Here's Baby!

  It was an evening induction, and doctors warned me it would be a long process.  First time labors tend to be that way anyways, much less with induction.  We get the process started and I'm as nervous as ever! There were so many horror stories you hear, was that going to be me?  All went relatively smooth, labored for 9 1/2 hours before it was time for baby to make an appearance (which for a first time labor is fast)!  After only 13 minutes of pushing, Brayden Dean was born!  He was purple and not breathing, my excitement then turned to total fear!  They let the new daddy cut the cord, and whisked him off to assist with breathing.  I don't even remember what happened to me after that, I just remember asking over and over, if he was OK.  Finally some cries and we all could breathe a sigh of relief!  They got him cleaned up and I got to hold him for the first time!  It was definitely a moment I will never forget and always cherish!  I had been anticipating the feeling of when you see your child for the first time for months now and it was so amazing!  I was officially a mommy, but would the "mothers" instinct come naturally as they say it would?
  It was time to head home and I was as nervous as ever, could we handle him on our own?  Mothers instinct kicked in right away and we adjusted well!  I fell in love even more with husband, as I saw him with his son.  He was so good with him and it came so natural for him!  My hubby got two weeks off from work, so he was there to help me recover and take care of baby boy!  We got a call the weekend before my hubby was to go back to work.  It was his boss congratulating him on the birth of our baby and also letting him know, he no longer had a job there anymore!  So we had a two week old baby and absolutely no income, talk about stressed!
  My hubby tried everything for the next month to get a job, but no luck.  He worked a few side jobs just to bring in some income.  He finally found a temporary job.  He worked his butt off and in the end, they offered him a full time job! They also offered paid housing and utilities and we would pay nothing for insurance, how could it get any better?  Only problem was....we had to move to Wyoming.  We weren't thrilled about packing up and moving where we had no friends, no family, and a newborn.  But, it was our only job option available at the time.  So, we packed up and moved 3 hours away, to a ranch in Wyoming.  Away from the lives we knew, the people we knew.  We only had each other now!
 

Its Time!

 After much anticipation and discussion, we told our parents.  Needless to say they were shocked,  but always supportive!  I setup my first doctor's appointment and worked on getting health insurance.  We decided that a July wedding would no longer work, as baby was due in July.  So we moved up the wedding to the beginning of January, only leaving me less than two months to prepare.  We didn't go with the venue we had originally chosen, we thought it better to save that money since we had a baby on the way.  Everything was changing so fast!
  The time for the first doctor's appointment came.  I didn't know what to expect.  The Dr told me she was going to listen for a heartbeat and found it right away.  I was instantly overjoyed, amazed, and so in love!  That was OUR baby!  That was another defining moment in my life.  A moment I vowed to myself that this baby would come first, always.  That I would put everything I could into being the mom he or she deserved.  But to be honest, I was terrified!  I have not had a full blown panic attack since before that day.  I chose to not let it run me or my life anymore, and have found ways to prevent it from getting to that point.
  January comes and its time for the wedding!  I spend the night before with one of my best friends in a hotel in the town we are to marry in.  Of course I can barely sleep, I'm just too excited!  Morning comes and its finally the day!  I get ready with my girls, get pictures done, and await anxiously for someone to tell me....its time!  I make my way to the entrance, where my dad awaits.  He leads me to my future, as I say goodbye to the end of that chapter.  And gives me to the man I will forever call, my husband.  We say I do, exchange rings, and become husband and wife.  I thought I loved him the most anyone could love another that day, but I would soon learn that it was only going to grow.
  About 2 months after the wedding, it was time to find out the sex.  We go to the ultrasound and it doesn't take long before they say, its a boy!!!  We were so happy!  I had started reading and doing my research, I wanted to be as prepared as possible.  I had started taking care of my two younger siblings at a pretty early age. Also babysat growing up and was an aunt at 16. I believe those things helped me to at least, have a foundation to build on as a first time mom.  Along with the stuff I was finding out along the way.  I didn't have a super close relationship with my older sister, but did occasionally call her for advice. And didn't turn to my mom for that either. 
  I wasn't working anymore, being so sick I couldn't continue the training at the new job.  My hubby was working at a new job but his boss was only giving him about 8 hours a day.  We were struggling!  I had a pretty easy pregnancy, minus the morning sickness and throwing up everyday until delivery.  The last three weeks I stopped gaining weight because I was still throwing up so much and nauseous, so my doctor gave me the option of induction, two weeks before my due date.  Being so young and so miserable, I would have probably done anything at that point to get baby boy out!  We scheduled the induction and tied up all of our loose ends.  The night before induction came, and once again I couldn't sleep.  I was officially going to be a mom tomorrow, I was going to get to see the face I so anxiously awaited!  So many things going through my head, and so many things that could go wrong.  Would everything go ok?

