Telling my husband and seeing him support me through all of the crazy drama that comes my way, made me fall in love with him even more. For someone who doesn't have experience in this area, he handled it just as I could have hoped he would. And a lot of the times that is not the case with people. I have been judged on so many things, many out of my control. Judged on being sexually assaulted, judged on telling the truth in that situation, judged when I would go throw up my food after a meal, judged for having a panic attack, judged for the actions of my mom, judged on how I react and handle my relationship with her, judged as a young and uneducated mother. That's one thing that caused me to always keep things in, and deal with them myself. Then nobody else has to be hurt, no more drama needs to happen. I just keep it deep, in the dark corners of my soul. Sacrificing my feelings internally, for the sake of others. Its hard sometimes, but for me its almost easier. It makes me realize that the petty arguments and annoyances, are nothing in the big scheme of things. I can't imagine marrying into a family that has as much dysfunction as mine does. It's not the ideal in-law situation. But he takes it all, never wavering. And for that, I am so thankful!
Since then, I have just taken it day by day. I feel much better than I did right after contact was made, but still not where I was before all of this happened. It is literally an internal struggle. It couldn't be any better described than exactly that. I do plan on starting therapy again. Not only for this matter but also all of the unprocessed emotions that are buried in regards to my mom. I am definitely nervous for this, but I know personally that burying it, is only going to result in it coming back up later. But one thing I have noticed, I can give advice without hesitating, but don't take my own advice when the situation arises. I talk about taking care of yourself and doing what's right for you, but then don't always do the same for myself. I am definitely one that needs to take my own advice, more often. Like I said before, I am a work in progress!
Sometimes I feel like I can't possibly be only 29 years old! The life experiences, I feel, make me feel like an old soul sometimes. People always tell me "God wont give you more than you can handle." Sometimes I wonder just why God thinks I am a bad ass :) Because I don't always feel that way! I have just come to realize, it's just how my life will be. I try not to play the victim. I try not to ask the why me? Why MY mom? Why my sister? Why my family? And instead of dwelling on it, I take what I am given, and continue on my path, trying with all of my might, to hold my head high!
Saturday, March 29, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Now or Never
I couldn't bring myself to tell him that night. The next day, I decided I had to do it then, no matter how difficult. I stressed and worried all day about it. I waited until that night when the kids were asleep. I finally just blurted it out. Of course, my husband being the wonderful man he is, was great to me. He was very upset that this man even had the balls to contact me, and I don't blame him for that. He was very compassionate to my feelings. I told him I was feeling all of these things again. He just wanted to know what we needed to do, to get the situation under control again. I told him that I just wanted to wait it out, and hope that the feelings passed. I had had it under control for the most part, by the time my hubby and I had gotten together. So, he was never around to see me feel this way. I think it was new for both of us. I have never had anyone there for me, when I experienced this before. It was definitely a welcome change. The day I got the message, I reported the profile. Sexual offenders are not allowed on facebook, so his account was deleted.
I was still feeling all of the same feelings as the day before. I wasn't feeling any better. I started to get concerned that this was just going to be how it was. I had no desire to start from square one again. I honestly didn't think I had it in me, to conquer this again. It was a vicious cycle. I was upset because of why I was feeling that way, but was making myself feel worse because I was being so hard on myself. I thought about going to back therapy, but as much as that is beneficial, it is a process of reliving it all again, And I didn't know if I was ready for that.
I decided after about 5 days of feeling this way, it was time to talk to someone. Luckily, I have an aunt that has a ton of experience with this stuff. So, I decided to call her and start there. She already knew my background, and that always makes it easier. I didn't have to rehash all the prior stuff, just what was going on now. She helped me retrain my thoughts. She helped me see that it was normal to have the reaction I did. And to understand that it will always be with me and there will always be triggers. Although I hadn't had any major setback in YEARS, it doesn't mean that it is going to be that way forever. She helped me realize that I may have had a set back, but that I would never be back to square one. I have came too far and grown too much to be back at square one.
Where was the feisty redhead who doesn't put up with people's shit? After all it took to get me where I am, I wasn't going to let this man, AGAIN, make me put my walls back up. I wasn't going to shut down and keep it to myself. It was time to re-feel all of those feelings again, whether I wanted to or not. It was the only way to put it behind me, and be able to get back to the place I was before this.
