Simple As That

  Therapy is going well.  Some of it is weird, I am not going to lie.  I consider myself pretty open minded though, so I plan on sticking it out.  I have one more appointment with my psychologist, before I see the new one.  I feel much better now that my psychologist recommended one of the ladies that is covered under my new insurance.  I have been introduced to EMDR, what they do during this, the tools they use, and have most of the groundwork laid.  I just gotta get started on it now, once I get switched.
  I definitely think the time with my close friends, the night out for my birthday, the surprise getaway, our family trip to California, was all things I needed.  It was pure exhausting and I'm still recovering, but it was a ton of fun and so many memories made.  I am a little worried though.  I am feeling more like my old self and I am not sure if its because I am making progress and healing, or if its my defense mechanism taking over and suppressing it again.  Feeling better doesn't mean I am healed, over everything, or that I still won't have bad days.  That's not how it works.  It just means I have regained a little more control again.  I can still be setback, triggered, or overwhelmed.  Its just not as frequent.
  I have pretty much made the decided that being completely open and honest about my emotions, the struggles I am going through, and my past...has not been that beneficial for me.  In fact, in some ways it has been much harder for me.  It brought along unrealistic expectations of those around me, that I was being open with.  Like I have said a thousand times, if you haven't been through it, you will never get it.  Even the closest people in my life can't ever fully get it!  No matter what I say or explain, or how clear I am about the situations I have been in, they can only empathize.  And me being honest with them, made them feel like they didn't know what to say or what not to say.  They are walking on eggshells not wanting to do the wrong things or feeling like they aren't doing enough of the right things.  I understand why they do it, totally!  And I appreciate the fact they care enough to not want to hurt me.  I feel like people look at me as fragile, when in fact, its the opposite.  They want to fix me, and they can't.  It's as simple as that!

Humiliation at its finest!

 I have been processing some of the events that happened, after my secret came out at 14.  This man was respected by the community.  Nobody ever thought he would do what he was accused of.  I was made out to be the problem, the liar!  I remember being threatened by one class mate in particular, that said she was going to kick my ass for getting him fired.
  I decided I didn't care, and I had the option to be present for what would have been my 8th grade graduation.  It wasn't, since we had moved the month before, but I had gone to school with these people for the last 8 years.  I came back with a friend for the school day,  Laurel Middle School allowed visitors as long as you checked in at office.  I went to check in at office, as the sign on the front doors directed you to.  As soon as the principal saw me (knowing who I was) he said that they did not allow visitors on school grounds.  It was a blatant lie and I was treated so unfairly.  I got stares in the hallway, the short time they allowed me inside the school, so maybe in the end it was for my benefit.  I was so humiliated, more than I already was, to show my face in the first place.  As hard as it was to leave all my friends, my family, the life I knew, it probably was the best thing for me.  I couldn't imagine dealing with the bullying and unfair treatment on a daily basis!
  All of these events, the way I was treated by people, the harsh things said to me by people in my life, layed the groundwork for the things I believed about myself, believed what I was worthy of, and the way I viewed the world.  And its been extremely hard to break, and reshape, what it should have been all along.

This song couldn't relate more to that time of my life!  
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Bc6UQHQe-0Y

Trauma Anniversary

  Yesterday was not as bad as I expected it to be.  I really wasn't that anxious, just sad.  Just really sad.  A cried a lot.  But by late afternoon, I was just sick of it.  Sick of it running my life, sick of everything coming back to that.  Sick of the side effects that are present because of it.  One thing I am struggling with now, is thinking that in the end, everyone will leave.  I will eventually push them far enough away, that's just what happens.  When I was a teen, I felt alone, abandon to a point, even though my parents were in my house every day.  The one person that was there for me, I pushed and pushed, and he stuck by me.  He is and will always be an important person to me.  My extended family wasn't close, my mom didn't stay, my sister didn't stay, most of my close friends didn't stay. 
  I think I have always just kinda had lower expectations of people, because of those things.  I think as a defense mechanism, if I don't expect anything, I cant get hurt...right?  Wrong.  It was a major contributor in my self esteem.  I told myself I wasn't worthy of those things, because I hadn't found many people who did show me.  Who said they would be there, and actually were there, always.  So as a result I struggle with setting boundaries in relationships.  Because I love so much and feel that its ok to sacrifice what I think I deserve, to keep this person in my life.  But don't get the same in return.  So that is one thing I am slowly trying to change.  But it is really hard, because when I am depressed and emotionally strained like this, I put my walls partially up always.  And if I feel like you have done me wrong or aren't giving what I am, I detach.  I think that I was stupid to ever think that someone would give what they get, I tell myself I will no longer share details with them, and I disconnect.  And then I either stay disconnected or I talk myself into thinking I was in the wrong and I am being unreasonable.  When I let you in, your in.  I love you, I am there for you, and I will do anything for you.  If you are down, I will be there.  I expect it in return. 
  But I have seen where those people become overly entitled.  They feel they have been mistreated, feel they deserve better, but they aren't fair.  They want things their way or no way, there is no negotiating.  I don't want to be that person either.  I want a happy medium. 
  One thing I didn't realize, until my psychologist pointed it out, was how big of a deal what we dealt with last year with Brayden's teacher and the massage issue, was for me/and when she brought it up, still is.  I find it so much harder as they get older (as I am sure any mom or parent feels), to let him have the freedom he needs to have to become an independent strong man, and wanting to make sure I protect him from anything like I went through.  I don't trust the world.  Its my baby boy!  He is one of the most precious things in this world to me.  I would never forgive myself if something happened to him, that in anyway could have been changed by something I did.  That's something I have to work through and make sure it's just within the normal worrying that any mom would have.