I know I have touched base on religion before, but it's something on my mind a lot right now. I know people say "Let go and let God" or "Give it to God." Have you tried that? I have, since I was a child, believed in God. I pray to him, I trust him, I believe he helps carry and guide you through a situation, and I believe in eternal life. But with that being said, I also think that those phrases are only going to get you so far. I pray for guidance, peace, strength, all those things. I do believe he hears my prayers and gives me some of those things, but in the end, it's on me. He doesn't prevent bad things from happening to you. I have been a good person all my life, and have had many situations happen that I just will never understand why, as have most of you. When I am devoted to him, why would something so terrible happen to me, and twice for that matter?
Now, I don't blame him for the events that have taken place in my life. But I find it isn't beneficial for someone to tell me to pray. I have been praying, for the last 16 years. I try to lead a lifestyle of high morals. And I am still here. I will continue to pray. But it doesn't just go away, by doing that. You are still going to have to make all the changes, and do all of that work. Yes, with his HELP! But it's not on him. In the end, it's on you.
Wednesday marks my anniversary of abuse. It is the normal time of year, that I would deal with the emotions and flashbacks, even if I haven't thought about it the rest of the year. I went years with the day passing and not even a second thought to it. Last year, changed that again. This time last year, my offender contacted me, and it started the end of the slip slide down the hill. I had already been on the border I think, since my parents got divorced and things transpired between my mom and I, the way they did. And then the accusations about my mom came out. And that is something I did and always will struggle with. And then the contact made and it finally pushed me right down to the deep dark place, that has been hidden away so long.
Since then, I have been dealing with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. And then, when the most recent abuse surfaced, it was more than I could handle. I reached my breaking point. So now, I am heading into the anniversary already anxious, sad, and hurt. I woke up this morning with a nightmare with him in it, and its been awhile since I have had any. Wasn't the way or emotional state I wanted to start the day with.
I was switching insurances when I went to my first appointment, and this psychologist I love, is not covered by my new one. So now I have to decide if I want to continue to see her, and pay it all out of pocket, or go to one of the options that are covered, and start all over again. I do have an appointment with the original one this week, I need to be seen. I am just going to face this week, and I will make a decision on this, after this week.
Some days I struggle, after I publish a blog. I struggle with everyone knowing my inner thoughts, judging me, or thinking I am crazy. But it is so relieving to me at the same time. But at the end of the day, I know the truth. If there are people judging me or thinking those things, that's on them. They aren't someone I need or obviously aren't important in my life anyways, or they would not think that.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
No fuse....BOOM!
One thing I see everywhere lately (facebook, media) is people talking about what they would do if they had been raped or sexually abused. And it INFERIORATES me! "Oh, why did the women wait so long?" "If that was me, I would have done this." "Oh you are a sexually abuse victim, I thought you would think this way," or "you should have thought this way!" A. Clearly, you are NOT a sexual abuse victim, or you would understand why they waited. B. You shouldn't presume to know what you would do in that situation, because you have NO idea what its like to be in that situation. What so ever. Just because we are sexual abuse victims, doesn't mean we think a certain way, or all the same way. When you say these things, you not only offend all victims out there, but you fuel this "rape culture." You fuel the vicious cycle that victims face of not having the option to come forward because in turn they get torn to pieces by the community, media, society. They get what they have said questioned and secondary victimized by people saying these things after they have had the courage to come forward. 92-98% of victims that say they were sexually abused, were in fact, sexually abused. So how is it, that as a society, we lean more towards thinking that that 2-8% over rule the rest?
I was one of those people. I would have taken that secret to the grave, if been allowed. It is extremely humiliating, shameful, and embarrassing, to come forward and say these things happened. Much less with a respected member of the community, a well known teacher/coach, and (not in my case) a celebrity. Who is going to believe us, over these people? Why would we want to face public scrutiny, back lash, people talking badly about us, threats, when we are already dealing with the painful effects of the abuse? What if we are the only ones? I spoke of disassociation last time. A prime example of why people don't come forward. I have had this most recent abuse, repressed for 12 years. If I came forward now, I would hear all of these questions that people say. But guess what, it did happen! In my case, over a lifetime, more than once. I live with the effects everyday of it. I live with the shift in your perspective of the world, the self doubt of myself and others, the lack of trust, the way we push everyone away, the guilt, the shame, the self image shift, the embarrassment, feeling of being damaged, the feeling that you aren't worthy. Please don't tell me what you would do or question why we do the things we do. Let's change it for our children's generation. Lets make it SAFER for them, instead of fueling the offenders!