I was still feeling all of the same feelings as the day before. I wasn't feeling any better. I started to get concerned that this was just going to be how it was. I had no desire to start from square one again. I honestly didn't think I had it in me, to conquer this again. It was a vicious cycle. I was upset because of why I was feeling that way, but was making myself feel worse because I was being so hard on myself. I thought about going to back therapy, but as much as that is beneficial, it is a process of reliving it all again, And I didn't know if I was ready for that.
I decided after about 5 days of feeling this way, it was time to talk to someone. Luckily, I have an aunt that has a ton of experience with this stuff. So, I decided to call her and start there. She already knew my background, and that always makes it easier. I didn't have to rehash all the prior stuff, just what was going on now. She helped me retrain my thoughts. She helped me see that it was normal to have the reaction I did. And to understand that it will always be with me and there will always be triggers. Although I hadn't had any major setback in YEARS, it doesn't mean that it is going to be that way forever. She helped me realize that I may have had a set back, but that I would never be back to square one. I have came too far and grown too much to be back at square one.
Where was the feisty redhead who doesn't put up with people's shit? After all it took to get me where I am, I wasn't going to let this man, AGAIN, make me put my walls back up. I wasn't going to shut down and keep it to myself. It was time to re-feel all of those feelings again, whether I wanted to or not. It was the only way to put it behind me, and be able to get back to the place I was before this.
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Deja Vu
This January, marked 15 years since that fateful night, that completely turned my world upside down. I would say this year, I struggled more than usual. A few weeks prior to the anniversary, it was on my mind. Nothing too overwhelming or anything that I couldn't handle. My prior therapists have always said, that that time of year, would be harder for me. Even if I don't necessarily think about it or remember it, my subconscious does. That has rang true for me in the last 15 years, off and on. But it has been a few years, since I have even remembered that day, being that day. It usually sits quietly in my subconscious, not stirring up those emotions. I can talk about it openly, without feeling those feelings again. I prided myself on keeping it in check.
A few days before the date, I got a message on Facebook. This is a regular occurrence with business and by friends. But to my shock, it was the person who committed those crimes against me. I don't think it would have mattered what he said, my reaction was the same. I was taken back to the day I was 13 and this first all happened. A wave of all of the emotions I felt, came over me again. Self disgust, objectification, fear, anger, confusion, lack of control, paranoia, extreme anxiety, shame...you name it. I felt like the innocent girl again, instead of the woman who can take care of herself. The reaction I had, made me feel worse about the situation. Why was I so upset? Why were all of these feelings coming back to me, when I thought I had dealt with all of this? It all threw me for a loop, including my reaction. I had seen him at the clarification session since then, and didn't have this reaction. So why now, when I am not even in the same room as him? What do I do, where do I go from here?
While I knew that this will always be with me, I haven't had issues with it for a long time. So all of this was new to me, and to be honest, I didn't want to feel this way. Not for an hour, not for a day, and definitely not for a long period of time. After everything, the years, the tears, the therapy, the purging, the cutting, the wanting more than anything to stop the pain, the growing....one little thing and I am back to square one. It was extremely discouraging :( I didn't want to tell anyone, I didn't want to admit the feelings I had. I hoped that since this had just all happened, that tomorrow would be a new day. I knew I had to tell my husband, but I was dreading it. I didn't want to upset him or worry him, which I figured it would do both. It made me want to keep a secret again. Why does he always get the best of me? I knew I couldn't keep it from my hubby. I planned on telling him that night, but I just couldn't even bring myself to utter the words out loud to him. It was on the tip of my tongue so many times, and I still couldn't just say the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3Xr67jp1Fo&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A
A few days before the date, I got a message on Facebook. This is a regular occurrence with business and by friends. But to my shock, it was the person who committed those crimes against me. I don't think it would have mattered what he said, my reaction was the same. I was taken back to the day I was 13 and this first all happened. A wave of all of the emotions I felt, came over me again. Self disgust, objectification, fear, anger, confusion, lack of control, paranoia, extreme anxiety, shame...you name it. I felt like the innocent girl again, instead of the woman who can take care of herself. The reaction I had, made me feel worse about the situation. Why was I so upset? Why were all of these feelings coming back to me, when I thought I had dealt with all of this? It all threw me for a loop, including my reaction. I had seen him at the clarification session since then, and didn't have this reaction. So why now, when I am not even in the same room as him? What do I do, where do I go from here?
