I still am not back to where I was before I started the medication. I went through the worst of the physical symptoms (which is comparable to heroin withdrawals) and then the emotional side kicked in! I still get dizziness and my emotions are all over, but I think the worst of it is over. I am so discouraged by all of this! I keep trying and trying to move on, get through it all. I get a game plan and have hope that this is what will help....then it fails miserably! What if I never feel the same again? What if no matter what I do and try, there is no escaping that I am a sexual abuse survivor? I am diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety disorder, depression, as a result. That isn't ever going to change, no matter what I do. I will always struggle in relationships and setting boundaries, I will always have triggers, I will always have the coping mechanisms that are miss-programmed and kick in and take over. I will always look like I don't care, when in all reality, I am so overwhelmed that I have lost the ability to function properly.
With ALL of that, its no wonder why we can't help feel like we should be alone! We don't disclose things to people because we don't want to be a burden, we don't want to stress you out and worry you. I don't want to drag anyone into the darkness and I don't like bringing others down. I feel like everywhere I turn, everything is a direct result to me.
I felt like a burden as a child. Nobody else's child was the one having panic attacks that required hospitalization all the while, being told it was in my head. Being told I shouldn't have gotten in the car with HIM! Don't you know I think about that EVERY TIME I am thinking of the situation? Don't you think I hated being so out of control, I couldn't stop the panic attacks? From that time on, my mind said...you aren't worth your parents understanding what you went through. It said you are a burden! You aren't worth any member of your family asking if you are OK. Then the fall out with my mom. I felt like I wasn't worth the ONE thing I asked her to do. After everything she had done to me, said to me, lied about me, and been accused of....I asked for ONE thing and she refused to do it. I wasn't worth it to her, again. My own Mom, the one person who is supposed to love me unconditionally, cant even! That's gotta mean its me, right? What about when my sister so easily said she wants nothing to do with me and hasn't looked back in over 2 years?
Well, I decided to give anti-depressants a try. The feelings of sadness, anger, irritability, were no longer something I wanted to deal with anymore. I think people don't realize how much of depression can be made up of anger. It's not just that people want to die or are always sad. I didn't want to die, that was not the reason I chose to try the medication. Medication for me, was a last resort. It was a huge decision for me and I fought it for weeks before I finally took one. I cried and cried when I took it, it felt like I was admitting defeat. After 14 years of not needing medication, and priding myself on that, I was medicating again.
The first day or so, no real change. By day three I noticed I was starting to lost the ability to feel any emotion. While that was kinda nice in some aspects, I was starting to not even be able to smile or laugh. Like I have said before, just because I am depressed, doesn't mean I cant laugh, smile, joke, or feel happy. So this was scary and new, although a common side effect of anti depressants. I was very cautious about what medicine to choose. I went with the last anti-depressants I was on at 16, because I had taken that with success before, although the withdrawal process was hard. This category of anti-depressants is supposed to have less side effects. But the one I chose, is one of the worst ones for withdrawals. And all anti depressants have a black box warning. The black box warning states that during the initial treatment phase (1 to 2 months), some users will have increased suicidal thoughts and behaviors. So you're telling me it can do the exact opposite of what I want it to do? It was the scariest thing to me about starting the medication! What if I lost all sense of reality and ended up doing something I could never take back? At least when I am not medicated, my rationality and healthy thinking are still there, just sometimes quieted!
Day 4 of the medication, I was feeling even more numb, felt like I was in a cloud and just going through the motions. Day 5 I felt the same as the day prior. Then I just got extremely depressed and started rationalizing things. Things like everyone would be OK without me in their life, and that my kids would be better with someone else as their mom. I was still aware enough to see that all of this is happening, that I am getting worse and the thing I was most scared about happening, was happening. I was too scared to continue after that day, what if one more pill, caused me to lose what rational thinking was still there? It just wasn't worth it. I knew the risk of severe withdrawals from stopping an anti-depressants cold turkey. But usually that's if you have been on it long enough for it to do what its designed. Since I had only been on it for 5 days, I thought it would be fine. Boy was I wrong! First two days I felt ok, then it hit me like a brick wall. Hot flashes, dizziness so severe it caused repeated vomiting, fatigue, hot flashes, brain zaps, mood swings. I wanted to die! My doctor told me to go in to urgent care for an IV. Of course urgent care was closed, so we had to go to the ER.
They got me to a room quickly and got me on the monitors. They gave me an IV and took my blood. Also gave me something to help the nausea subside and another for the dizziness, which is what was triggering the nausea and vomiting. They had me do some strength tests to eliminate the possibility of a brain problem. Then we just waited for the tests to come back and to get enough fluids in me to pee, so they could eliminate the last few things with that.
Everything came back normal! Doctor said it was withdrawals from the medication and that with that particular medication, symptoms can last for quite a long time. He gave me a prescription for the nausea and dizziness meds. Also said if I get to the point again that I get dehydrated, I will need to come back in for IV again.
Unfortunately I have learned that trauma can cause a bond between the two people experiencing it. It is saddening to me! How is it, the one person I wish I could forget and cut ties with, is the one person I am bonded to, forever? This man is the only person that got to know the real me, the only one that ever saw it. I got in his car, a 13 year old child, and left it, a different person. He took that from me! He robbed me of the rest of a normal childhood. Instead of worrying about what I was going to do for the weekend, I was worrying about how I was going to get through a day without cutting myself or contemplating suicide. Instead of talking about boys, I was wondering how I was going to face him again at school.
For the last few months at Laurel Middle School, I started acting out. I started drinking and swore that no authority figure was going to tell me what to do and I swore nobody would hurt me that way again. It gave me this attitude, as a defense mechanism. I started getting into trouble with one teacher in particular. Ended up getting written up at least once because I didn't care what they said to me. That attitude towards people who claimed to be an authority figure, because I didn't want to be hurt again.
After we moved to Colorado, I tried my best to put on my happy face and start over. Nobody there knew my past, my secrets. Once I started high school, there was this guy that kinda caught my eye. He had a girlfriend and I respected that. But soon him and his girlfriend me were no longer together and she was trying to hook me up with him. I thought it was weird, but figured if she was OK with it, then no worries right......wrong. I don't know what was going on with them really, but she started treating me badly and of course all of her friends had her back. I was a freshman, most of her and her friends were juniors and seniors. I started getting bullied and people called me a slut and a home wrecker. Even though NOTHING happened with him. I eventually walked away from that situation because of all of the drama. I just felt so hurt and lost. I was trying to start over and build a new life and to no doing of my own, had a whole new obstacle to face. It just added to the issues I was already dealing with. My depression and anxiety were at an all time high.
I remember having a panic attack at school so bad, that I passed out from hyperventilation and woke up on the principals desk to a sternum rub from the firefighters. They transported me to hospital via ambulance. There were rumors I tried committing suicide and having people see me at my worst was not ideal for any high schooler.
