into the anniversary already anxious, sad, and hurt.  I woke up this morning with a nightmare with him in it, and its been awhile since I have had any.  Wasn't the way or emotional state I wanted to start the day with.
  I was switching insurances when I went to my first appointment, and this psychologist I love, is not covered by my new one.  So now I have to decide if I want to continue to see her, and pay it all out of pocket, or go to one of the options that are covered, and start all over again.  I do have an appointment with the original one this week, I need to be seen.  I am just going to face this week, and I will make a decision on this, after this week.
  Some days I struggle, after I publish a blog.  I struggle with everyone knowing my inner thoughts, judging me, or thinking I am crazy.  But it is so relieving to me at the same time.  But at the end of the day, I know the truth.  If there are people judging me or thinking those things, that's on them.  They aren't someone I need or obviously aren't important in my life anyways, or they would not think that.