While I knew that this will always be with me, I haven't had issues with it for a long time. So all of this was new to me, and to be honest, I didn't want to feel this way. Not for an hour, not for a day, and definitely not for a long period of time. After everything, the years, the tears, the therapy, the purging, the cutting, the wanting more than anything to stop the pain, the growing....one little thing and I am back to square one. It was extremely discouraging :( I didn't want to tell anyone, I didn't want to admit the feelings I had. I hoped that since this had just all happened, that tomorrow would be a new day. I knew I had to tell my husband, but I was dreading it. I didn't want to upset him or worry him, which I figured it would do both. It made me want to keep a secret again. Why does he always get the best of me? I knew I couldn't keep it from my hubby. I planned on telling him that night, but I just couldn't even bring myself to utter the words out loud to him. It was on the tip of my tongue so many times, and I still couldn't just say the words...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m3Xr67jp1Fo&list=PL93E8F36D8C152F3A
Monday, March 17, 2014
Overprotective?
So my 8 year old came home one day from school, and in our usual fashion we discussed his day. He told me all about his day, and included that he had given his teacher a back rub. This disturbed me immediately. I was scared and concerned! I asked him some more questions about other kids being there, and if she asked him to rub her back? I of course brought it up to my husband and knew that for my own sanity, I couldn't just let this slide. I don't want anyone teaching or telling my child it is OK to touch them that way. That is not their place, in my opinion.
The next day, he came home and said again, he got to pick a treasure from the treasure box, for giving his teacher a back rub. Now she is rewarding them for physical touch? Was this the start of my worst fear coming true, and my child having to endure what I did? We didn't know what the appropriate response was. I didn't want my problem with this to affect the way he was treated by his teacher, other members of the staff, and other students. He already has enough struggles!
Since I was a young mom, I have always felt that I have been looked at as just a "young mom". Which for some reason automatically means less smart, less qualified, and less competent. I still get looks now for having 3 kids. HELLO I AM ALMOST 30 and I AM MARRIED :) I have always been a person to study up and learn whatever I can about something. So when I became pregnant at 19, I started researching and reading everything I could about parenting and pregnancy. I am not saying that I know everything by any means, or that I don't need to continue to learn about these things. What I am saying is, give me the benefit of the doubt, before you automatically judge me as an uneducated person.
I had a conversation with the assistant principal, deciding that we thought this was best. Stating I was happy with every other aspect, but that I thought it was inappropriate for her to be allowing them to massage her and also rewarding him. It's basically going against the boundaries that we teach at home. And I didn't want her in trouble and I wasn't looking to make this public knowledge in the school, but that it needed to be handled. He was very cooperative and understanding. Since then, the massages have no longer been happening.
My first thought was, am I over reacting because of my past? Is this abnormal behavior in every ones mind? Turns out, most people I asked, agreed with me. The thought that as they get older, I lose more and more control of their surroundings, people they come in contact with, and the ability to protect them....terrifies me! I know there isn't anything I can do about it, and it is a part of life, but that doesn't make it any less scary or hard for me.
The next day, he came home and said again, he got to pick a treasure from the treasure box, for giving his teacher a back rub. Now she is rewarding them for physical touch? Was this the start of my worst fear coming true, and my child having to endure what I did? We didn't know what the appropriate response was. I didn't want my problem with this to affect the way he was treated by his teacher, other members of the staff, and other students. He already has enough struggles!
Since I was a young mom, I have always felt that I have been looked at as just a "young mom". Which for some reason automatically means less smart, less qualified, and less competent. I still get looks now for having 3 kids. HELLO I AM ALMOST 30 and I AM MARRIED :) I have always been a person to study up and learn whatever I can about something. So when I became pregnant at 19, I started researching and reading everything I could about parenting and pregnancy. I am not saying that I know everything by any means, or that I don't need to continue to learn about these things. What I am saying is, give me the benefit of the doubt, before you automatically judge me as an uneducated person.
I had a conversation with the assistant principal, deciding that we thought this was best. Stating I was happy with every other aspect, but that I thought it was inappropriate for her to be allowing them to massage her and also rewarding him. It's basically going against the boundaries that we teach at home. And I didn't want her in trouble and I wasn't looking to make this public knowledge in the school, but that it needed to be handled. He was very cooperative and understanding. Since then, the massages have no longer been happening.
