How is going to feel, if I choose to protect myself now and keep my distance from my mom, when she is gone from this world? I hope I can find comfort in knowing I did everything I could do. But I don't know that I will feel that way. Is that even possible? I may know in my heart, what the right decision is, but all of that gets clouded and irrational when faced with a weight that heavy.
Why is it that so many people think they know about depression or think they understand it? People think its just a mentality. They think that you can think your way out of depression, or just get over it. IT ISN'T THAT SIMPLE! It affects every aspect of your life. Your emotions, your mentality, your way of thinking. There is a chemical imbalance in your brain, so unless your are doing things to increase your serotonin level, (and even if you are) it most likely isn't going to work. You cant just will yourself out of it. Yes you can have good days, many for that matter. But you can also have really, really, bad days. You cant just focus on the things that are going right in your life, and it automatically be better. Even while depressed, I understand I am blessed in many ways. I understand that things could be worse. But what people don't understand, is how much I am actually dealing with. I am losing myself to depression. I am losing my ability to be the wife and mom I want to be, to be the friend I want to be, to be the PERSON I want to be. I look around and see loss everywhere. Ok, so I overcame sexual assault as a child, now you are adding in rape too. A rape that I didn't even know happened until recently. Everywhere I look I am constantly losing something. I feel my marriage slipping away, (because I am lost) I feel my control is slipping away, my family (sister, mom, the family I had growing up) has already slipped away, my confidence in myself is slipping away, my ability to pick myself up and sort through all of this is slipping away. What I expected and hoped things would be like for me now, gone. I feel so alone. Yes, I have people to talk to, if I feel like it. But in the end, I am alone. I am alone with my thoughts and feelings, I am alone going through all of the things that come along with rape, I am the one losing these relationships, I am the one that feels this overwhelming pain. And I just don't feel like I have it in me to conquer this insurmountable amount of shit. Some days, I get this wave of strength! This wave of encouragement! But then the reality of all I have to overcome and no resources to do it, hits.
Another thing I don't understand. Is it so unreasonable for me to want people to reach out, people to ask that I am ok, whether I am giving them a reason to or not? Why wouldn't the ones that are close to me, want to understand, want to do the things that could help as much? Maybe its because I have been in this situation, I know what its like, I know what I would want. I am so used to dealing with all of this alone, that it feels wrong of me to want that. I feel that I don't have the right to want that or need that. It is really hard for me to ask for what I need, for this reason. I don't feel worthy.