The One

  From the night of our first kiss, we were together from that point on.  We lived 30 minutes away from each other and both were working full time. He was also attending fire fighter school.  From the start, it was so easy and natural.  It was a nice change of pace, as there was a 6 year age difference from my ex to him.  He made me feel at ease, comfortable with myself.  He was sweet, caring, supportive, kind and loved me like I loved him.  There was never a trust issue or the feelings like I had in past relationships.  We started dating in March and I met his family for the first time in April.  They have always been so great to me, and I immediately felt at home.  They have always treated me like I was one of their own.  It didn't take too long before I opened up about my past to my fiance. He has always been very supportive and understanding.  After two months of living away, I moved in with some roommates, in the town where he lived.  
  After dating for four months, (yes only 4) he proposed!!!  I was shocked and ecstatic!  Of course our families were surprised, and some of them concerned we were rushing things.  But mostly they shared in our excitement.  We decided on a July wedding and began to make plans.   About 4 months later, after we had found a venue and set the date, I started feeling extremely sick at my first week of training for my new job.  They ended up sending me home and letting me know we were not allowed to miss any training days, so this couldn't happen again.  The rest of the day, I went on to feel better.  The next morning at training, same time, sick again.  Hmmm, what is going on?  We went out to dinner that weekend with his parents, a late celebratory engagement dinner.  I felt so queasy during dinner, but attributed it to the shrimp I had tried.  When we got home I realized, oh my gosh, I'M LATE!
  I told my fiance and we decided to go get a pregnancy test.  The test said most accurate in the mornings, but I couldn't wait until morning to find out.  I went in my bathroom alone and took the test.  Before I could stand up, there was a bright positive!  Holy *$#%!  As I walk out of the bedroom, test in shaking hands, I tell him.....IT'S POSITIVE!  As he hugs me, we are both immediately overcome with happiness and excitement.  Then (for me anyways) follows fear, shock, and worry.  How will we pay for this?  Am I even capable of giving this child the life it deserves?  I had no medical insurance at the time.  I was only 19 years old, what will my parents say? And even more, what will his parents say??

Time To Choose A Path

  How as a parent, do you respond to your child when they endure something like this? That's got to be extremely hard to come to terms with.  I of course never thought of it in that aspect, until I became a parent myself. As a father to a daughter, there is no real comfortable way to approach it. That's your daughter, that some grown man disrespected and used.  But as a mother? I feel like I would have been right by my daughters side, crying every tear, through every nightmare. Until she pushed me away or asked me to leave. I would have done research and done anything I could, to make her life a little easier as she struggled with these internal demons.  I would have noticed frequent trips to the bathroom immediately following meals, the fact that she always was in her room when she was at home.  I admit, the few times my mom and I talked about it, it was incredibly awkward, but like I said...we didn't have the relationship most did, or that I wished we had.  I just felt that pretending it didn't happen and not talking about it, was definitely not the way to approach it.  Is there any real way to take the awkwardness out of the situation and be there for them?
  After I graduated high school, I originally wanted to attend nursing school at the University of Northern Colorado.  I attended orientation and decided it was not for me.  I then decided to pursue EMT-B.  The first day of class was CPR training.  I had partnered up with a girl I had just met.  Then this guy walked in, I remember thinking instantly how good looking he was and his eyes captured me from the start.  But that's as far as it went, as I was in a relationship at the time.  After my second relationship failed, I decided at that point all I could do was get myself better.  Focusing on myself and finishing EMT school was what I needed to focus on. 
  I started hanging out with friends again, going out and having a good time.  One of my best friends at the time attended college out of state, but was home for spring break.  I decided to take her out with a group of friends from EMT school.  We went out, had a great night, and I ended up hitting it off with the guy who had the striking eyes!  The one who had been in EMT school with us all along.  He kissed me for the first time that night, and I was never the same from that day on!