My first thought was, am I over reacting because of my past? Is this abnormal behavior in every ones mind? Turns out, most people I asked, agreed with me. The thought that as they get older, I lose more and more control of their surroundings, people they come in contact with, and the ability to protect them....terrifies me! I know there isn't anything I can do about it, and it is a part of life, but that doesn't make it any less scary or hard for me.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Success, At Least In One Aspect
One of the biggest struggles last year, was the issue of what way to go in treating Brayden's ADD, I knew I didn't want to medicate anymore, so it was finding ways around it. I saw what the medication did first hand. While it did do its job, the side effects were not something I was comfortable with him having. After multiple different medication switches, I took him off all medications, after school got out for the summer, I had tried a natural solution to his allergies with doTERRA, and was pleasantly surprised that it worked! I knew that had developed a blend just for focus, so I was eager to test it out. I got it and tried it out and home, and once again noticed a difference. It was hard to tell if it was going to be enough once school started. He struggles with it at home some, but not like he does at school. But it makes it hard, because I wasn't around to notice if it was working enough for him. That's one thing that is hard for me, is relying on their feedback to make the best decisions for him.
I was extremely stressed at the beginning of the school year, wondering and praying that it was enough for him. I absolutely did NOT want to medicate him again, and honestly considered home schooling him if that was my only option. But I didn't really like that idea either. Before the school year started, I filled out all of the necessary paper work that the nurses' office needed. Once school started, the aide in the nurses' office, started making things difficult. Saying the oil I used on him, could get on another students hand and in their eye. And that the smell was going to be a problem for other kids. Instead of acknowledging and embracing a parent who was trying an alternative, NATURAL remedy, they want to try and find a problem with every aspect. They wouldn't let him reapply it to himself, so made him go down to the nurses' station after lunch to have it reapplied to him. One day she complained to me after saying she got it in her eye and it burned. Of course it did, it isn't made to go IN YOUR EYE! Brayden told me that day, that she was wearing gloves, so I am still not sure how she "got it in her eye." I finally started coming to school everyday after lunch, to apply it myself. Now he only needs the one application in the mornings and he does pretty well through the whole day :)
You have no idea, ok maybe some of you do, the relief I felt to have found an alternative that is natural and still does what he needs. I have never felt so thankful (ok maybe not NEVER)! I did cut out some of the things they recommend for any child, but specifically someone who has ADD. Certain food dyes, preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, etc. I didn't completely eliminate them, but did go through a lot of the stuff they do eat and eliminate it where I can. I was surprised to see that you don't specifically have to shop somewhere else to find alternatives. While they may not be fully natural, I have found alternative in regular grocery stores that have eliminated food dyes and artificial flavors.
I was extremely stressed at the beginning of the school year, wondering and praying that it was enough for him. I absolutely did NOT want to medicate him again, and honestly considered home schooling him if that was my only option. But I didn't really like that idea either. Before the school year started, I filled out all of the necessary paper work that the nurses' office needed. Once school started, the aide in the nurses' office, started making things difficult. Saying the oil I used on him, could get on another students hand and in their eye. And that the smell was going to be a problem for other kids. Instead of acknowledging and embracing a parent who was trying an alternative, NATURAL remedy, they want to try and find a problem with every aspect. They wouldn't let him reapply it to himself, so made him go down to the nurses' station after lunch to have it reapplied to him. One day she complained to me after saying she got it in her eye and it burned. Of course it did, it isn't made to go IN YOUR EYE! Brayden told me that day, that she was wearing gloves, so I am still not sure how she "got it in her eye." I finally started coming to school everyday after lunch, to apply it myself. Now he only needs the one application in the mornings and he does pretty well through the whole day :)
You have no idea, ok maybe some of you do, the relief I felt to have found an alternative that is natural and still does what he needs. I have never felt so thankful (ok maybe not NEVER)! I did cut out some of the things they recommend for any child, but specifically someone who has ADD. Certain food dyes, preservatives, high fructose corn syrup, etc. I didn't completely eliminate them, but did go through a lot of the stuff they do eat and eliminate it where I can. I was surprised to see that you don't specifically have to shop somewhere else to find alternatives. While they may not be fully natural, I have found alternative in regular grocery stores that have eliminated food dyes and artificial flavors.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Still Missing My Sister
I still miss my sister. I know that I didn't get the shoulder to cry on relationship, like I do have with my younger sister. But I still was close to her and we always had a good time together. Since she told me to never contact them, yet again, I have given her some space. However, about four months ago, I did text her again, in hopes of trying to work on things. She had the same things to say to me, as she has the last two years. She did tell me she would probably never forgive me for the things I said, I am still not sure what she means by that. I was not rude or mean, I did however tell it like it was without being any of those things. I apologized, when I didn't necessarily need to, willing to put my pride aside to fix it. But to her, it wasn't enough and didn't make any difference.
