Make It Stop

It hurts so deep.  I am so down.  I am shutting down.  I honestly feel like my kids would be better off without me.  They would be better with someone that doesn't have all of this other shit distracting them.  Someone that can give themselves fully, patiently, give them what they need.  Same for my hubby.  He deserves someone that doesn't shut down on him, that can love him fully the way he needs to be.  That can validate him.  Can God just take a pencil and erase me?  So that nobody knows any better, like I never existed.  I can not live my life, if its constantly going to be this part of me that is missing, this part of me that hurts.  Nor do I want to.
                                                                              


I should have just let the first person that sexually abused me the first time, have sex with me.  Someone else was just going to come along and take me anyways.  I feel so expendable.  I didn't serve my purpose for my mom and sister anymore, so I was discarded like a piece of trash.  I see a pattern of people just using me for what they need, then when they don't need me anymore, oh well no big loss to them.  I try my best to be open and honest, but as the days progress, it gets increasingly harder.  I worry that soon (since I have already shut out most people)  I will shut out those few that I am still open with.  I don't want to stress others out by sharing my issues.  I don't want to make people feel like they cant say what they think or that they have to walk on egg shells and constantly watch what they say.  I don't have a mom to run to, to hug me and reassure me that everything is going to be ok.  To tell me that its not me, to tell me its ok to feel this way, to hear them say that they will help me every step of the way.
                                                                              


Sometimes I turn on music and just sit and write and sob.  The pain bleeds out as I type.  I just want out of my head sometimes.  One of the scariest parts is, I don't have all of the pieces to the puzzle yet.  So that means that most likely it is going to get worse before it gets better.  I know I cant live like this forever, but that thought is scary!

A Little Hope

  Some days, its really hard for me to write what I really feel, and then to share it.  Sometimes I write and never publish it.  It's hard to be that open, and for people to know your deepest thoughts and feelings.  But in the end, I know the reason I do it.  And I know that some of you can relate.  I want to take a little time and talk about PTSD.  I have already talked to you about what it's like living with depression, I want to explain what its like to have depression and PTSD!
"PTSD is a lasting consequence of traumatic ordeals that cause intense fear, helplessness, or horror, such as a sexual or physical assault, the unexpected death of a loved one, an accident, war, or natural disaster. 

Most people who experience a traumatic event will have reactions that may include shock, anger, nervousness, fear, and even guilt. These reactions are common; and for most people, they go away over time. For a person with PTSD, however, these feelings continue and even increase, becoming so strong that they keep the person from living a normal life."  These are the main symptoms associated with PTSD:

• Reliving: People with PTSD repeatedly relive the ordeal through thoughts and memories of the trauma. These may include flashbacks, hallucinations, and nightmares. They also may feel great distress when certain things remind them of the trauma, such as the anniversary date of the event.
• Avoiding: The person may avoid people, places, thoughts, or situations that may remind him or her of the trauma. This can lead to feelings of detachment and isolation from family and friends, as well as a loss of interest in activities that the person once enjoyed.
• Increased arousal: These include excessive emotions; problems relating to others, including feeling or showing affection; difficulty falling or staying asleep; irritability; outbursts of anger; difficulty concentrating; and being "jumpy" or easily startled. The person may also suffer physical symptoms, such as increased blood pressure and heart rate, rapid breathing, muscle tension, nausea, and diarrhea.

I would say for the last 11 years, I have had very few PTSD episodes.  What I did have, were memories that I remember, hadn't repressed, and were memories that I have already dealt with the feelings involved.  The first two recent "flashbacks" was the first I have had where I didn't remember the events happening, and I must say, it is very scary and confusing.  It can hit you out of nowhere and just shakes you to your core.  I didn't know what to say, what to do, or how to process it.  I couldn't even tell at the moment what was going on.  I needed someone to grab me and ask me what is going on, what is wrong, snap me out of it almost!  Its like I couldn't even think about sharing what was on my mind in that moment because I am too wrapped up in the emotions that come with it.  I wanted to run and hide from everyone.  Anger, confusion, frustration, anxiety, fear, shame, are a few of the things I felt.  And the people around me are oblivious to what is going on inside my head.  They can sense my mood change and that something is up, but don't have any depth to what is actually happening in my brain.  I to a point, don't even.
  I started some supplements that have shown to help with depression.  It's my only step before I go back to medication.  I am not thrilled about the idea of being medicated again, so I am really hoping we can get this under control before we get to that stage.  I found a psychologist that is willing to work with me on price and she is the one I originally planned on seeing.  She couldn't get me in until December 3, so I am anxiously awaiting for that.  She specialized in sexual abuse and EMDR.  EMDR is a new type of therapy that I am going to try.
  Having a therapy session set up (although I do have anxiety involved) and the supplements started, was my little glimmer of hope that I needed.  I felt stuck and was at a lack of options, but worked around it to try and come up with another plan.  It is going be a long road ahead of me, and I have a lot to work on, but if I want be the healthiest and best mom and wife that I can be, I don't have a choice.  I am going to end up alone because I am pushing people away (not purposely) and isolating.  So to all things uncomfortable, here I go!  Hope you all are along for the ride!