It Can Only Go Up

  He plead innocent, which just made the people that thought I lied, even more sure I did.  They eventually plea bargained down.  He was charged with one count of sex assault of a child, got off on the second charge.  He lost his teaching license, had to attend therapy, and was placed on probation.  The legal part was over, finally.  My parents tried  putting me in with different therapists, but being so young, it didn't help much at the time.  I wasn't comfortable talking to anybody, much less a stranger. I couldn't even say it out loud.  We didn't speak of it at home, it was just the elephant in the room.  I constantly had dreams, he was always in them.  If he wasn't chasing me, he was a distant face in the crowd.  We visited Laurel regularly, as we still had family there.  I hated showing my face, for everyone knew.  I felt like damaged goods.  I was supported by some and by others was the one in the wrong.
  His wife stayed with him for a few years after this.  I was never sure if it was because he maintained his innocence or because she wanted to work through it.  They even had another child together.  I don't know how his wife, being a mother herself, could continue the marriage.  I believe in staying together and working things through, but how can you come to terms with the fact your husband did this to someone else's child? He eventually got in trouble at work a few years later and was charged with sexual harassment.  It was a violation of his probation.  He served jail time on the violation. 
  I was hoping with the end of the legalities, would come closure.  I started making friends and started feeling less out of place.  I would go on to make friendships that are still continuing.  I tried therapy a few different times and with different people but still wasn't to the point of gaining anything from it.  I found a high school guidance counselor, who I would continue to see a few times throughout high school.  I confided in a handful of friends, others had no idea. I suffered with depression and purging through the age of 17 and anxiety for another 2 years after.  I still struggle with occasional bouts of anxiety, but do not require medication.
  I had two long term relationships in high school and through the start of college.  I learned a lot about relationships and what I thought at the time was love.  It was a struggle for me, as I wasn't sure what was normal in a relationship.  At times even awkward.  I wasn't comfortable with myself and had major trust issues.  It ultimately lead to the breakup of the second relationship. There was also one adult, that I confided in.  Who through many tears, panic attacks, and advice, would come to be my mentor.  They talked me down from a couple suicide attempts.  I remember having my dad's gun out a few different times, but never being able to bring myself to put a bullet in the chamber.

Secret is Out!

  How does a girl, so naive, process all of this?  I had an idea of what sex was, but no idea about the other things involved.  I just didn't get it.  He had a wife, a family.  The next day, we made the move.  I was so nervous to start school and attempt to make new friends.  Who would want to be friends with someone like me?  I consistantly always blamed myself, probably more than I did the man.  Why did I get in the car and allow this?  I was already suffering from depression at this point, and the anxiety started to kick in.  I was disgusted by myself, more now then ever.  I started throwing up my food after I would eat it, thinking in some weird way, that it would make the self loathing disappear.  I started getting severe panic attacks, sometimes requiring medical attention.  There was nobody I could talk to about it, thats not something you just come out and say the first time you have a conversation with somebody.  The one friend that I confided in, was over 500 miles away, and our relationship was deteriorating.  It soon would be, that her and I were no longer friends.  She was one of my best friends, and that was another huge loss for me.  I sometimes ate lunch alone, in the bathroom stalls at school.
  One day, probably about a month or two after we moved, I got an email from the man.  Requesting to meet in person the next time I was in town, he said he owed me an apology for the things that transpired.  Was this real or another ploy to take advantage of me?  As I read the email, my dad entered the room.  I quickly exited the email, as not to let him see.  Not realizing how suspicious I looked.  My dad knew something was up, had me leave the room, and read the email.  He immediately knew something inapproproate had happened and was beyond furiou!  I denied, how could I find the courage to tell him these things?My mom then tried, and I continued to deny.  The next day at school, she searched my room, and found my journal.  She read it, which again was nothing new.  Her being so nosy and reading the letters I recieved in the mail before this, was part of the reason I had lost one of my best friends.  The secret was out!  I didnt expose all the details, I couldnt even bring myself to write them in my journal.  I gave as limited details as I could get away with.  And the legal battle began.  
  I was interviewed by detectives in Fort Lupton, alone.  Scared, ashamed, and humiliated.  They then relayed to the Laurel Police Department.  I also was called into the Laurel Police Department, to be interviewed by Yellowstone County Sheriffs.  I was interviewed by my lawyer.  And lastly, my lawyer, his lawyer, and the DA from Montana, flew to Denver, and I was interviewed by his lawyer....alone.  His lawyer tore me apart, claiming it was consentual and making me feel even more to blame.  I  never disclosed all of the details, I just could never bring myself to do it.  It never went to trial, so I never had to testify in court.  That is where my part of the lawsuit ended.