I am constantly questioning on what to do with that situation. In my opinion, family is everything, and you do no give up on them. But then the part of me that wants to protect my feelings says, prepare yourself for the rest of your life without having a relationship with your sister. Unfortunately I think the latter one, is the one that will ring true. She is blind to reality and the way she really is. She criticizes and judges people for the things she does also. She doesn't say the wrong that she is in and won't get help. Until she does those things, I know, that a relationship will never be successful.
I have heard from her two daughters a few times, when they sneak in a text to me. I have to admit, I love it, even though it is going against her wishes. I hate that they have to be secretive though, and I never ask them to contact me, because I don't want them to feel like they have to go against what they are told. But I NEVER tell them to not contact me! I hate the time I am missing out on in their lives! The most recent texts from them said that their parents were getting divorced. I was honestly a little surprised, they had issues for years, but I still didn't know if it would have ever came to that. I think it is best for everyone unfortunately and I hope they both find happiness. I consoled them the best I could, two states away. Evidently my sister found out they were talking to me and I haven't heard from them since :(
Things with my brother have been up and down the last nine months. He is finally at a great place now, working and wanting to better his future. I try to keep him motivated and be there for him. I just really hope he continues this way. Things did get worse, before they got better. He was in trouble with the law some more, in the hospital again, and struggling there for awhile. It was great to spend some time with him at Christmas. I have realized with this situation, that there is only so much I can do. I have a family of my own that is my priority and trying to push someone who didn't want helped, to let me help, was an uphill battle. As long as he lets me help him, I will. But there is only so much this one person can do, given all that. I can steer him in the right direction, but only he can choose his path!
I am constantly questioning on what to do with that situation. In my opinion, family is everything, and you do no give up on them. But then the part of me that wants to protect my feelings says, prepare yourself for the rest of your life without having a relationship with your sister. Unfortunately I think the latter one, is the one that will ring true. She is blind to reality and the way she really is. She criticizes and judges people for the things she does also. She doesn't say the wrong that she is in and won't get help. Until she does those things, I know, that a relationship will never be successful.
I have heard from her two daughters a few times, when they sneak in a text to me. I have to admit, I love it, even though it is going against her wishes. I hate that they have to be secretive though, and I never ask them to contact me, because I don't want them to feel like they have to go against what they are told. But I NEVER tell them to not contact me! I hate the time I am missing out on in their lives! The most recent texts from them said that their parents were getting divorced. I was honestly a little surprised, they had issues for years, but I still didn't know if it would have ever came to that. I think it is best for everyone unfortunately and I hope they both find happiness. I consoled them the best I could, two states away. Evidently my sister found out they were talking to me and I haven't heard from them since :(
Things with my brother have been up and down the last nine months. He is finally at a great place now, working and wanting to better his future. I try to keep him motivated and be there for him. I just really hope he continues this way. Things did get worse, before they got better. He was in trouble with the law some more, in the hospital again, and struggling there for awhile. It was great to spend some time with him at Christmas. I have realized with this situation, that there is only so much I can do. I have a family of my own that is my priority and trying to push someone who didn't want helped, to let me help, was an uphill battle. As long as he lets me help him, I will. But there is only so much this one person can do, given all that. I can steer him in the right direction, but only he can choose his path!
Sunday, March 9, 2014
I'm Back
I know I said I would be back, I wasn't planning on it taking nine months to do that :)! So much has happened, that I am once again unsure on where to start! I guess the case against my Mom, is the best place to start. After months and months of waiting and interviews, we were informed that the authorities did not have enough evidence to pursue charges against my Mom! I was torn about how to feel about that. A part of me was hoping that if they did press charges, maybe just maybe she would admit it finally, and give me the closure I needed, to move on from this situation. Also if she is guilty of the things she is accused, she deserves to be locked up for a VERY long time. Then the other part of me was glad she wasn't getting in trouble because of the fact she is my mother and straight up told me, she would not go to jail alive. So once again, I was torn both ways, and felt like I was never going to get my closure. I don't feel as stuck as I did then, when it comes to that subject. However, I don't know that I will ever fully get the closure I need, it may always be in limbo.