I was one of those people. I would have taken that secret to the grave, if been allowed. It is extremely humiliating, shameful, and embarrassing, to come forward and say these things happened. Much less with a respected member of the community, a well known teacher/coach, and (not in my case) a celebrity. Who is going to believe us, over these people? Why would we want to face public scrutiny, back lash, people talking badly about us, threats, when we are already dealing with the painful effects of the abuse? What if we are the only ones? I spoke of disassociation last time. A prime example of why people don't come forward. I have had this most recent abuse, repressed for 12 years. If I came forward now, I would hear all of these questions that people say. But guess what, it did happen! In my case, over a lifetime, more than once. I live with the effects everyday of it. I live with the shift in your perspective of the world, the self doubt of myself and others, the lack of trust, the way we push everyone away, the guilt, the shame, the self image shift, the embarrassment, feeling of being damaged, the feeling that you aren't worthy. Please don't tell me what you would do or question why we do the things we do. Let's change it for our children's generation. Lets make it SAFER for them, instead of fueling the offenders!
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
Let's Do This!
Well I did it, I went to my first therapy appointment last night!! :) With the help of a few pushing me to face it and push through the emotions....I did it! It was such a big step and was hard, but I know its going to help me get back to the place I was. Get back to me. I was worried about going in and having to face everything at once. I was worried about dealing with a lifetime of trauma all at once and the emotions that go with it. But that is not at all what happened. She had enough of my back story that she didn't want all of the details or the entire history. She gave me some control in what I wanted to address and work on first, and I really liked that. I cried, way more than I thought. And I tried to stop myself, but she let me know that I needed to cry, I needed to stop suppressing it and I needed to let it out.
There were some things I have been dealing with, and to a point not even realizing it. I thought my PTSD was only when I was having visual flashbacks, and the emotions caused from them. When in reality, I have been living with the full blown effects of PTSD since January of last year. Since my first offender originally contacted me. Now, I will always have PTSD, but is something that is usually very well controlled and not present for most of the last 10 years. Part of PTSD is feeling the same feelings you felt during that traumatic event. I have been feeling these feelings (sometimes more than others) since he contacted me, and didn't even realize it. She said no wonder that I was so overwhelmed. I have been suppressing and disassociating (which I will talk about later) for a year now. You have coping skills that you use and your body resorts to in traumatic or high anxiety situations, and I have been living my life stuck in that mode. And that's when things go wrong.
I beat myself up quite a bit becomes sometimes I feel like I have no reason to feel this way. I will wake up in the morning, without having dreamt anything, before I even think about life and the situation I am in, and just feel so down, sad, angry, shamed. I didn't understand why. I get when I am having a visual flashback or thinking about those situations, that I react that way. But I didn't understand why I felt that way other times when those things weren't happening. It's because I never worked through him contacting me, and then had a new traumatic situation added into it. Now I am just on auto pilot because of it. I go through the motions in flight or fight response daily, instead of feeling it, coping with it, and finding ways to handle it.
Disassociation is "a psychological experience in which people feel disconnected from their sensory experience, sense of self, or personal history. It is usually experienced as a feeling of intense alienation or unreality, in which the person suddenly loses their sense of where they are, who they are, of what they are doing. Dissociation often occurs in response to trauma, and seems to have a protective aspect in that it allows people to feel disconnected from traumatic events. This is sometimes described as an "out-of-body" experience. However, dissociation can be distressing when it continues to occur, even when people are engaged in everyday activities."
There were some things I have been dealing with, and to a point not even realizing it. I thought my PTSD was only when I was having visual flashbacks, and the emotions caused from them. When in reality, I have been living with the full blown effects of PTSD since January of last year. Since my first offender originally contacted me. Now, I will always have PTSD, but is something that is usually very well controlled and not present for most of the last 10 years. Part of PTSD is feeling the same feelings you felt during that traumatic event. I have been feeling these feelings (sometimes more than others) since he contacted me, and didn't even realize it. She said no wonder that I was so overwhelmed. I have been suppressing and disassociating (which I will talk about later) for a year now. You have coping skills that you use and your body resorts to in traumatic or high anxiety situations, and I have been living my life stuck in that mode. And that's when things go wrong.
I beat myself up quite a bit becomes sometimes I feel like I have no reason to feel this way. I will wake up in the morning, without having dreamt anything, before I even think about life and the situation I am in, and just feel so down, sad, angry, shamed. I didn't understand why. I get when I am having a visual flashback or thinking about those situations, that I react that way. But I didn't understand why I felt that way other times when those things weren't happening. It's because I never worked through him contacting me, and then had a new traumatic situation added into it. Now I am just on auto pilot because of it. I go through the motions in flight or fight response daily, instead of feeling it, coping with it, and finding ways to handle it.
Disassociation is "a psychological experience in which people feel disconnected from their sensory experience, sense of self, or personal history. It is usually experienced as a feeling of intense alienation or unreality, in which the person suddenly loses their sense of where they are, who they are, of what they are doing. Dissociation often occurs in response to trauma, and seems to have a protective aspect in that it allows people to feel disconnected from traumatic events. This is sometimes described as an "out-of-body" experience. However, dissociation can be distressing when it continues to occur, even when people are engaged in everyday activities."
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