The Beginning

  I decided to go back, all the way back.  Growing up, I always knew my parents weren't the norm married couple.  They didn't show affection much and argued a lot.  But we always had food on our table, a roof over our head. I never had the close relationship where you go to your mom...when your sick, sad, hurt.  We didn't argue or fight a lot, we just weren't close.  I would go on to middle school to see all my friends grow even closer to their mothers.  I longed for that connection.  I spent any chance I could, sleeping over at others houses.  Sometimes feeling like I belonged there instead.
  When I was in 8th grade, I found out my parents decided to move us to Colorado.  I was devastated, as Montana was all I knew.  I decided to go to the middle school and play some basketball, sometimes my release.  I was approached by a familiar, kind face.  I explained my sadness and discussed my fears.  I was offered a ride home.  That day, my world changed.  I was taken advantage of by someone in a position of power and trust, and didn't even at the time realize the severity of what happened.  I was sworn to secrecy.  Besides, who in the world would believe a 13 year old girl, over a respected teacher and coach.  I shared the details, all of them, with one person.  She kept my secrets and was the only one I could be honest and vent to.  She probably doesn't know it, but at that time, she saved my life.  I slowly started slipping into depression.  I would look in the mirror and be disgusted at the person looking back at me.  I began cutting myself, as a means of therapy. 
  I dreaded going to school, as it was so awkward to face the man, and pretend everything was normal.  I started lashing out and having issues with any adult figure that was not my parent.  I told myself, I will never let myself be hurt and used like that again.  I started getting in trouble at school, and getting written up.  Which if you know me, is very out of character.  I always was a good kid, rarely in trouble, good grades.
    I finally got the courage to tell one other friend of mine, one limited detail. I was automatically presumed a liar, which was my biggest fear, and people started turning on me.  Three months passed.  The day had come to finally move to Colorado.  I spent the last night with a few of my close friends.  I was so unsure of my future.  How will I deal with a new school, a new town, a new life, when I was already dealing with so much? Not only was that my last night with my friends, the last night in the town I loved, but it was the night I would be sexually assaulted for the second and last time.

The Start of a Downhill Spiral

Where do I even start...it all started a few years ago, when my parents marriage finally started deteriorating for good.  They finally split up, and we all began to move on with what would now be the new normal.  My mom was very hurt.  She lashed out at everyone, even us kids.  She lied to us, about us.   We asked her repeatedly to stop lying about us and to us.   Our feelings were never acknowledged, which was nothing new.  She kept saying very cruel and hateful things to us and about us.  I have never known someone that could willingly say those things about their children, make them feel the way she did, or not even blink and eye when I would express my feelings and hurt.  It was immediately redirected to herself, and how she was doing.  Growing up I always knew that she wasnt the normal mother, and we didnt have the normal relationship.  But becoming a mom, my eyes were opened to the truth.    This is the start of where my family would never, ever be able to regain any normalcy again.  This is my therapy....