Before we found out that they were not going to pursue charges, my mom decided to hire her own person to administer a lie detector test. And since I can't trust her word, I had the man that administered it, send me results. The results said: she passed! Now that caught me off guard, but come to find out, people with mental illness or issues similar, can pass the tests. And some of them even believe themselves, the lies they tell, so therefore in their mind, it isn't a lie. So once again, nothing is settled in my mind. OK she passed, can't I just accept that as the reality? Nope, because I am still back to the fact that no 19 year old is going to make up those things, about his own mom. And when all the other signs are there of mental illness, what am I supposed to think?
I said I "cut ties" which means, I asked her to not contact me anymore. She has repeatedly crossed the line with me, after being asked MANY times not to. She continues to talk crap to me about my Dad's now fiancé. I have also asked her to get therapy, so she can see the way she is....how she treats us. But she wont, and even if she did go, she would never be honest, therefore, never get the help she needs. She wanted to see my sister and I when she was in the area, but I stayed strong and held my boundary. I can't trust that she wont bad mouth people to my kids, or lie to them to try and sway their opinion. I will not let her manipulate and invalidate my children, as she has me! I don't know where to go from here in my relationship with her. I have my boundaries and they are set, but she says she wants to try and fix things, but won't do the TWO things, I have asked of her. I cant trust that she is going to change her ways when it comes to my boundaries, because she has told me MANY times she would, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and she made me look like a fool again and again! My life without her, is way less stressful and a lot less drama. But I do have days where I struggle. Where I miss having a mom, whoever good or bad she was. Someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally and be there for you. Holidays are harder than most days, I think.
I have focused more on myself lately. It is still a challenge, but I am learning. I have learned that to be the mother, wife, sister, friend, that I want to be, I have to take care of me. That doesn't mean I am selfish, that just means I have made myself a priority. I always viewed worrying about myself or putting myself first, as selfish. My Mom was very selfish, and that's one of the things I never want to be. But there is a difference between making yourself a priority and being selfish, that's one thing I am working on. I feel way better as far as my self confidence goes. I had a serious period where I literally doubted every aspect of my life. I wasn't where I wanted to be. Now, I feel better about all that. I am still working to be a better wife and mom, but have realized I am only ONE person, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself and expect so much!
Before we found out that they were not going to pursue charges, my mom decided to hire her own person to administer a lie detector test. And since I can't trust her word, I had the man that administered it, send me results. The results said: she passed! Now that caught me off guard, but come to find out, people with mental illness or issues similar, can pass the tests. And some of them even believe themselves, the lies they tell, so therefore in their mind, it isn't a lie. So once again, nothing is settled in my mind. OK she passed, can't I just accept that as the reality? Nope, because I am still back to the fact that no 19 year old is going to make up those things, about his own mom. And when all the other signs are there of mental illness, what am I supposed to think?
I said I "cut ties" which means, I asked her to not contact me anymore. She has repeatedly crossed the line with me, after being asked MANY times not to. She continues to talk crap to me about my Dad's now fiancé. I have also asked her to get therapy, so she can see the way she is....how she treats us. But she wont, and even if she did go, she would never be honest, therefore, never get the help she needs. She wanted to see my sister and I when she was in the area, but I stayed strong and held my boundary. I can't trust that she wont bad mouth people to my kids, or lie to them to try and sway their opinion. I will not let her manipulate and invalidate my children, as she has me! I don't know where to go from here in my relationship with her. I have my boundaries and they are set, but she says she wants to try and fix things, but won't do the TWO things, I have asked of her. I cant trust that she is going to change her ways when it comes to my boundaries, because she has told me MANY times she would, I gave her the benefit of the doubt, and she made me look like a fool again and again! My life without her, is way less stressful and a lot less drama. But I do have days where I struggle. Where I miss having a mom, whoever good or bad she was. Someone that is supposed to love you unconditionally and be there for you. Holidays are harder than most days, I think.
I have focused more on myself lately. It is still a challenge, but I am learning. I have learned that to be the mother, wife, sister, friend, that I want to be, I have to take care of me. That doesn't mean I am selfish, that just means I have made myself a priority. I always viewed worrying about myself or putting myself first, as selfish. My Mom was very selfish, and that's one of the things I never want to be. But there is a difference between making yourself a priority and being selfish, that's one thing I am working on. I feel way better as far as my self confidence goes. I had a serious period where I literally doubted every aspect of my life. I wasn't where I wanted to be. Now, I feel better about all that. I am still working to be a better wife and mom, but have realized I am only ONE person, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself and expect so much!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)