This first part, I was never planning on showing to anyone, or publishing. It was the first entry I have posted, that I didn't want shared, didn't want people to be in my brain. But I decided, I have come this far, revealed much worse, there is no point in holding back now.
Saturday, May 10, 2014
It feels like Day 785 that I have been in this house, going through the motions, never escaping my thoughts. It gets sooooo old. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of caring. I want to take all of the negative thoughts that are overwhelming my normal thought process, out, never to be put back. Why can't I be like them, and lack the empathy, lack the ability to love? I know I don't want to actually lack the ability to love, but I just want to be able to solely focus on the love I do have, that is and will continue to be a constant. I am down, my heart is heavy, and I am just sad. Then I start to think of all my wonderful blessings, and feel worse because I am so blessed, and still feeling this way. Hoping I can pull it together, and enjoy my day tomorrow with my family. Celebrate being a mom! I want to be able to wipe away all of the negative, leave all of the positive, and then I wont have anything to dwell on. I want to be able to let the feelings go, that go into no contact. My mom will never be my best friend, or my confidant. She will never be someone I can run to when I need to be reassured that everything is ok, that I am doing the right thing. I know its because of Mothers Day being tomorrow. Seeing everyone post about these amazing women (and don't get me wrong, I am glad that they do exist for others) and knowing that void will never be filled for me. No matter who loves me, who else in my life supports me, that emptiness will always be there. This is definitely the most down I have felt in awhile. No that doesn't mean I am suicidal, or I want to die. It just means I want to escape my own brain, my worst enemy at times. I want to escape feeling responsible, guilty, sad, hurt, and angry. Move on, just move on....
Sunday, May 11, 2014
As the day went on yesterday, I attempted to sort my thoughts. Sometime out of the house, a different perspective other than my own, a friend, and a mental shift. All things I definitely needed. I woke up this morning and was very emotional. Do I send her a text at least to acknowledge that she was as present as she could have mentally been? Am I hurting her feelings by not even acknowledging it? Here I am, still caring! I got on to Facebook and there was an outpouring of love on there. Love for me, love for all present mothers, love for mothers lost. I had friends, siblings, family of family, people who aren't even related to me wishing me a happy Mothers Day. Words of encouragement, empowerment, compliments, and love. I realized instead of focusing on what I am lacking, I am focusing on what I have. I am blessed with great friends, mother in law, soon to be step mom, aunts, cousins, sisters, mothers of friends. Not to mention all of the brothers, fathers, uncles and my husband. They all pride on helping me sort it out, building me up, being there for me. I need to embrace them and accept what I am not getting from the other people in my life. I can not change anyone but myself, no matter how much I want to, or think I can. And I need to be at peace with that. My family and my friends that are there with me, deserve my presence and attention, fully. I am going to do whatever it takes to get there. For me....for us.
Sunday, May 11, 2014
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
All Else Aside
Let's say my mom (which is a SLIM chance of actually happening), finally will respect my boundaries and that she finally goes to therapy and respects the other two very simple requests I have asked. How do I forgive her for the things she has been accused of? How do I forgive the woman who saw my struggle with all of the things that came along with being sexually assaulted, then went and did it to her own child? I start doubting my decisions to cut her off from my kids, for something that doesn't have anything directly to do with them. Because I know how it feels to be cut off from someone, because of things that aren't directly related to me, and I don't want to be a hypocrite. But how do I ever look at the woman who gave life to me and raised me, the same, knowing details that I should NEVER have to have in my brain? Knowing she hurt and violated her child in the worst possible way. It literally SICKENS me!
I can't even trust her for 30 seconds alone with my kids. Why would I even want to? I just never thought I was going to have to protect them for her. I feel like I am betraying my brother for even THINKING about letting her around, even if she does therapy. I know what it is like to try and be honest about something that is humiliating and shameful, and having people treat you like you did something wrong! So my loyalty there is also a big thing. I don't ever want him to feel like I don't believe him, or that I don't have his back. Because that is definitely NOT the case!
People still talk shit to me and judge me for putting distance between my Mom and I. They are mostly the people who only know/knew my Mom's side of the story. And she is far from honest when it comes to her side of things. It's always all about how she is affected, how she is doing, and never taking responsibility for her actions. Someone that is like that, doesn't hear anything I have to say, unless its beneficial to them. They don't have the empathy, compassion, or nurturing qualities. So how can someone, who at this point believes her own lies and wont admit, get the help they need? They don't, until they are ready to do it for themselves. And I just don't see her wanting to face her demons.
