That awkward moment when I am sitting in the drive through line at Dairy Queen, and I hear a song that brings me to tears. It hurts so much not to have my nieces, nephews, sister and Mom in my life. By the time I need to order, I am sobbing. Most days I just deal with it, other days it's really painful. I was hoping with time, it would get easier. It has to a point, I guess. I don't struggle everyday, but the days it is painful, it is just as painful as it was from the start. How does one pick themselves up, and put the pieces back together to move on, when part of me is missing? I am hoping that therapy will help me figure that out. With the kids in school and things slowing down, its now or never. I am so nervous about it! I already know that they are going to suggest medicine, I can tell by the way my brain is working, that it isn't its normal. It is negative and not completely rational. It is bringing me down every chance it gets. To admit that the depression has reared its ugly head again, is so discouraging to me. To hear them say, that they think I need medicine again after 12 years of not medicating, is not going to be easy for me.
People that know my situation try to tell me all the time...look how blessed you are. It is true, I am blessed with many things, and I am thankful for those things. But that doesn't help my mindset, in fact it makes me feel worse for feeling this way again. Oh but you have a great husband and 3 healthy, beautiful kids! Oh but you have your other sister still, and you have a new step mom! Yes, I do, and thank goodness for that, but that doesn't feel the void that's been left by them. No matter how good everything else has been, I am dealing with the loss of those relationships, dealing with the set backs from my offender contacting me again, I am dealing with the internal struggle of my mother committing the most horrible crimes against my brother and how she has treated me. The worry of losing my sanity and becoming one of them.
I can't believe this summer is coming to an end already. It has been crazy but a whole lot of fun! Back into a routine, back to sending my two kids off to two strangers that I hope will take care of them as I would. I always get a little emotional when school starts again. Both of my oldest, will be in full days, 5 days now. This is quite different than what I am used to. They are growing so fast, before I know it, all three will be in. I will however, enjoy this one on one time with my little man. Speaking of my little mind, he is going in for his second dental surgery next week. I am freaking out again. It will be a lot easier than last time, way less work, way less time sedated. But just putting him to sleep is so scary for me. I know its what has to be done, and its what's best, but I am so anxious! Say a prayer for him please <3 I will keep you all updated, as therapy starts. It's going to be a hard road, but I know I can do it!
This is the song I heard, that caused the tears. It isn't exactly relevant to my situation, but hit home. I want peace! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nS6SzfF6p_g