I am anxious to hear what someone, who is a professional, but is also unbiased, has to say about all of this. Most of the people that discuss this with me or know about it, are close to our family, or close to me. So they all have seen there own things and have formed their own opinions. I just know that whatever they do have to say, is going to be hard and scary. My anxiety has been pretty well controlled and I haven't had a full blown panic attack since before I was pregnant with Brayden (9 years and counting :)) but I got a reminder this past weekend, of just how uncontrollable and how THERE it really is still. So I am nervous that throughout this therapy process, I am going to have to struggle with it again. But knowing I will share with all of you, helps! I want to take a quick second and thank those of you that have taken time to leave feedback or kind words to me in regards to my blog! It means a lot to me! <3 <3
I can't even trust her for 30 seconds alone with my kids. Why would I even want to? I just never thought I was going to have to protect them for her. I feel like I am betraying my brother for even THINKING about letting her around, even if she does therapy. I know what it is like to try and be honest about something that is humiliating and shameful, and having people treat you like you did something wrong! So my loyalty there is also a big thing. I don't ever want him to feel like I don't believe him, or that I don't have his back. Because that is definitely NOT the case!
People still talk shit to me and judge me for putting distance between my Mom and I. They are mostly the people who only know/knew my Mom's side of the story. And she is far from honest when it comes to her side of things. It's always all about how she is affected, how she is doing, and never taking responsibility for her actions. Someone that is like that, doesn't hear anything I have to say, unless its beneficial to them. They don't have the empathy, compassion, or nurturing qualities. So how can someone, who at this point believes her own lies and wont admit, get the help they need? They don't, until they are ready to do it for themselves. And I just don't see her wanting to face her demons.
I am anxious to hear what someone, who is a professional, but is also unbiased, has to say about all of this. Most of the people that discuss this with me or know about it, are close to our family, or close to me. So they all have seen there own things and have formed their own opinions. I just know that whatever they do have to say, is going to be hard and scary. My anxiety has been pretty well controlled and I haven't had a full blown panic attack since before I was pregnant with Brayden (9 years and counting :)) but I got a reminder this past weekend, of just how uncontrollable and how THERE it really is still. So I am nervous that throughout this therapy process, I am going to have to struggle with it again. But knowing I will share with all of you, helps! I want to take a quick second and thank those of you that have taken time to leave feedback or kind words to me in regards to my blog! It means a lot to me! <3 <3
Monday, May 5, 2014
Permanent
I have been in a funk since my Mom last made contact a couple weeks ago. She wanted to come down and visit again, after I refused to see her around Christmas time. I once again started the feeling guilty for not letting my kids see their grandma. Thinking maybe, just maybe, she could just respect the FEW simple boundaries I have set. Maybe she has realized the error of her ways after not seeing my kids for a year and a half, that she has to respect me and my wishes. But once again, it was right back to lying to me and about me, and making me feel guilty for things that weren't even relevant in our conversation. I am constantly going back and forth after awhile, hoping and wanting to give the benefit of the doubt. I can't get my heart and my mind on the same page, and sometimes its so frustrating. But with all of that being said, how do you just "give up" on someone. I am a firm believer in sticking by people and being there for them, even when things get bad. But in this particular case, that means that if I do that, I am the one that's going to suffer. I am the one that will be disrespected, invalidated, lied to, and put down by someone that shouldn't ever do it to me. And I struggle with knowing I am worth someone not doing those things, that I should get that without asking for it. I am the one who is trying to sort things out about myself BECAUSE of the way she has always treated me.
I just want to know if I will ever be able to just be at peace with my decision in regards to her. She continuously proves herself to me over and over, but yet my heart still forgets that and resorts to compassion and empathy. She will invalidate my kids and cross those same boundaries with them, and I don't want them having to sort through the issues she has caused them, like I am now. I can't just fully put myself first, because I am so concerned with what is best for my kids and worried, after everything, about my Mom's feelings. She never taught me what a boundary was, why we have them, or how to respect other people boundaries. I am going through a little bit of anger towards her right now. Maybe if she had shown me what a boundary was, I wouldn't have been as susceptible to being sexually assaulted? And after she knew I was, to just pretend it never happened, I think is what the most hurtful thing is. Seeing your daughter go to the bathroom after every meal, confining herself to her room, cutting, panic attacks, depression, meds, and still just carrying on with her life, without so much as a glance in my direction. It has taken growing up, becoming a mother, and becoming a wife, for me to see reality for what it is. To see that feelings aren't negotiable and mine are important and relevant.
I have said before about how new this "sharing your thoughts and emotions" thing for me is. Now don't get me wrong, I don't bottle EVERYTHING up. But the real painful, twisted, broken thoughts and feelings, are what is hard for me to share. I don't like people knowing how dark it is in my mind, at times. I don't like people to pity me and treat me like I am fragile. And I also don't like to share my feelings and thoughts, if it is going to directly effect someone else in any negative way. That's why I have always just dealt with on my own, and I especially lately, still feel like that's the way I prefer. I have done so well at it for this long, why not continue this way?
With my going back to therapy approaching, I am nervous and scared. I know there are a lot of things I am going to have to come to terms with in my relationship with my mom. Realizing that I may never have a relationship with her again, and how final that is. Also having to sort all of the things out since contact was made by my offender. All of these feelings that came flooding back out, have to be felt, figured out, and put back. Hopefully to stay forever, but I know that that is an unrealistic expectation. That's one thing that is so hard for me. People always tell me that what happened to me, will be with my forever. I thought I understood that, but since it has been "handled" for me for so long, and hasn't came out like it has recently, I didn't fully get HOW much it can still affect me. And the fact I have to acknowledge that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I hear that, I get so discouraged. I feel like I can try my best, go to therapy, be open about my feelings, and still just get knocked back on my ass at any moment. To start, not back at one again, but still BACK. That things out of my control, can trigger me into a downward spiral again. Its just so......permanent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s
I just want to know if I will ever be able to just be at peace with my decision in regards to her. She continuously proves herself to me over and over, but yet my heart still forgets that and resorts to compassion and empathy. She will invalidate my kids and cross those same boundaries with them, and I don't want them having to sort through the issues she has caused them, like I am now. I can't just fully put myself first, because I am so concerned with what is best for my kids and worried, after everything, about my Mom's feelings. She never taught me what a boundary was, why we have them, or how to respect other people boundaries. I am going through a little bit of anger towards her right now. Maybe if she had shown me what a boundary was, I wouldn't have been as susceptible to being sexually assaulted? And after she knew I was, to just pretend it never happened, I think is what the most hurtful thing is. Seeing your daughter go to the bathroom after every meal, confining herself to her room, cutting, panic attacks, depression, meds, and still just carrying on with her life, without so much as a glance in my direction. It has taken growing up, becoming a mother, and becoming a wife, for me to see reality for what it is. To see that feelings aren't negotiable and mine are important and relevant.
I have said before about how new this "sharing your thoughts and emotions" thing for me is. Now don't get me wrong, I don't bottle EVERYTHING up. But the real painful, twisted, broken thoughts and feelings, are what is hard for me to share. I don't like people knowing how dark it is in my mind, at times. I don't like people to pity me and treat me like I am fragile. And I also don't like to share my feelings and thoughts, if it is going to directly effect someone else in any negative way. That's why I have always just dealt with on my own, and I especially lately, still feel like that's the way I prefer. I have done so well at it for this long, why not continue this way?
With my going back to therapy approaching, I am nervous and scared. I know there are a lot of things I am going to have to come to terms with in my relationship with my mom. Realizing that I may never have a relationship with her again, and how final that is. Also having to sort all of the things out since contact was made by my offender. All of these feelings that came flooding back out, have to be felt, figured out, and put back. Hopefully to stay forever, but I know that that is an unrealistic expectation. That's one thing that is so hard for me. People always tell me that what happened to me, will be with my forever. I thought I understood that, but since it has been "handled" for me for so long, and hasn't came out like it has recently, I didn't fully get HOW much it can still affect me. And the fact I have to acknowledge that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. When I hear that, I get so discouraged. I feel like I can try my best, go to therapy, be open about my feelings, and still just get knocked back on my ass at any moment. To start, not back at one again, but still BACK. That things out of my control, can trigger me into a downward spiral again. Its just so......permanent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RB-RcX5DS5A
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6cdPeYJh0s
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